George Mikes - How to be an Alien

The weather is the most important subject in the land. In Europe, people say, He is the type of person who talks about the weather, to show that somebody is very boring. In England, the weather is always an interesting, exciting subject and you must be good at talking about it.

George Mikes wrote this book to tell the English what he thought about them. He is both funny and rude about the strange things English people do and saythe things that make them different from other Europeans. In this book you will learn many useful rules about being English. You will learn how to talk about the weather, and what to say when somebody brings you a cup of tea at 5 oclock in the morning. You will discover what the English really think of clever people and doctors. This book will help you to be more like the English. As George Mikes says: If you are like the English, they think you are funny. If you are not like them, they think you are even funnier.

George Mikes was born in Hungary in 1921. He studied law at Budapest University, and then began to write for newspapers. He came to London for two weeks just before the Second World War began, and made England his home for the rest of his life. During the war he worked for the BBC, making radio programmes for Hungary.

He wrote How to be an Alien in 1946. He did not want to write an amusing book, but thousands of English people bought it and found it very funny. He wrote many other books about foreigners and English people. The story of his life, How to be Seventy, went on sale in bookshops on his seventieth birthday in 1982. He died in 1987.

I wrote this book in 1946. Many people bought it and said kind things about it. I was surprised and pleased but I was also unhappy that they liked it.

I will explain.

It is very nice when a lot of people buy a book by a new writer. Im sorry, very nice is not an English thing to say. It is not unpleasant when a lot of readers like a new book.

Why was I unhappy? I wrote this book to tell the English what I thought about them, or where to get off as they say. I thought I was brave. I thought, This book is going to make the English angry! But no storm came! The English only said that my book was quite amusing. I was very unhappy.

Then, a few weeks later, I heard about a woman who gave this book to her husband because she thought it was quite amusing. The man sat down, put his feet up, and read the book. His face became darker and darker. When he finished the book, he stood up and said, Rude! Very, very rude! He threw the book into the fire.

What a good Englishman! He said just the right thing, and I felt much better. I hoped to meet more men like him, but I never found another Englishman who did not like the book.

I have written many more books since then but nobody remembers them. Everybody thinks How to be an Alien is the only book that I have ever written. This is a problem. I am now in the middle of writing a very large and serious book, 750 pages long about old Sumeria. I will win the Nobel Prize for it. It will make no difference; people will still think How to be an Alien is the only book that I have ever written.

People ask me, When are you going to write another How to be an Alien? I am sure they mean to be kind, but they cannot quite understand my quiet reply: Never, I hope.

I think I am the right person to write about how to be an alien. I am an alien. I have been an alien all my life. I first understood that I was an alien when I was twenty-six years old. In my country, Hungary, everybody was an alien so I did not think I was very different or unusual. Then I came to England and learned that I was different. This was an unpleasant surprise.

I learned immediately that I was an alien. People learn all important things in a few seconds. A long time ago I spent a lot of time with a young woman who was very proud of being English. One day, to my great surprise, she asked me to marry her.

No, I replied, I cannot marry you. My mother does not want me to marry a foreigner.

She looked surprised and replied, Me, a foreigner? What a funny thing to say. Im English. You are the foreigner! And your mother is a foreigner, too!

I did not agree. Am I a foreigner in Budapest, too? I asked.

Everywhere, she said. If its true that youre an alien in England, its also true in Hungary and North Borneo and Venezuela and everywhere.

She was right, of course, and I was quite unhappy about it. There is no way out of it. Other people can change. A criminal can perhaps change his ways and become a better person but a foreigner cannot change. A foreigner is always a foreigner. He can become British, perhaps; he can never become truly English.

So it is better to understand that you are always a foreigner. Maybe some English people will forgive you. They will be polite to you. They will ask you into their homes and they will be kind to you. The English keep dogs and cats and they are happy to keep a few foreigners, too. This book offers you some rules about being an alien in England. Study them carefully. They will help you to be more like the English. If you are like the English, they think you are funny. If you are not like them, they think you are even funnier.

G.M.

Before you read

1. Look at the front cover of this book. What does this picture tell you about Englishmen? Can you still see people like this today? Are there people like this in your country?
2. Find these words in your dictionary: accent, alien, bell, lawyer, manners, preface, soul, warning.

   Now put the words in the right spaces.

   • music
   • door
   • criminal
   • bad
   • health
   • books
   • spaceship
   • foreign

After you read

1. Choose the correct answer.
   • English people think you are clever if
     • you talk about foreign writers.
     • youre a doctor.
     • you talk about the weather every day.
   • Its better
     • to drink tea in hot weather than in cold weather.
     • to have good manners than to have good food.
     • to speak loudly than to speak quietly.
   • The English are usually
     • polite to foreigners.
     • friendly to foreigners.
     • rude to foreigners.
2. Finish these sentences. An Englishman will
   • smile and wait if you
   • not forgive you if you
   • think you are clever, polite and amusing if you
   • say he quite likes you if he
   • think you are very foreign and strange if you
   • think you probably speak good English if you
3. What does George Mikes find strange about
   • hot water bottles?
   • cats?
   • radio weather reports?

Before you read

1. Think of three ways to be rude in your country. Are these things also rude in England, do you think?
2. Find these words in your dictionary: compromise, hypocrite, pleasure, queue, sphinx.

   Which of these words is

   • something made of stone?
   • something you enjoy?
   • something you do at a bus-stop?
   • something you do to end a disagreement?
   • someone who says one thing and does another?

After you read

1. Some of these sentences are not true. Which ones, and why?
   • English people think clever people are dishonest.
   • Pubs are open at 4 oclock in the afternoon.
   • The English dont like fires in their houses.
   • The English like singing when nobody can hear them.