Lane Moore - How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Dont

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Copyright 2018 by Lane Moore

Many names and identifying details have been changed.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Atria Paperback edition November 2018

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Interior design by Amy Trombat

Cover design And illustration by Raphael Geroni

Author photograph Amber Marlow

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Moore, Lane, author.

Title: How to be alone : if you want to, and even if you dont / Lane Moore.

Description: First Atria Paperback edition. | New York : Atria Paperback, 2018.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018023366 (print) | LCCN 2018034666 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501178849 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501178832 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Moore, Lane. | Comedians--United States--Biography. | Women comedians--United States--Biography. | Love--Humor. | LCGFT: Autobiographies. | Humor.

Classification: LCC PN2287.M696 (ebook) | LCC PN2287.M696 A3 2018 (print) | DDC 792.702/8092 [B] --dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018023366

ISBN 978-1-5011-7883-2

ISBN 978-1-5011-7884-9 (ebook)

Dedicated to the following, in no particular order:

Fiona Apple, Stevie Nicks, Nina Simone, Diana Ross, the Cranberries, Dolores ORiordan, Garbage, PJ Harvey, Sarah McLachlan, Romy and Micheles High School Reunion , The Craft , Scream , Letters to Cleo, Living Single , Moonpools & Caterpillars, Harold and Maude , Strangers with Candy , Mr. Show , Janeane Garofalo, Marya Hornbacher, Lauryn Hill, Selena, Alanis Morissette, Ani DiFranco, the Cure, Wonderfalls , Sheryl Crow, Dinah Washington, Sinad OConnor, Cyndi Lauper, John Waters, Prince, Reality Bites , Lesley Gore, the Dixie Chicks, Matilda , Girl, Interrupted , Julie Doiron, Winona Ryder, Patty Griffin, Patti Smith, Mazzy Star, the Crystals, Tori Amos, Wet Hot American Summer , Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, A League of Their Own , Angelina Jolie, Sandra Bullock, Practical Magic , Anne of Green Gables , 10 Things I Hate About You , Brittany Murphy, Natalie Imbruglia, Poe, Ella Fitzgerald, Radiohead, Sam Phillips, Neko Case, Kathleen Edwards, Faith Hill, Gin Blossoms, Better Than Ezra, Cameron Crowe, the Go-Gos, No Doubt, Heart, Portishead, Late Night with Conan OBrien , Amy Poehler, Depeche Mode, Aretha Franklin, Cat Power, Bic Runga, Debbie Harry, Parker Posey, The Breakfast Club , Empire Records , Veronica Mars , Buffy the Vampire Slayer , Arrested Development , Deana Carter, Shania Twain, Jo Dee Messina, Patsy Cline, Margaret Cho, and Rosie ODonnell.

And the small voice in my head that never let me give up.

Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, its not because they enjoy solitude. Its because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

JODI PICOULT, MY SISTERS KEEPER

The first time I remember describing my family as nonexistent was in middle school, when I described myself as the asexual offspring of a tree in an attempt to make total abandonment, in the face of very alive parents, sound super chill.

Theres a very particular sort of no-mans-land that comes with having alive parents who are technically there, could technically take you in if you really needed somewhere to go, but if you went there, you wouldnt be any safer than anywhere else.

Now, you might be reading this and thinking, But my family is so wonderful, and I still feel alone, or My mom sucks, but my dad was so awesome, but I still feel lonely all the time, or My mom was the best person, and ever since she died, I feel so lonely, and to those people I will say, I have no idea what any of that must feel like. None. Not a clue.

Even now, as I sit here writing this, I have never felt loved, in the way I imagine many of you have, in my entire life. I know that sounds depressing, so dont worry; my brain has responded accordingly by being depressed. I wish I had felt loved. It seems pretty cool. That isnt to say I havent had glimpses of what it might be like: the equivalent of shitty little face-mask samples from Sephorajust enough to cover your forehead and part of your right cheek. Just enough to give you an idea of how great it could be if there had been more of it for a longer period of timeenough for several uses, maybe even a lifetime of them. But the larger sizes are pricey and out of stock, and its fine, you didnt need it anyway. Youd gone this long without it.

I wish I could give you a clean and simple business card explaining what happened so I could be the kind of orphan who would immediately make sense to everyone. Like if my parents had a socially recognizable problem that immediately explained their inability to take care of me and my sister. Something I could put on paper and hand to people as proof. Here. This is why . And then I could write those two paragraphs for you, easy. Example: I have a cocaine-addicted dad and a mom who loved meth! Boom, no further details required, lets move on to the jokes! But they dont. And its not that simple.

If you tell someone your parent is an alcoholic or an addict, they seemingly, on some level, get that you had a rough childhood. You dont need to expand for hours, trying to prove your case like a lawyer with the odds stacked against him. Or in some cases spend your whole life trying to figure out if, wait a minute, holy shit, your parents actually were toxic after all, like youre trapped inside a one-player game of Clue and the big mystery is Why am I like this? Youre immediately seen and heard and validated and everything you see is realor so I imagine. Similarly, if you know someones medical diagnosis, this affords you the ability to say, Yeah, my dads a schizophrenic, and people will at least reply, Oh, shit, and trust you and move onand maybe even google schizophrenia later that night and continue muttering their whoa s on their own time. When its not that simple, or you dont have any of that information, its that much easier to go your whole life thinking its just you ; youre too sensitive, youre wrong, you need too much, you could fix your relationship with them if you wanted to, if you would just do the right thing, whatever that is, only God knows, but you should die trying.