Marston - The flames and shadows of romantic love an essai

By Ethan T. Marston

Copyright 2016 by Ethan T. Marston

All rights reserved. No part of thispublication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in anyform or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or otherelectronic or mechanical methods, without the prior writtenpermission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotationsembodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial usespermitted by copyright law.

Part I

Ive read that every time you remembersomething, youre really only remembering the details from the lasttime you remembered itthe specifics can change over time, likesome mental game of telephone (Paul, 2012). I guess that means Icant really trust this memory, as its one of my earliest, butIll tell you about it anyway.

I had a dream when I was three years old. Init, I reenacted the ballroom dance scene from Disneys Beautyand the Beast with Suzannah Rotz, a girl my mom babysat everynow and then (and therefore the love of my life). I remember theaerial views, the rose-colored lights, the graceful sweepingmotions of her dress, andmost of allan almost tangible sense ofromance. Now, over 20 years later, that dream has been reduced to amere ideaa shadow. I couldnt tell you how much of that dream wasreal and how much of it Ive added throughout my lifeI dont knowhow its been shaped by my experiences and my expectations. I donteven know for sure if the dream was a response to Beauty and theBeast or if it was something that originated within me.

I used to feel the same way about romanticlove.

I feel like Ive always had a good grasp onwhat love is, but romantic love? Its hard to really define it, orknow what makes it different from love in general. Everyone seemsto have their own opinion, howeverall fraught withgeneralizations, rosy expectations, grandiose gestures, and anoverwhelming sort of passion. Most people cant define romanticlove, or even pinpoint its cause or origin, but everyone has theirown experience to share. But is that experience really their own,or is it the product of their circumstances? What is romanticlove?

Jungian psychotherapist Robert A. Johnsonsays that Western culture now regards romantic love as it onceregarded deity: with spiritual fervor and mystery (1983, p. 55).Because romantic love has become the center of so many peoplesspirituality, many resist any attempt to explain or rationalize it.Romantic love has become an idealized experience that nobody wantsto quantify for fear of losing their happily ever after.

Whether or not they dance around a harddefinition, we can still catch a glimpse of how individuals in oursociety define romantic love by looking at their language andbehavior surrounding romantic relationships. As Johnson putsit,

In our culture people use the phrase,romantic love, indiscriminately to refer to almost any attractionbetween man and woman. If a couple is having a sexual affair,people will say they are romantically involved. If a man and awoman love each other and plan to marry, people will say it is aromance. Or a woman will say, I wish my husband would be moreromantic. But what she actually means is that her husband shouldbe more attentive, more thoughtful, and show more feeling. Weassume that if it is love, it must be romance, and if it isromance, it must be love. (1983, p. 43-4).

I think its obviously a problem when, as aculture, we use the same term for sexual affairs as for loving,committed relationshipsand for behaviors that arent eveninherently romantic. Can we really call these romantic thoughtsand behaviors lovethe same word we use for the bond a mother hasfor her child? Or is romance a category of its own? As a culture,we may want to make a distinction here. If were not even sure howto recognize what were looking for, finding someone to lovebecomes an insanely difficult task.

In the spring of 2014 I took on that task asI debated over whether or not I had found the love of my life. Iwas dating a girl named Allison Tenney (sorry, Suzannah). I knewthat I loved her even a month into the relationship, but was Iin love with her? Did I feel romantic feelings for her? Asthe relationship progressed, I always enjoyed being around her, andI could see her as a potential wife, but was I in love withher? Most guys probably could have answered that easier than Icould, referring to physical symptoms like butterflies in thestomach, that warm glowing feeling, the insane desire to kissherwhatever. But I just didnt get that.

I, as a man who is remarkably gay, couldntrely on my physiology to make that decision for me.

It seems like most people rely on theirsenses and their attractions to determine whether or not theyrein love. Many scientists familiar with neurochemistry and theinner workings of the brain would agree, arguing that romantic loveis a purely physiological experience. Dr. Helen Fisher, a leadingexpert in the biology of love and attraction, describes romanticlove as one of three interrelated motivation systems that drivemammals to mate (the other two are the sex drive and attachment)(2006, p. 89). Romantic love in other mammals is classified asattraction, which is characterized by increased energy, focusedattention on a specific mate, obsessive following, affiliativegestures, possessive mate-guarding, and motivation to win apreferred mating partner (p. 90). In various MRI (brainscan) studies held by Fisher and her colleagues, individuals whoreported to be madly in love displayed a lot activity in theirright ventral tegmental area (a fancy name for this part of thebrain) when shown images of their beloved (p. 91). This area ofthe brain is associated with high dopamine production.

Dopamine is sort of like the doggy treat ofneurochemicalsthe brain releases the hormone to reward goodbehavior. The brain definitely considers furthering the species(mating) good behavior, so when you see or spend time with apotential mate, you are essentially on drugs. You think Imkidding? Dopamine activity is associated with ecstasy, intenseenergy, sleeplessness, mood swings, emotional dependence, andcraving (Fisher, 2006, p. 92), all of which are experienced inromantic loveand drug addiction.

Though dopamine is the main culprit, peopleunder the influence of romantic love may also experience otherneurochemical changes. Increased testosterone, for instance, isassociated with feelings of lust in both men and women (Van Goozen,et al., 1997). Increased norepinephrinea hormone similar toadrenalinegives symptoms of a pounding heart, elevated bloodpressure, and other physiological responses (Fisher, 2006, p. 92).In a comparison of an OCD group, a recently in-love group, and acontrol group, researchers found that both the OCD group and therecently in-love group exhibited decreased serotonin, anotherhormone which most likely contributes to the lovers obsessivethinking and impulsivity (Marazziti, et al., 1999).

Though this seems like an intense addiction,physiological effects of romantic love seem to be fleeting. In astudy by Bartels and Zeki, participants had been truly, deeply,and madly in love for over a year longer than the participants inFishers study (2000, p. 3829). Their love also registered as lessintense than that of Fishers participants, who took the samesurvey (Fisher, et al., 2005, p. 60). In their own supplementarystudy, Fisher and her associates discovered that individuals whohave been in love longer show love activity in different areas ofthe brain than their honeymooning counterpartsareas that areassociated with attachment behaviors in other mammals (p. 60). Somaybe romantic love isnt the only thing couples can experience.Perhaps romantic love can eventually evolve into something morelasting.

Long story short, romantic love is at leastinitially supposed to feel like being on drugs, and I wasntgetting any of that with Allison. Maybe my brain just isntprogrammed that way. But is physiology all there is to romanticlove? Were my options for an eternal companion based solely on myneurochemistry? Im a gay man, but I had always dreamed of marryinga woman (literally), and as a member of the LDS (Mormon) Church Ibelieved that only a marriage between a man and woman can lastforever. That made it especially frustrating when I felt for othermen the sorts of things I