Thorne - Thats not how you wash a squirrel : [a collection of new essays and emails]

Have you finished the book yet?

No, Holly.

Hows it going?

Fine.

Can I read it yet?

No you cant read it yet. Why would I let you read it if it isnt finished?

How close to finished are you then? The deadline was two weeks ago.

Yes, I realize that. Its not easy you know, not with the dogs barking and having to go shopping and things.

Perhaps you shouldn't have spent spring and summer building a multi-level amphitheater in the backyard.

"It adds value to the house."

Im just saying. If you want me to edit it for you, thats at least another day or two.

Yes, I know all this. Telling me I should have finished two weeks ago doesnt make words magically appear on pages. Youre meant to be helping.

I am helping. How many pages do you have left to go?

About twenty. Give or take twenty. Give mostly. Plus I have to write a foreword about something.

Whats the foreword going to be about?

Who cares. Nobody reads the foreword. Im only adding one to flush out the pages. If I knew anybody famous Id ask them to write it for me. Lots of books have foreword by such and such.

You know a couple of famous people. What about the Bloggess or Matthew Inman?

Famous people, not famous on the Internet people. Besides, theyre both dreadful. All the Bloggess does these days is go on about how depressed she is and Matthew Inman is a bit of a dick.

How so?

Hes short and annoying. Plus he looks like the son from Hardcore Pawn. Will you write it for me?

The foreword? No. Im not famous.

It doesnt matter. Id rather have you write it than Matthew Inman. I read that he once sucked off a goat.

Where did you read that?

On Reddit.

Did you write it?

No.

I can tell when youre lying, you look slightly startled and you flick the tip of your tongue out like a lizard.

If you write the foreword, it will give me time to finish the rest of the book.

I dont have time to write the foreword and edit the book. Some of us work for a living.

Editing shouldnt be that hard, Ive used a spell check.

Its not the spelling thats the issue. You dont know how to correctly write possessives of plurals or understand that words that end in vowels arent pluralized with apostrophes.

So the spelling is pretty good then?

If I did agree to write the foreword, and Im not saying I will, what would I even write it about?

About how awesome I am. If I write about how awesome I am, Ill just come off as a bit of a dick. Like Matthew Inman. Theyll believe it coming from you. All you have to do is say how hilarious I am and what a pleasure it is to have me in your life. Also, something about my writing process and maybe a bit about how brave I am. Remember that time I flicked a snake off the patio furniture with a stick? Thats probably worth mentioning.

Right, well Im definitely not writing it then.

Fine, you can write whatever you want. Just dont go off on too many tangents. Thats my thing.

Convolution is a thing most people avoid. So I can write whatever I want?

Why? What are you going to write about?

About how awesome you are.

You cant write anything mean. I wont put it in if you just write mean stuff about me.

Im not going to be censored before Ive typed a single word but I wouldnt just write mean stuff about you. Do you want me to write the foreword or not?

No, not if youre just going to write shit about me.

Good. Ive got better things to do.

See, this is what I mean about not being helpful. Are you going to write it or not?

No.

Just write the fucking foreword, Holly.

Fine.

Okay. Thank you. Just dont make it too much better than my stuff. Nobody cares about purplisedpossessions or who owns all the vowels. Do you think you could have four pages to me by tonight ?