Hale T C - Kick your fat in the nuts : a natural guide to how your body works and how to work your body

Table of Contents

KICK YOUR FAT

IN THE NUTS

By

T.C. Hale

& Two Other Guys

Copyright 2012 Words to Spare, LLC. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of the text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. (Unless youre getting a tattoo and want to tattoo part of my book on your body. That is okay.) The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. I will also speak poorly of you on my blog. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy or copyrighted material.

Cover Designed by Tony Hale & Gabe Evans; Nuts photos courtesy of Craig Barnes Photography

Copyright Words to Spare, LLC 2012

File Version 1.20.1

For Mom, if only someone had taught me this earlier.

What The Celebrities Say

Working with Tony is like jumping into the arms of your favorite aunt. Except it's not. At all. I mean, his methods work. But it's not like that at all. - Jane Lynch ( Glee )

I confess to being a full-blown gymophobe. (I still have flashbacks of my mean fourth-grade gym teacher!) Tony actually makes the gym panic-attack free. - Tom Kenny (Voice of Spongebob)

Wait. You mean the short skinny trainer dude with the neon sneakers who writes books about women's menstrual cramps? Did he ever get a single menstrual cramp? I don't think so. The guy who helps fat people get skinnier? Was he ever fat ? I don't think so. And what's with the whole fake I don't talk thing? Is it turrets? If he did talk, would it be a string of expletives even I would be offended by? I guess he has a sense of humor. That's something good. - Betty Thomas (Director: 28 Days , The Brady Bunch Movie , etc.)

You can argue with Tony, or you can do what he says and buy smaller jeans. - Kari Wahlgren (Voice of Tigress, Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness )

Tony took on my Jewish-Cuban hips and he won! He let me pretend the punching bag was my ex's mom. That was fun and I got in shape too. I adore him but my tush loves him more. - Brigitte Bako ( G Spot , The Red Shoe Diaries )

I always look forward to my weekly beatings from Tony. - Tucker Barkley (Dance Choreographer: The X Factor )

So you know that moment when you are just finishing a hard workout with Tony and he says, Alright, you warmed up? We can start now? and then he laughs... I hate that moment. - Kayla Radomski ( So You Think You Can Dance )

Acknowledgements

Thank you to my co-authors and collaborators. Without your help and patience, this book would still be a big stack of ideas.

Special thanks to Sarah Griswold, for rewriting nearly every word of this book in the hopes of making me sound less stupid. Its fun to be able to say I wrote a book, even though meximelt and Fonzie are the only two words remaining from my original manuscript.

Thank you to my readers, editors and contributors: Sam Bangs, Alex and Red Donnally, Kinna McInroe, Elaine Alcala, James Singleton, and Silena Smith-Shamey.

Thank you to my brother, Richard, who is also an author, for his insight into how to not be a sucky author. I dont understand why you havent checked out his books yet. He writes great thrillers.

www.RichardCHaleAuthor.com

Finally, Id like to thank you, the reader, for allowing me to entertain myself throughout this book, instead of just getting to the point, even though you may want to lose weight right now. I thank you for indulging me.

Big Flippin Disclaimer

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical recommendations of a physician or other healthcare provider. Dont be stupid. Its just a book. This book is intended to entertain and to offer information to help the reader cooperate with physicians and health professionals in a mutual quest of improved well-being.

The identities of people described in this book have been changed to protect confidentiality. Even when I talk about Justin Bieber. That could be a totally different Justin Bieber than the one you might be thinking of.

The Kick It in the Nuts series is written and published as an information resource and educational guide for both professionals and non-professionals. It should not be used to replace medical advice.

The publisher and the author are not responsible for any goods and/or services offered or referred to in this book and expressly disclaim all liability in connection with the fulfillment of orders for any such goods and/or services and for any damages, loss, or expense to person or property arising out of or relating to them. You are responsible for your own health and wellness.

Please Visit the Authors Website at:

www.KickItInTheNuts.com

Or follow him on Twitter and Facebook:

twitter.com/KickItInTheNuts

facebook.com/KickItInTheNuts

Introduction

About The Authors

Geez. Where do I start? My name is Tony Hale. I use the pen name "T.C. Hale" because if you Google "Tony Hale" you find four hundred thousand pictures of Buster Bluth from Arrested Development . If you're unfamiliar with the actor, one of his first big national spots was that Volkswagen commercial with the guy doing the robot in his car. I can remember studying at The Groundlings (an Improv school that churns out a lot of SNL players) when a girl in my class told me that her friend's name was Tony Hale too, and that he was the guy in the Volkswagen commercial. I recall thinking, "That bastard's going to call dibs on my name before I do," and that's pretty much how it worked out. I run into Tony around town from time to time and he's actually a super nice guy. The first time I met him, he was shopping at Whole Foods. I walked up to him, didn't say a word, and just handed him my driver's license. "No way!" he said after seeing my name.

Turns out, he was excited to meet me because he had heard of my existence since I have an acting credit that is listed on his IMDb.com page. When I was touring as a comic, I was dating a girl who booked one of the leads in an independent film called Raging Hormones . Visiting her on set, the director asked me to drive by in a scene and make fun of the main character. It earned me a film credit, but they attached it to the wrong Tony Hale. Since this was literally THE worst movie that has ever been created, I decided to let Tony keep the credit. Tony told me that he always wondered if that was a real movie and how it got on his resume. I let him know that he should be proud to have been involved in a film that was even more brilliant than Gigli. But, enough about my name already. What about the rest? How the hell did I get here?

I guess like most natural health and nutrition researchers, my background comes from a professional career in stand-up comedy. I found that, as I traveled across the country from city-to-city, if I had a show that didnt go well, I figured that town must be constipated. With the realization that very few things are ever funny when you can't poop, I began using science in my comedy career. Handing out laxatives at my show seemed odd at first... Um, I think that's as far as I can BS my way through that story. That's really not how it happened at all and I apologize for lying so early in our relationship. The truth is, yes, I toured as a comic, but the only thing I learned about natural health on the road was that, in the towns where people drank a lot of alcohol, their bodies were a lot fatter and I was a lot funnier.

I became a natural health and nutrition researcher by necessity. On Valentines Day 2003, I took my girlfriend at the time to see The Dan Band at the club, Hollywood and Highland. Most of the night, I talked over the loud music. The next day, my voice was gone and it didnt come back. Over the next year or so, 23 doctors, specialists, and surgeons couldnt figure out what the problem was. With each doctor and each medication, my health seemed to decline a little more. After exhausting my way through doctors, speech therapists, natural practitioners, and a six-figure accumulation of expenses, I told everybody to piss off and decided I was going to figure this out myself.