Falconer Ian - Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary

When You Are Engulfed in Flames

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

Me Talk Pretty One Day

Holidays on Ice

Naked

Barrel Fever

Copyright 2010 by David Sedaris

Illustrations copyright 2010 by Ian Falconer

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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First eBook Edition: October 2010

Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Acknowledgment is made to Public Radio Internationals This American Life, on which the following stories were originally broadcast in a slightly different form: The Cat and the Baboon, The Squirrel and the Chipmunk, The Cow and the Turkey, The Parrot and the Potbellied Pig, and Hello Kitty. The Cow and the Turkey also appeared in Holidays on Ice.

Photo credits: surgical glove hand (p. ) courtyardpix / Fotolia

ISBN: 978-0-316-13127-8

F OR MY SISTER G RETCHEN

The cat had a party to attend, and went to the baboon to get herself groomed.

What kind of party? the baboon asked, and she massaged the cats neck in order to relax her, the way she did with all her customers. Hope its not that harvest dance down on the riverbank. My sister went last year and said shed never seen such rowdiness. Said a fight broke out between two possums, and one gal, the wife of one or the other, got pushed onto a stump and knocked out four teeth. And they were pretty ones too, none of this yellowness you find on most things that eat trash.

The cat shuddered. No, she said. This is just a little get-together, a few friends. That type of thing.

Will there be food? the baboon asked.

Something, the cat sighed. I just dont know what.

Course its hard, the baboon said. Everybody eating different things. You got one who likes leaves and another who cant stand the sight of them. Folks have gotten so picky nowadays, I just lay out some peanuts and figure they either eat them or they dont.

Now, I wouldnt like a peanut, the cat said. Not at all.

Well, I guess youd just have drinks, then. The trick is knowing when to stop.

Thats never been a problem for me, the cat boasted. I drink until Im full, and then I push myself away from the table. Always have.

Well, youve got sense, then. Not like some of them around here. The baboon picked a flea from the cats head and stuck it gingerly between her teeth. Take this wedding I went tolast Saturday, I think it was. Couple of marsh rabbits got marriedyou probably heard about it.

The cat nodded.

Now, I like a church service, but this was one of those write-your-own-vows sorts of things. Neither of them had ever picked up a pen in their life, but all of a sudden theyre poets, right, like thats all it takesbeing in love.

My husband and I wrote our own vows, the cat said defensively.

Sure you did, countered the baboon, but you probably had something to say, not like these marsh rabbits, carrying on that their love was like a tender sapling or some damn thing. And all the while they had this squirrel off to the side, plucking at a harp, I think it was.

I had a harp player at my wedding, the cat said, and it was lovely.

I bet it was, but you probably hired a professional, someone who could really play. This squirrel, I dont think shed taken a lesson in her life. Just clawed at those strings, almost like she was mad at them.

Well, Im sure she tried her best, the cat said.

The baboon nodded and smiled, the way one must in the service industry. Shed planned to tell a story about a drunken marsh rabbit, the brother of the groom at last weeks wedding, but there was no point in it now, not with this client anyway. Whatever she said, the cat disagreed with, and unless she found a patch of common ground she was sure to lose her tip. You know, she said, cleaning a scab off the cats neck, I hate dogs. Simply cannot stand them.

What makes you bring that up? the cat asked.

Just thinking, the baboon said. Some kind of spaniel mix walked in yesterday, asking for a shampoo, and I sent him packing, said, I dont care how much money you have, Im not making conversation with anyone who licks his own ass. And the moment she said it, she realized her mistake.

Now, whats wrong with that? the cat protested. Its good to have a clean anus. Why, I lick mine at least five times a day.

And I admire you for it, the baboon said, but youre not a dog.

Meaning?

On a cat its classy, the baboon said. Theres a grace to it, but a dog, you know the way they hunker over, legs going every which way.

Well, yes, the cat said. I suppose you have a point.

Then they slobber and drool all over everything, and what they dont get wet, they chew to pieces.

That they do. The cat chuckled, and the baboon relaxed and searched her memory for a slanderous dog story. The collie, the German shepherd, the spaniel mix she claimed to have turned away: they were all good friends of hers, and faithful clients, but what would it hurt to pretend otherwise and cross that fine line between licking ass and simply kissing it?

The yellow warbler would often claim that she was fine until she hit Brownsville. Thenwham! shed tell her friends. I dont know if its the air or what, but whenever we pass it on our migration, I have to stop and puke my guts out.

Indeed she does, her husband would say, laughing.

An hour or twos rest is all I need, but isnt it strange? Not Olmito or Bayview or Indian Lake, but Brownsville. Brownsville every time.

The birds she was talking to would try to sound sympathetic or, at the very least, interested. Hmmmm, theyd say, or, Brownsville, I think I have a cousin there.

From the southern tip of Texas, the couple would fly over Mexico and then into Central America. My familys been wintering in Guatemala for as long as I can remember, the warbler would explain. Every year, like clockwork, here we come by the tens of thousandsbut do you think any of those Spanish-speaking birds have bothered learning English? Not on your life!

Its really horrible, her husband would say.

Well, funny too, his wife would insist. Horrible and funny. Like one time I asked this little Guatemalan bird, I said, Don day est tass las gran days mose cass de cab eyza?

Here her listeners would cock their heads, confused and more than a little impressed. Wait a second, you speak that stuff?

Oh, Ive picked some up, the warbler would say in that offhand way of hers. I mean, really, what choice do I have? I guess Im a pretty quick study. At least Ive been told I am.