Steve Biddulph - 22 Mar

Whats it like being a girl today? Well, as you must have noticed, its not like when we were kids. Its different in good ways and bad. On the plus side, many girls are soaring. A huge battle has been won for the rights of girls; they can aim for a life that even their mothers couldnt have, let alone their grandmothers or women centuries before. Today, around three out of every five girls will turn out just fine . They will power along through their growing-up years, with just the odd minor challenge that we all need to help us grow, and head off into a happy adulthood. If you are reading this book, then you are the kind of parent who is motivated and open to ideas and your daughter will likely have a great start. And this book will help strengthen and affirm you.

But your daughter will have friends whose lives will not go at all well. One girl in five will encounter problems during her teenage years, usually with her mental health or, somewhat less often, with issues such as substance abuse, law-breaking or risky sexual behaviour. And because the mid-teens are the peak time for hormonal activity and neurological meltdown, this is when it will probably show up. If a girl is going to go off the rails, you will know it by fourteen.

Fortunately for this one-in-five girl, her family will mobilise. They will get help for her, or for themselves, and make changes . Caring teachers, the family doctor or a counsellor might help, and that girl will come good. She will pull out of the dive she is in and become stronger and more secure. Kaycee, who features early in this book and is the heroine of my Raising Girls talks is a real-life instance of this. Everyone in her family made changes, and her life was turned around.

So thats four out of five girls who are going to be okay. But if youre keeping count, that leaves one more. One in five girls, or twenty per cent, dont go well. They have problems starting in their teens, and those problems dont go away. They will have impaired lives right into their twenties and beyond. Mental health professionals have been on full alarm mode for several years now because this is an awful lot of girls having a really terrible time. This is new, and its a big problem. Something has gone wrong.

Weve all seen this happen to girls we know. Once rare conditions like eating disorders or self-harm or out-of-control anxiety are present in every classroom in the Western world. Schools have teams of psychologists on staff now. They build wellbeing centres and have wellness programs, but its a euphemism for dont commit suicide. In some schools I have visited, if a girl disappears during the day a counsellor is sent, quickly, to the train station to check she isnt standing on the platform in a state of acute distress. These are sweet kids, and its terrible to see the pain and danger they are in.

But why is this? For years I struggled to try and get across to parents what the girls I was talking to were experiencing. But heres my best attempt: its like being out in an open wasteland, alone and exposed. Theres a cold wind blowing. Its getting dark, and predators are circling. Girlhood has never felt more lonely.

Even though they have loving and devoted families, many girls today feel emotionally abandoned because their parents and teachers simply no longer have enough time or peace to really connect with them. So they are left to the wolves of the peer group, the internet and a corporate machine that wants them insecure so they will buy more stuff. We adults have not provided what they need. In fact, home and school combined have often piled on pressures and expectations that make things worse.

I have become convinced from forty years working with families that a big part of the problem is the way we live. We have, little by little, slipped into an over-busy, overloaded and overwhelmed life, with some crazy values and ways of spending our time. Our daughters needed something more, something we were no longer providing rich and varied adult connection, mentoring, and chances to contribute. Instead, they took to the online world for affirmation and comfort, and as a way of conversing with friends, but it wasnt a good or caring place. Instead of finding encouragement that they belonged, they were blitzed with media and became much more pressured to achieve, to look good and be amazing to be perfect. The rushed way of life today is not what humans were designed for. We feel it as adults, but our children from the littlest toddler girl to the most sophisticated-looking (but oh-so-fragile inside) teenager are being hammered.

We have to change how we live in order to save our girls. We need some backbone, some steel in our lives, and also more heart and time, if we are to help our youngsters grow strong. It begins when they are babies and lasts right until when they become adults. Its made up of small things you do every day, which this book will help you to put into action.

Once you put some fences around your life, and embrace happier, slower rhythms, then girlhood is much more natural, smooth and happy. The timeless things apply. She will love and laugh through her growing-up years, and even the teens will be more adventure than angst. We will teach you all about these stages and how to make them happy and rich in the pages that follow. But the real magic is built into your girl. You just have to release it.

As we free our girls from the monster machine that life has become, we free ourselves too. Kids change us, and for the better. So your daughter and her friends can learn to fly.

Good wishes and my love goes with you,

Steve Biddulph

Two-year-old Mollie lifts a Tonka truck high in the air and is about to smack it down on her friend Jemimas head. Even at two, she knows this is not really in the true spirit of playgroup, so she glances towards where her mother is watching to see how it might pan out. Her mum has seen it all and is urgently flashing her a dont you dare frown. Ever so slowly, Mollie lowers the truck to the carpet and goes back to crayoning. Jemima is blissfully unaware that anything has happened and goes on humming to herself while holding firmly on to the only yellow crayon .

* * * * * *

Ten-year-old Elise looks at her computer screen and sees a message bagging one of the girls in her class, a girl who is already shy and insecure. Its mean and personal, and one of her own friends just posted it. Elise chews her top lip so hard it leaves a red mark. She hates bullying, but how can she intervene and not make enemies? Her fingers tap angrily on the arm of her chair. She heads downstairs to talk to her dad .

* * * * * *

Fifteen-year-old Samantha hesitates during the Maths exam. She knows that if she keeps going she will probably top the class she likes Maths and always does well. But if she does, she will be seen as a brain, which is highly uncool, especially with boys. She knows she could make a few deliberate mistakes or just leave out the last couple of questions but does she want to?

Raising a daughter is fun. A girl brings a lot of joy and laughter into your life. Its amazing to watch this unique person emerge and grow, and know you helped her along.

But there can be anxious times, too. While we aim for a smooth and hassle-free life in raising our children, dramas do happen. In fact dramas are needed to help our girls grow. Will little Mollie learn to share? Will Elise stand up for her friend? Can Samantha stay true to herself? All these struggles are part of building the woman your daughter will become. If you know this, you wont be flustered and can help your daughter to calmly figure it all out.