Robert Allen - How to Win Arguments: The Complete Guide to Coming Out on Top

Thorsons

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First Published by Thorsons 1996

Copyright Robert Allen 1996

Robert Allen asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN: 9780722531594

Ebook Edition OCTOBER 2016 ISBN: 9780008226954

Version: 2016-10-14

How good are you at getting your own way? Do you usually persuade people to do what you want or do you sometimes feel that you get put upon by others who have greater powers of persuasion? The subject is, of course, a delicate one. In theory getting your own way is rather frowned upon and our parents and teachers always discouraged us from being too pushy. However, there will always be ruthlessly ambitious people who have no qualms about pushing others around to get what they want out of life. Unless we live a life of total seclusion, we are bound to come up against such people, and must be prepared to deal with them if we dont want to be pushed around ourselves. We may try to live a quiet life away from the fighting, but those of us with goals and ambitions are unlikely to achieve them without stepping into the ring. The rules of the playground, though uncivilized, dominate our lives to the grave.

As humans we live, work and play together in social groups such as families, firms, institutions and nations, all in social cooperation with each other. However, we are, each of us, autonomous: we have free will. And like other animals, even social animals, we are competitive. How does the autonomous individual seek to influence the behaviour of the social group? By argument. We seek to persuade others to our point of view. However, as we all know, that is a bland description of a process that is, in practice, decidedly colourful. For human nature dictates that the process of persuasion is invested with such importance that when we are thwarted the result might be anything from mild frustration to anger, violence or even, in extreme cases, outright war. This makes argument, and how we can get our own way, a subject of compelling interest to us all.

The truth, unattractive as it may be, is that we all argue constantly. Much of this argument occurs at a fairly innocuous level and we therefore tend not to notice what we are doing. In any case, because we have been cautioned from our earliest years that loud, public disagreement is in bad taste, we often try to pretend it is not happening. We say things like, We werent arguing; we were just discussing. If we come across people involved in an unseemly squabble (and we are conditioned to regard any quarrel not involving ourselves as unseemly), our usual reaction is to turn away. I wasnt going to get involved in an argument, we tell our friends later. The result is that argument, like death, is a subject we tend to avoid thinking about. This is a pity. For if the objective of argument is to persuade, then what we are doing is to make ourselves less effective persuaders. Also, as we shall see later, the process of argument is a uniquely human way of providing a safety valve for powerful feelings. Many animals indulge in threat displays that resolve conflict without risking damage to the participants, but humans who feel frustrated by the lack of cooperation shown by others can engage in a whole series of verbal manoeuvres before they resort to beating each other over the head with a brick. In societies where this safety valve is deliberately blocked, violence may be explosive and unpredictable.

So lets cast aside our natural reluctance and take a good, hard look at how we argue. By studying the processes involved we may be able to learn to make ourselves more effective at using them. Perhaps we should take as our model the self-defence class. It is one of the basic principles of self-defence that, because you will not have time to think when you are actually attacked, you should prepare yourself in advance to the point where your reactions are fluent and automatic. Argument is often bound up with human aggression and with consequently heightened levels of emotion. It follows that we should practise before any dire necessity arises.

Arguments are never the verbal free-for-all we might assume. They are highly structured and there are many distinct categories, all with their own rules and tactics. It is possible to identify a number of elements in all arguments, including emotional content, concern for the truth, status of the participants and self-interest of the participants. However, the relative proportions of such elements in different types of argument can be a very important guide to the tactics that we should adopt in a given situation. This process of analysing arguments and learning in advance how to respond forms a large part of this book. We must understand that a tiff with our partner is different in both kind and scale from, say, a legal wrangle conducted in the courts. Both are arguments and will be carried on according to rules, but they will be as different from each other as Rugby Union and Rugby League. (As my former games master succinctly put it, Same shaped ball, different games.)

We shall look at tactics used in argument and learn how to make them work effectively for us. There is a whole section devoted to different tactics, both aggressive and defensive, that will help you argue better. They have been culled from witnessing many hours of actual argument and are recommended for their efficacy. We shall also look at the dirty tricks of argument and see what can be done to guard against them. This brings me to an important point. Much of what goes on in argument is the sort of behaviour we are not proud of. It shows us at our worst and not as we would wish to see ourselves. When we argue, we may have all sorts of justifications for what we are doing, but the plain truth is that we are trying to get our own way. Quite often we do so directly at the expense of someone else and in the full knowledge that our victory may inflict damage on our opponent. I am merely commenting on how these ends are achieved. I am not recommending that you should suddenly adopt a repertoire of dodgy tactics and use them to bully and cajole those around you to do your will. Moral decisions about what is fair and what is not are left, at all times, up to you.