Christina Barrett - The Mysterious Death of Elisa Lam

THE MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF ELISA LAM

CHRISTINA BARRETT

THE GIRL FROM CANADA:

E lisa Lam was born on April 30, 1991 in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her parents were immigrants from Hong Kong who owned a local restaurant. They instilled in her the customs of her Chinese origins, even ensuring that she had a traditional Cantonese name which was Laam Hoji. She also spoke English and Cantonese fluently.

Elisa struggled throughout her life with mental illness, in particular a bipolar disorder which caused her severe bouts of mania and depression. Her depression in particular plagued her into adulthood - even while taking the proper dose of her prescribed medication. Very little is known about the details of the severity and treatment of her mental illness while growing up, however, Chinese culture has always had a stigma about mental illness. How much impact, if any, this had on Elisas mental state during those formative years can only be left to speculation.

By the age of 21 Elisa had been a student at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver for three years but was struggling with her bipolar condition. Despite being medicated for her condition she only managed to complete three courses during her three years at the university.

These type of unfinished monuments are common with people suffering from a bipolar disorder. In a manic state a bipolar person would have increased energy, elevated mood, tendency to talk in a very fast and agitated state, and other less predictable symptoms. When in a depressive state the symptoms would be be sadness, low energy, low motivation, loss of interest in activities and numerous other symptoms that are common with acute depression.

Though Elisa had taken down her blog, previously titled Ether Fields on Blogspot, she did open a Tumblr account which consisted of less intimate content such as pictures of fashion, reposts of other images and comments. But amidst this impersonal collection she made original posts that provides the best insight into her thoughts and feelings. She used a quote by Chuck Palahniuk as an epigraph (the same quote she also used on Blogspot):

Youre always haunted by the idea youre wasting your life.

The more you learn about Elisa, the more you realize how her mental state isolated her. Expressing her frustration with trying to communicate with people:

Im just trying to speak English to them

and its as though they think Im speaking Hungarian

Its upsetting to find out that if you care enough for a person and see them in need,

they dont want your help and they get angry if you do help.

Having depression seems to mean that youve lost the ability to even help someone else in trouble.

When it came to relationships the results seemed to be the same. She would be friends with a guy for whom she had romantic feelings. She would keep her feelings to herself - only sharing them in her posts. But then finally would declare her feelings to the person and the results were apparently always disastrous.

From her Tumblr post:

So theres a guy Im interested in,

but I think I scare him already so even though I want to talk to him a lot and just all around freak over and just say HI I LIKE YOU CAN WE MAKEOUT AND HOLD HANDS?

Im fairly certain thats the quickest way for him to turn tail and run

Instead I have to play it cool and just message him every now and then.

WHAT IS THIS NONSENSICAL GAME OF LOVE YOU SPEAK OF?

The problem is that I pretty much decided I like him after our second meeting

Impulsive? Jumping to conclusions? Me?

But if you notice things, hes just...you know, very very very right (not going to say perfect)

and you know since hes a musician, he has a tormented soul and all the girls go nuts for that

But it doesnt matter because, as all sad romantic movies teach us,

perfect person + wrong place + wrong time = HAHAHAH SUCKER

Through her posts you can see her becoming more infatuated with her love interest while already forecasting the end of it:

So the boy I am interested in, he recently got a tattoo

and it was on his left wrist

WHICH coincidentally was the one place I contemplated for a tattoo of my own (that and the back of my neck but then how am I going to be able to sleep?)

COINCIDENTALLY I had written HUBRIS the day earlier and traces were still there

Naturally I have no idea the full significance of the tattoo but I kinda have the idea behind it I think?

Just....sigh damnit you boy thing of a person

Why does learning more about you make me like you more.....

Elisa cant stand it anymore and finally expresses how she truly feels about him:

He said nothing.

I was rejected

Im going to be ok

It wasnt going to work

Hes worked out some things but hes handling it in a different way.

Were just different people

But I thought for a few moments maybe that we werent.

It was just me.

I want to go home

But Im out and I have to act like it didnt affect me at all.

And in the end she is back in an isolated state with her romantic interests dashed and now an awkwardness that takes away the friendship she had with him.

It was most likely amidst this mind set that she made a dramatic step that would change the course of her life forever.

Despite her failure at college Elisa was adamant about taking a trip to Southern California which she referred to as her West Coast Tour. This would consist of a trip to San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco.

According to her Tumblr post on January 21, 2013 she claimed that after attending a class reunion she came to the following realization:

Im not a profession (sic) depressed person. I am so much more than that and these people are my reminders that I am very lucky. Life is long and difficult and people will always be stupid and complain but it is worth it so long as you have special moments. There will be lots of these moments in the future and there have been a lot in the past. So what if everything is shit and all the plans have gone to hell. If I ask for help, someone might even be willing to spare a hand. Thank you friends, family and tumblr. The world is just awesome. (EMPHASIS MINE)

These comments are not someone on a euphoric manic high. They are the comments of someone coming to terms with depression - realizing that although life often hurts it is worth it for the special moments. The comments of someone having a moment of clarity.

Ultimately she wanted what every human being craves ... to be known, to be remembered. She ached for someone to think about her in her state of isolation.

Have you ever thought about how many people think about you? Its so bizarre. Imagine someone, out of the blue, thinking of your face. Something happens; they remember you. Your favorite song, how you dress, the way you talk, the look in your eyes when you are happy. They remember that about you, even if you havent seen each other in years. Everything in life is a reminder of a person, a place, a moment. You may think youve forgotten, but you havent.

But once again an ominous prophetic desire because in the end she was thought about, talked about, remembered ... for years. But the cost would be her death - her death without a plausible explanation.