Miller - Scary close : dropping the act and finding true intimacy

Praise for Scary Close

The digital tools allowing us to act as our own publicity agent are making it harder, not easier, to connect. Im thankful for Don who offers his journey out of public isolation and into a life of intimacy. The work is hard but the reward is worth it. What a beautiful thing to be known.

Kirsten Powers, columnist, USA Today

For those of us seeking a deeper happiness, Scary Close is a vulnerable, gripping, and impactful resource. Don provides a beautiful story and practical tools all in one transformational book. He stepped off the Grand Canyon of vulnerability in this one.

Miles Adcox, host, The Daily Helpline

Since Donald Miller wrote this book, I expected it to be good. What I didnt expect was that Scary Close would completely transform my approach to my marriage, parenting, work, and faith. Everyone needs to read this book, but no one can have my copy. This is the one book I will be loaning to no one. I need Scary Close near me at all times reminding me that being a real, live, messy human being is miracle enough.

Glennon Melton, author, Carry On,Warrior and creator, Momastary

Don invites us into his story of how he learned to impress people less and connect with them more. Finding connection is what everyone wants and yet we all struggle with it. Heres a friend who will walk alongside you as you fight for it, find it, and grow it. The journey is worth it all. Thanks, Don.

Henry Cloud, author, Boundaries

Some authors I love because theyre real, others because theyre inspiring. Donald Miller is both. He has a way of drawing you into the narrative and then bam!, hits you with a truth you never saw coming. Scary Close will leave you feeling enlightened and refreshed and will change your relationships for the better.

Korie Robertson, Duck Dynasty

Also by Donald Miller

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Blue Like Jazz

Searching for God Knows What

2014 by Donald Miller

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Nelson Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

In some instances, names, dates, location, and other details have been changed to protect the identity and privacy of those discussed in this book.

ISBN 978-0-7180-3567-9 IE

ISBN 978-1-4002-0397-0 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014945329

ISBN 978-0-7852-1318-5

14 15 16 17 18 RRD 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Elizabeth Miller

Contents

by Bob Goff

by Bob Goff

WERE ALL AMATEURS WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE and relationships. Ive never seen anyone go professional, or wear a relationship jacket with stickers all over it from corporate sponsors like a NASCAR driver. Theyll never make an Olympic event out of relationships either, although I cant lie, Id like to see it in the winter games. Weve let magazines on the end caps of our grocery stores, movies at our theaters, and old boyfriends and girlfriends who have failed us do most of the talking. Not surprisingly, weve ended up with a distorted idea not only of who we are, but also of what it means to love well.

Don Miller is one of my closest friends. I know that he loves me because hes told me. But even if he hadnt said a word, Id know Don loved me because I have experienced how Don has treated me during times of tremendous joy, paralyzing sadness, and lingering uncertainty. In a word, Hes been with me.

A number of years ago, Don and I went to Gulu, Uganda together. Ugandas civil war with the Lords Resistance Army was still raging at the time and over a million people who had been displaced from their homes were living in displacement camps with no social services and very little security. When we arrived in Northern Uganda, we didnt stay in a hotel; we stayed in a camp with 38,000 displaced people. It was certainly more than a little unsettling. Abductions were still happening in the region by the LRA fighters. Most of these kidnappings were taking place in the displacement camps.

It was late in the evening before Don and I left the warm fire and conversation with leaders from the camp. In the dark, we made our way to the hut we were staying in. There wouldnt be any way to protect ourselves against any intruder who meant us harm. After ducking into a small opening in the hut, without saying a word, Don rolled out his mat in front of the door. Theyd have to get by him to get to anyone else. Good friends do that; they guard each other when things get scary by putting themselves in between their friends and what could harm them. Don wrote this book with much the same in mind.

I GET A LOT OF MAIL. I BET YOU DO TOO. MOST OF mine is from people I know, but I get a fair amount of junk mail too. Before I open any of it, I check the return addresses to see if the mail is from someone I know and trust. Some of my junk mail is obvious and easy to pull from the pile and get rid of without reading it, but a lot of it pretends to look like its not junk. Sometimes its hard to tell the difference. The same is true in our relationships. This book will help you sort the junk mail youve been bringing to your relationships.

But if youre looking for a book with steps in it, this isnt the one for you. Don writes with intellectual honesty and sometimes-painful transparency about his own life. Hes found honesty and transparency to be helpful guides. Don isnt asking us to agree with him about what hes experienced; however, hes challenged more than a few of my assumptions about what makes for good relationships and Im better for it.

Don and I have spoken at quite a few events together over the years. The most difficult part for me is never who Im talking to or what Im talking aboutits introducing Don. If you can believe it, Ive never made it a single time through introducing Don without getting choked up. Im not really sure why. I think its because I love Don and love makes us both strong and weak at the same time. I love who Don is, I love who hes becoming, and I am grateful for a guy who will put himself between me and what scares me the most, even if it costs him a lot.

Let me introduce you to my friend, Don Miller. And yes, Im crying.

SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME WE WILL NEVER FEEL loved until we drop the act, until were willing to show our true selves to the people around us.

When I heard that I knew it was true. Id spent a good bit of my life as an actor, getting people to clapbut the applause only made me want more applause. I didnt act in a theater or anything. Im talking about real life.

The thought of not acting pressed on me like a terror. Can we really trust people to love us just as we are? Nobody steps onto a stage and gets a standing ovation for being human. You have to sing or dance or something.