Neil Humphreys - Complete Notes from Singapore : All-in-one collection of Neil Humphreys’ Best-selling trilogy, Singapore

What the media said about Neil Humphreys three books, Notes from an even Smaller Island , Scribbles from the Same Island and Final Notes from a Great Island .

Final Notes from a Great Island

Neil Humphreys gives readers a wonderful inside look at Singapore from an outsiders point of view. And its all written in an honest and humorous way. As soon as I started reading, it felt like I was in Singapore and actually visiting the places Humphreys talks about. He describes the people, places and the city in such vivid detail.

Galaxie Magazine (Malaysia)

Final Notes from a Great Island is a great read because its full of little scenarios that we can relate to in our daily lives. Far from trying to tackle the big issues, Humphreys is adept at capturing those tiny idiosyncrasies that make us who we are as a people.

IS Magazine

Chock full of witty anecdotes, Final Notes from A Great Island: A Farewell Tour of Singapore should be made a mandatory History text for all Singaporean students. See Singapore through the eyes of a true-blue ang moh as he puts a fresh twist on stuff you thought was boringlike the Merlion.

LIME

Scribbles from the Same Island

Some of his observations are so bitingly spot-on, you dont know whether to laugh or just hit him over the head.

Her World

He is that voice in your conscience that you wish will go away and let you be that kiasu, kaypoh and uptight Singaporean that youve become.

TODAY

Thats Humphreyss specialtycoaxing humorous thoughts from otherwise conservative minds, and making liberal thinkers guffaw mindlessly.

Sunday Mail (Malaysia)

Notes from an even Smaller Island

The book presents a warts-and-all view of the city-state and celebrates many of the things most often criticised.

BBC World

A thoroughly enjoyable read on the virtues (or hazards) of living in Singapore through the eyes of a 6-foot-4-inch Briton whose style is so disarmingly honest, you will laugh at the things you once considered the bane of your existenceDecidedly Singapore, distinctly British.

Singapore FHM

He pokes fun at Singaporeans ... but rather than bristle at his observations, you are likely to twitch with mirth. The ribbing is always cushioned by good-natured quips often sprinkled with hilarious anecdotes.

The Sunday Times

Blatant prejudices are chewed on, digested and spat out with an equal measure of candour and tongue-in-cheek.

Singapore Seventeen

2011 Marshall Cavendish International (Asia) Private Limited

Published by Marshall Cavendish Editions

An imprint of Marshall Cavendish International

1 New Industrial Road, Singapore 536196

Photo in Foreword by: Gerald Gay, Copyright 2002 - 2007

www.TalkingCock.com . Used with permission.

Cover and illustrations by Lock Hong Liang

All rights reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner. Request for permission should be addressed to the Publisher, Marshall Cavendish International (Asia) Private Limited, 1 New Industrial Road, Singapore 536196. Tel: (65) 6213 9300, fax: (65) 6285 4871. E-mail: .

The publisher makes no representation or warranties with respect to the contents of this book, and specifically disclaims any implied warranties or merchantability or fitness for any particular purpose, and shall in no events be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damage, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Other Marshall Cavendish Offices:

Marshall Cavendish Ltd. 5th Floor, 3238 Saffron Hill, London ECIN 8FH, UK Marshall Cavendish Corporation. 99 White Plains Road, Tarrytown NY 10591-9001, USA Marshall Cavendish International (Thailand) Co Ltd. 253 Asoke, 12th Flr, Sukhumvit 21 Road, Klongtoey Nua, Wattana, Bangkok 10110, Thailand Marshall Cavendish (Malaysia) Sdn Bhd, Times Subang, Lot 46, Subang Hi-Tech Industrial Park, Batu Tiga, 40000 Shah Alam, Selangor Darul Ehsan, Malaysia

Marshall Cavendish is a trademark of Times Publishing Limited

e ISBN: 978-981-435-188-1

For the women in my life

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I should recognise the persistence of the gang at Marshall Cavendish and Pansing. They insisted that an omnibus edition was the way to go. I had reservations. I wasnt sure what an omnibus was. But I agreed when they allowed me to include pictures of semi-naked women.

Puay Koon drew those naked women with an accuracy that was altogether rather alarming and Colin Goh found the time to make up some kind words and produce a remarkable Singapore movie in the same year ( Singapore Dreamin g, go see it).

My old mates, Scott and David, made invaluable contributions to all three volumes and Im genuinely grateful that theyre still talking to me.

Tracy will begin divorce proceedings if I do not acknowledge that she took the photograph that graces this omnibus edition. She took the cover photograph on my first book, received no credit and went as far as contacting a solicitor. Thanks for the photo. Thanks for not divorcing me. Thanks for always being there.

Going through the three books again, I notice that one character crops up more than any other. Its extraordinary. She lives in England, yet still manages to pop up all over the pages to discuss her nurses underwear and kangaroo cemeteries. So I dedicate this special edition to a special woman. Thanks mum, for contributing to every chapter of my Singapore story.

FOREWORD

Looking back, I dont know exactly what it was that made us cast Neil Humphreys as Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, the founder of modern-day Singapore, in our low-budget, low-brow comedy film, TalkingCock the Movie.

Firstly, he looked nothing like Raffles, and secondly, he had an unusual accent. Although he was an Englishman, he didnt speak like he had a potato stuffed in his mouth like Raffles probably did. While I recognised traces of Cockney in his accent, more than anything, he sounded, well, Singaporean. And not in that fake, condescending way that many expatriates do whenever they try to speak Singlish, the local creole. This man knew the difference between a lah, leh and a hor.

Perhaps we found it appealingly subversive to cast someone so post-colonial as Singapores biggest colonial bigwig. Or maybe it was just Neils infectious sense of humour and obliging manner that made him so much fun to have on set. Or perhaps it was because he was willing to work cheap, just like the rest of us.

Whatever the reason, now, whenever I think of Sir Stamford Raffles, the image I see in my head is not the Singapore Tourism Board-approved statue that stands outside the Victoria Theatre, but rather, Neil in his muddy track shoes, white knickerbocker trousers, and an ill-fitting black jacket that calls to mind an organ grinders monkey.

And why not? Neil spent more time in Singapore (over 10 years) than Raffles ever did (around 5 years, and even then with lots of travelling in between), and probably mingled far more with the locals. Also, while Raffles drafted Singapores first constitution, I dare say it is nowhere near as entertaining as what youre about to read.

With the clear affection hes demonstrated for Singapore in his writings, and judging by the popularity of his books, Neil is definitely the front-runner for the title of Singapores favourite ang moh (literally: red-haired one, meaning Caucasian in the Southern Chinese Hokkien dialect).