Everett - Body Language: A quick reference for character action and description

Dont Beat the Reader Over the Head Overwriting: This is amistake all new writers make. They over explain either through description oraction. Here are some examples: Cowboy Joe pulled his gun belttight around his waist and buckled it. See anything wrong with thatsentence? Where else do you wear a belt other than your waist? Also, if youchange the common verb pulled to a stronger one, the reader gets abetter picture. Cowboy Joe cinched his gunbelt tight and buckled it. Heres another one. You shot me, you fool! shescreamed, as she pulled a gun from her purse and fired at Joe. Problem: The exclamation pointtells us shes screaming, so the reader doesnt need that tag/attribution, shescreamed.

Try it this way: You shot me, you fool! Sherummaged in her purse, pulled out a gun and returned fire. One more try with just a bit ofdescription. You shot me, you fool! Sherummaged in her purse, produced a small pearl-handled pistol, and returnedfire. Here are a few more commonoverwriting mistakes: She stared up at the ceiling. Is a ceiling located any otherplace than up? Same thing with ceiling fan. Just stare at it. Dont stare upat it. He sat down on the sofa. Can you sit on a sofa any otherway than down? You can sit up in bed.

You can straighten in a chair. You canplop onto a bar stool. Watch for unneeded words. She stood on the balcony andlooked down below. Choose one or the other, downor below. They mean the same thing, so only one is needed. Jane walked briskly across thehigh-polished wooden floor of the sunbathed gallery, darting her eyes frompainting to painting hung on the bland, white walls as she grabbed her arthistory book from the upholstered bench where shed left it the day before. The problem: The reader doesntneed to know, nor do they care about high-polished wooden floors, upholsteredfurniture, or bland, white walls. Jane walked briskly across thehigh-polished wooden floor of the sunbathed gallery, darting her eyes frompainting to painting hung on the bland, white walls as she grabbed her arthistory book from the upholstered bench where shed left it the day before. The problem: The reader doesntneed to know, nor do they care about high-polished wooden floors, upholsteredfurniture, or bland, white walls.

The whole reason for the sentence is to havethe character return to the gallery for her book. Jane returned to the galleryand retrieved the book shed left there. Now, if the sunlight or polishedfloors reminds her of something that pertains to her past and triggers animportant thread of the tale, then by all means, show the part that causesthat. Example below. But dont get so bogged down in writing descriptions justfor the sake of description, that you lose the meaning of your story. Itstrue. Less is more.

Janes heels clicked across thepolished wooden floor of the gallery. Dreams of having her own work displayedon the bland, white wall excited her. What a silly notion. Maybe Mom wasright. Jane would never be good enough. Moving to the bench, she grabbed herart history book shed left the day before. See? If some of that descriptioncan be worked into Janes thoughts about her past or an experience shes had,then it wont sound as if its just word filler.

Because of that little bit,the reader learns Jane and her mom dont have a good relationship, and Jane hasalways fallen short in her mothers eyes.