David Thorne - Ill Go Home Then, Its Warm and Has Chairs: The Unpublished Emails.

Hello. Thank you for buying this book. Or at least the e-book. I laid this out myself and I have never done an e-book layout before so I apologise in advance if it isnt very good. I probably should have put in more effort but you know how it is. With round the clock episodes of Property Virgins on HGTV and sleeping to do, there never seems enough hours in the day. Also, r ather than go to any real effort, I thought it would be easier to simply collect all the material I have written that didnt make it into the first book, either due to timing, space, legal issues, or not being very good, and put them in this one.

Hosting fees are expensive. As public interest in what I write has a limited shelflife and it is only a matter of time before people become bored of it and rediscover fun family activities like slip'n'slide and Jenga , I figured I should probably try to make as much cash as possible while I can. I assumed when Penguin picked up the first book, I would shortly be spending my days shopping for Range Rovers or relaxing on solid gold deckchairs by my swimming pool but this was not the case. There is less money in writing than there is working in the design industry and I am not clever enough to come up with a way of making money with less effort.

I saw a movie once called Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrells in which one of the guys had an idea to make money by placing an ad in specialist magazines for a super orgasm inducing vibrator for thirty dollars - cheques made payable to TSF ltd. After the money is collected, a reply is sent saying there has been a problem with deliveries and they receive a refund cheque from another company called Butt Tickler Dildos Ltd or something. Less than half the people will hand that cheque into their bank to be cashed.

I was watching the movie with my friend Mark and he said, I would put the cheque in the bank so I asked, Does that mean you would buy a super orgasm inducing vibrator from a magazine? and he replied, No, I would just drive to a shop and buy one. Or buy an electric toothbrush from the supermarket and take the bristle bit off and put a carrot on it instead. Which is kind of weird and shows he had thought about this previously.

I stopped hanging around Mark a few years later when he went on a health kick, gave up drugs, and, after discovering yoga, felt it was important to dicuss yoga at every opportunity. It didn't matter what the conversation was about , yoga was the answer . I once asked him his opinion regarding a Pantone colour swatch and although the answer wasn't yoga, I could tell he was thinking about yoga at the time.

A lot has happened since the last book was published, I have cha nged jobs, moved countries, and, while I realise it is clich when people say they married their best friend , it does occasionally happen.

I do not have the best track record in regards to previous relationships and despite readily admitting to exceeding others tolerances, up until recently my choices could be construed as anything but wise. My last girlfriend turned out to be a bar fighter, the one before that tried to shoot me with a scuba gun and the one prior to that joined an amateur acting group and expected me to attend her opening of The Importance of Being Earnest. As I felt it was appropriately important to be earnest, when she asked me what I thought of the performance I told her the truth and had to make the fifteen kilometre journey home on foot.

I met Holly while we were both attending a NASA space camp for adults. Helping her to the infirmary, after dropping an auxiliary detonation pipe on her foot, we struck up a friendship in the waiting room and spent the next few weeks partnered for EVA simulations and multi-axis training.

When I asked Holly to marry me two years later, her first reaction was Why, because I am the only person who puts up with your bullshit? but thankfully followed this with a yes.

We were in the bathroom at the time, as she was blow drying her hair after taking a bath, and I felt it was as good a romantic moment as any. Placing the engagement ring on her finger, her other hand still holding the hair-dryer, I then gave her a tight hug - sandwiching the hair-dryer between us.

Unfortunately, as she had been using the hair-dryer only seconds before, the front metal grill was almost red from heat and seared into her stomach, branding it with what looked like a target, just above her navel.

Screaming, Holly leapt backwards, tripped over the toilet behind her, and fell. Attempting to stop her descent, she grabbed the shower curtain. While the curtain fabric and hooks held, the bolts securing the rail to the wall did not and the curtain, rail, several wall tiles, Holly, and the hair-dryer she was still holding, fell into the bath.

Really, it was her fault for not emptying the bath when she got out. I have seen in movies where someone drops a toaster in the bathtub and they are electrocuted but it must be houses that dont have a flip-switch fuse system. The instant the hair-dryer touched the water, the fuses flipped and the bathroom was plunged into darkness.

Asking Are you ok? was met with a crash as the hair-dryer struck the wall near to where Holly had thought my voice had come from, and the reply, I fucking hate you.

Even a year later, the target shaped scar, which I quite like and view as a permanent reminder of the day she said yes, is constantly used against me. Last week when we were out at dinner with people from her work, I mentioned that she had eaten the last bread roll and she replied At least I didnt burn and try to electrocute you.

People love watching an argument though so Im sure everyone had a great time. Once, while I was being interviewed via phone live for some abscure American radio station called NPR, the journalist asked if Holly found me annoying or amusing. Answering that it was the latter, Holly yelled from the living room, clearly audible to the presenter and listeners, Dont fucking lie. The presenter asked me Was that Holly? to which I replied, No, it was the television and Holly yelled out again No it wasnt.

Apparently she was cross because I had just ordered an expensive watch for myself from Amazon. It wasnt the fact that I bought the watch, the one I had worn for the last fifteen years was on its last legs, it was the fact that I hadnt ordered her something of equal value. At least that is my analysis. She said it was because we were meant to be saving for a house but I have found since that if I say I ordered something on Amazon today and ordered something for you too, she doesnt get anywhere near as cross.

Before meeting Holly, I never had a problem with saving as I simply didnt bother with it. I like things. Not lots of things, just certain nice things that I can look at now and then and comment on how nice they are. There wasnt really anything I wanted that required saving for. Living by myself, I only needed a chair so I bought a Herman Miller Eames lounge. The pricetag meant I couldnt afford any other furniture, like a bed, but the foot-stool allowed me to use the chair to sleep in and provided a second seat for guests just in case anyone said I might go and visit David even though he hasnt got any furniture. Or a fridge. When I did buy a fridge, I bought a Smeg because it looked nice but I couldnt afford food after buying a Smeg so I left it unplugged it and used it to stack books in.