Anthony de Mello - Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality

ANTHONY DE MELLO, S .J., was the director of the Sadhana Institute of Pastoral Counseling in Poona, India. A member of the Jesuit province of Bombay, he was widely known in English- and Spanish-speaking countries for his retreats, workshops, seminars on prayer, and therapy courseswork which he was involved in for over eighteen years around the world. Though he died suddenly in 1987, he leaves a rich legacy of spiritual teaching through his written and recorded words.

REV. J. FRANCIS STROUD, S J., a Campus Minister at Fordham University in New York, is also the Executive Director of the De Mello Spirituality Center and worked closely with Anthony de Mello for eight years.

ON WAKING UP

S pirituality means waking up. Most people, even though they dont know it, are asleep. Theyre born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep without ever waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing that we call human existence. You know, all mysticsCatholic, Christian, non-Christian, no matter what their theology, no matter what their religionare unanimous on one thing: that all is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well. Strange paradox, to be sure. But, tragically, most people never get to see that all is well because they are asleep. They are having a nightmare.

Last year on Spanish television I heard a story about this gentleman who knocks on his sons door. Jaime, he says, wake up! Jaime answers, I dont want to get up, Papa. The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school. Jaime says, I dont want to go to school. Why not? asks the father. Three reasons, says Jaime. First, because its so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school. And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster. Wake up, wake up! Youve grown up. Youre too big to be asleep. Wake up! Stop playing with your toys.

Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but dont believe them. Dont believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success. This is what they want; they want their toys replaced. Thats all. Even the best psychologist will tell you that, that people dont really want to be cured. What they want is relief; a cure is painful.

Waking up is unpleasant, you know. You are nice and comfortable in bed. Its irritating to be woken up. Thats the reason the wise guru will not attempt to wake people up. I hope Im going to be wise here and make no attempt whatsoever to wake you up if you are asleep. It is really none of my business, even though I say to you at times, Wake up! My business is to do my thing, to dance my dance. If you profit from it, fine; if you dont, too bad! As the Arabs say, The nature of rain is the same, but it makes thorns grow in the marshes and flowers in the gardens.

WILL I BE OF HELP TO YOU IN THIS RETREAT?

D o you think I am going to help anybody? No! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Dont expect me to be of help to anyone. Nor do I expect to damage anyone. If you are damaged, you did it; and if you are helped, you did it. You really did! You think people help you? They dont. You think people support you? They dont.

There was a woman in a therapy group I was conducting once. She was a religious sister. She said to me, I dont feel supported by my superior. So I said, What do you mean by that? And she said, Well, my superior, the provincial superior, never shows up at the novitiate where I am in charge, never. She never says a word of appreciation. I said to her, All right, lets do a little role playing. Pretend I know your provincial superior. In fact, pretend I know exactly what she thinks about you. So I say to you (acting the part of the provincial superior), You know, Mary, the reason I dont come to that place youre in is because it is the one place in the province that is trouble-freeno problems. I know youre in charge, so all is well. How do you feel now? She said, I feel great. Then I said to her, All right, would you mind leaving the room for a minute or two. This is part of the exercise. So she did. While she was away, I said to the others in the therapy group, I am still the provincial superior, O.K.? Mary out there is the worst novice director I have ever had in the whole history of the province. In fact, the reason I dont go to the novitiate is because I cant bear to see what she is up to. Its simply awful. But if I tell her the truth, its only going to make those novices suffer all the more. We are getting somebody to take her place in a year or two; we are training someone. In the meantime I thought I would say those nice things to her to keep her going. What do you think of that? They answered, Well, it was really the only thing you could do under the circumstances. Then I brought Mary back into the group and asked her if she still felt great. Oh yes, she said. Poor Mary! She thought she was being supported when she wasnt. The point is that most of what we feel and think we conjure up for ourselves in our heads, including this business of being helped by people.

Do you think you help people because you are in love with them? Well, Ive got news for you. You are never in love with anyone. Youre only in love with your prejudiced and hopeful idea of that person. Take a minute to think about that: You are never in love with anyone, youre in love with your prejudiced idea of that person. Isnt that how you fall out of love? Your idea changes, doesnt it? How could you let me down when I trusted you so much? you say to someone. Did you really trust them? You never trusted anyone. Come off it! Thats part of societys brainwashing. You never trust anyone. You only trust your judgment about that person. So what are you complaining about? The fact is that you dont like to say, My judgment was lousy. Thats not very flattering to you, is it? So you prefer to say, How could you have let me down?

So there it is: People dont really want to grow up, people dont really want to change, people dont really want to be happy. As someone so wisely said to me, Dont try to make them happy, youll only get in trouble. Dont try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it irritates the pig. Like the businessman who goes into a bar, sits down, and sees this fellow with a banana in his eara banana in his ear! And he thinks, I wonder if I should mention that to him. No, its none of my business. But the thought nags at him. So after having a drink or two, he says to the fellow, Excuse me, ah, youve got a banana in your ear. The fellow says, What? The businessman repeats, Youve got a banana in your ear. Again the fellow says, What was that? Youve got a banana in your ear! the businessman shouts. Talk louder, the fellow says, Ive got a banana in my ear!

ON THE PROPER KIND OF SELFISHNESS