BoschPseudonymous - Bad News

When people meet a Dragon Tamer, they ask many irritating questions, but the most irritating of all is: What is it like to ride a dragonis it like riding a horse?

Usually, my answer is to stare at my questioners until they nervously excuse themselves and go away. (Word of advice: Do not try this at the palace.) But if I am feeling charitable, I may say something like this:

No, riding a dragon is nothing like riding a horse. Unless the horse is a wild horse, galloping as fast as the wind. And you are riding without saddle or reins, your seat no more comfortable than a cactus. And there is every reason to believe that you are about to fall off and plummet to an early and painful death. Then, yes, in that case, riding a horse might be a little like riding a dragon. But even then, youd have the horses mane to hold on to. Dragons do not have manes. Some have horns, true, but I dare you to hold on to a dragons horn. By which I mean never hold on to a dragons horn. They dont like it.

Here I pause, allowing my audience to imagine what a dragon might do to them if they dare touch the dragons horn. Then I continue in a mocking tone:

If not a horse, then what? you ask. A rhinoceros has a horn. Perhaps a dragon is a flying rhinoceros? Heres a test: Would you be afraid to make the comparison in front of a dragon? If the answer is yes, better to stay silent.

Now my voice turns to a growl. In other words, to heck with horses! It is an insult to dragons. A dragon is not a mindless animala dragons mind is wiser and impossibly more complex than yours.

When I get to this last bit, I narrow my eyes into my most intimidating glare, which, if I may say so, is very intimidating indeed.

You really want to know what riding a dragon is like? First of all, you dont ride a dragon; the dragon rides you. As soon as you climb onto a dragons back, you let go of the idea that you are in control. The dragon is the pilot; you are a passengerno, a barely tolerated stowaway.

A dragon is so strong that even the slightest flap of a wing will raise a wind forceful enough to throw you back to the dragons tail. When the dragon flies, your face feels as though it is being torn apart. Your hair whips behind you, or is shorn from your head altogether. Clouds blur as you pass them. Birds seem to rocket backward, so much faster are you going than they.

Exhilarating? Certainly. If you are able to hold on. Oh, did I say you had to let go when you ride a dragon? It was a metaphor, a figure of speech, you nitwit.

Here Ive been known to jab my finger into someones chest. (Note: This also is not a good thing to try at the palace.)

You cant really let go, obviously. You have to hug the dragons mighty neck, dig your nails into the dragons scaly skin, squeeze your legs into the dragons massive sides. And dont let go for a single second. Or else.

And when, as sometimes happens, the dragon makes one of its fabled leaps, then it is not only the dragon you must hold on to, but also your head. As the old ones tell us, Let not a dragon leap when youre astride, lest you lose your mind on the other side.

That much of the saying is well known, and it is true that a dragons leap is not for the faint of heart. But there is more, known only to the followers of the Occulta Draco. Of course, I do not repeat the rest to strangers, but to you, dear apprentice Dragon Tamer, I will impart the whole:

Let not a dragon leap when youre astride,

Lest you lose your mind on the other side.

Yet if you must this dizzy journey make,

Three things will keep you woozy but awake:

First, your enemys sword will point the way.

Next, the shield you made will keep ghosts at bay.

Last, if youd not return your brain half-dead,

Please, a helmet from home put on your head.