David Thorne - Wrap It In A Bit of Cheese Like Youre Tricking The Dog: The Fifth Collection of Essays and Emails by New York Times Best Selling Author, David Thorne.

And thats when I did four lines of coke and stabbed the hooker.

Jesus.

JM nodded, But enough about my weekend, hows the new book coming along? He opened his tin of Grizzly Long Cut chewing tobacco and shoved a wad in his mouth.

Good, I replied, a ways to go but Im hoping to meet the deadline.

Whats this one about? Thered better not be any more bullshit about me in there. I read the last one and I never said Leyland Cypress grow ten feet per year, I said maybe a foot or two if youre lucky.

That wasnt in the last book, it was in the one before with the dog on the cover. I said you kicked Amars rubber penis under a bathroom stall door at Applebees in the last book.

Ah, I havent read that one.

Nice.

Im sure its funny. Its just, you know, you do go on a bit.

Whats that supposed to mean?

I mean, theyre not really stories, its just you complaining about things. Theres no real start, middle or end like in a proper story.

Of course there is.

Not like a Jack London novel.

Thats true. Perhaps I should scrap this latest book and write about the time I raised wolves to pull my toboggan across the Alaskan wilderness.

You mean a sled, not a toboggan. Toboggans are those things kids slide down hills on. Youll need to learn the terminology if you want to write about Alaska. Whats it called?

The book? It hasnt got a title yet. Ive got a couple of names shortlisted though.

You should call it Shit I Made Up About JM Saying Things He Never Actually Said.

You did tell me Leyland Cypress grow fast.

Yes, but not ten feet a year.

Ill write a retraction in the new book if it makes you feel any better. Apologise for exaggerating; that kind of thing. Youre up.

JM stepped up to the stand and loaded his shotgun. He snapped it shut, brought the butt up to his shoulder and yelled, pull!

I pressed a button on the remote and two clays flew up and away from behind shrubbery. JM hit both and chuckled.

Nice pair, I said, because thats something we say, and marked down two Xs on the score sheet. He had two more shots, hit both again and turned around with a grin.

One-hundred percent, baby!

I handed him the remote and took the stand. I hit two of the four clays.

Hugs and kisses, JM said, marking down my score. Im not sure if thats actual clay shooting terminology but its something he says that means Xs and Os.

Fifty percent.

Yes, well, theres still a couple of stands left to catch up.

We collected our spent shells and walked along the forested path to the next stand.

So what are the book names youve shortlisted? JM asked.

Id rather not say, they wouldnt mean anything without context.

Go on, Ill give you my honest opinion. A good name for a book can make or break it.

Thats true. Alright then, keeping in mind that these are just short-listed names and not the final.

Yes.

Okay, first is, 1766 Called, Your Wooden Teeth Are Due For a Scraping.

Thats a bit of a mouthful. Whats it even mean?

I told you it wouldnt make sense without context.

With or without context its bad.

Righto. Another on the short list is, Wrap It In a Bit of Cheese Like Youre Tricking the Dog .

Wrap what?

Again, context.

Is the book about wooden teeth and wrapping things in cheese?

Some of it.

Definitely not a Jack London novel then.

Yes, weve established that.

What else have you got?

Um, Walters Magic Cargo Shorts .

Thats the best one so far but only because its a bit shorter than the others. Youre up.

I missed all the clays.

Skunked, said JM, shaking his head and handing me the scorecard. He shot seventy-five percent; blaming the one miss on me for breaking his concentration when Id ran from a bee. Im allergic so drop and roll is warranted.

JM spat out his tobacco, You know what Id call a book if I wrote one?

JMs Book of Factual Things That Actually Happened Without Any Exaggerations ?

No, Id call it, The Shit I Put Up With . Volume one of ten.

Thats not bad, perhaps I should let you name my book.

Id have to know what its about first, apart from wooden teeth and cheese.

Its shortish stories, stuff about things. I was originally going to write it just about work things and call it Cubicle Warfare: A Guide to Office Survival but Seb said, dont call it that, dont be that person. Im not sure what that means but its just as well really as I ran out of work-related things to write about by page ten. The people I work with are not the slightest bit interesting. Yesterday, Jennifer showed me fifty photos of a Peter Pan costume shed sewed for her cat.

What for?

Exactly. Thats what I said. A costume is meant to be for something. Its just sad to dress your cat up for no reason. Shes not talking to me now.

Is that going to be in the book?

No. Maybe. I might whack it in if I can find context.

So, the book is about wooden teeth, cheese, cargo shorts and Peter Pan costumes for cats?

And other stuff. Insinkerator accidents and Christmas ties, that sort of thing. Theres a bit in there about a calcified conjoined twin fetus. I thought about calling the book Harry Potter and the Calcified Conjoined Twin Fetus but theres probably some kind of copyright on the name. Plus, theres very little about Harry Potter in the book so it might be a bit misleading.