Sonja Lyubomirsky - The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesnt, What Shouldnt Make You Happy, but Does

ALSO BY SONJA LYUBOMIRSKY

The How of Happiness

THE PENGUIN PRESS

Published by the Penguin Group

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First published in 2013 by The Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Copyright Sonja Lyubomirsky, 2013

All rights reserved

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING IN PUBLICATION DATA

Lyubomirsky, Sonja.

The myths of happiness : what should make you happy but doesnt, what shouldnt make you happy but does / Sonja Lyubomirsky.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-101-60550-9

1. Happiness. I. Title.

BF575.H27L983 2013

152.4'2dc232012030936

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

TO ISABELLA

Contents

Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.

CHARLOTTE BRONT

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

SOCRATES

Chance favors the prepared mind.

LOUIS PASTEUR

THE MYTHS

of

HAPPINESS

What Should Make You Happy, but Doesnt
What Shouldnt Make You Happy, but Does

SONJA LYUBOMIRSKY

THE PENGUIN PRESS | NEW YORK | 2013

INTRODUCTION

The Myths of Happiness

N early all of us buy into what I call the myths of happinessbeliefs that certain adult achievements (marriage, kids, jobs, wealth) will make us forever happy and that certain adult failures or adversities (health problems, not having a life partner, having little money) will make us forever unhappy. This reductive understanding of happiness is culturally reinforced and continues to endure, despite overwhelming evidence that our well-being does not operate according to such black-and-white principles.

One such happiness myth is the notion that Ill be happy when ____ (fill in the blank). Ill be happy when I net that promotion, when I say I do, when I have a baby, when Im rich, and so on. The false promise is not that achieving those dreams wont make us happy. They almost certainly will. The problem is that these achievementseven when initially perfectly satisfyingwill not make us as intensely happy (or for as long) as we believe they will. Hence, when fulfilling these goals doesnt make us as happy as we expected, we feel there must be something wrong with us or we must be the only ones to feel this way.

The flip side is an equally pervasive, and equally toxic, happiness myth. This is the belief that I cant be happy when ____ (fill in the blank). When a negative change of fortune befalls us, our reaction is often supersized. We feel that we can never be happy again, that our life as we know it is now over.

My relationship is in trouble. Ive achieved my dreams but feel emptier than ever. My work isnt what it used to be. The test results were positive. I have huge regrets. What I hope this book will make singularly clear is that although it may appear that some of these major challenges will definitively and permanently change our lives for better or for worse, it is really our responses to them that govern their repercussions. Indeed, it is our initial reactions that make these turns of events into crisis points in the first place, instead of the foreseeable and even ordinary passages of life that they actually are. Unfortunately, our initial reactions compel us to choose dramatic (and often devastating) response paths. For example, whereas our first response to the realization that our job no longer brings satisfaction might be to conclude that there is something wrong with the job and immediately begin looking for a position elsewhere, the solution with more long-term rewards may be to try instead to reshape and reconsider our jobto revisit and revise our present-day thoughts and feelings.

This book covers ten different adult crisis pointsbeginning with relationships (marriage, singlehood, kids), moving on to money and work (job malaise, financial success and ruin)and ending with problems inherent to middle age and beyond (health issues, aging, regrets). Feel free to begin with the crisis points that you most connect to or are most curious about. I expect that all of us will identify with a good portion of the particular challenges and transitions that I describe here, as some of them may represent a part of ourselves as we were yesterday, are today, and will be tomorrow. With age, responsibilities and losses pile up, and life becomes more complicated, more challenging, and sometimes more confusing. Before things start cascading, its valuable to take a long and thoughtful look at the major passages and touchstones of our lives, and what motivates our reactions to them.

Instead of being frightening or depressing, your crisis points can be opportunities for renewal, growth, or meaningful change. However, how you greet them really matters: Science shows that chance does favor the prepared mind. I draw on research from several related fieldsincluding positive psychology, social psychology, personality psychology, and clinical psychologyto help those of you facing consequential turning points to choose wisely. The science I describe will offer you a broader perspectiveessentially a birds-eye-view of your unique situationand push you beyond your expectations. I cant tell you which path to take, but I can help provide the tools so that you can make healthier and more informed decisions on your own. I can help you achieve that prepared mind, the one that knows where happiness really lies and where it doesnt.

Our crisis pointstimes when in an instant we feel our lives will never be the same, when we come to a realization or take in a weighty piece of newsare key moments in our lives. They are the moments that we remember and pivot on, the ones we need to consider and respond to. This is true not just because such moments are big, but because even seemingly devastating crossroads can be gateways to positive changes in our lives. Recent research reveals that people who have experienced some adversity (for example, several negative events or life-changing moments) are ultimately happier (and less distressed, traumatized, stressed, or impaired) than those who have experienced no adversity at all. Finally, the experience of negative emotions like grief, worry, and anger during our crisis pointswhen these emotions are not chronic or severecan be extremely valuable, as such emotions alert us to threats, wrongs, and problems that require our attention. In summary, learning to look beyond the expectations that accompany the myths of happiness may be uncomfortable and even painful in the beginning, but it has the potential to lead to flourishing and to growth.