McNeal - 1,001 Facts That Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader

Written by
Cary Mcneal

Copyright 2010 by Cary McNeal
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-624-9
ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-624-1
eISBN: 978-1-44050-693-2

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Certain sections of this book deal with activities and devices that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out or constructed. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. This information is for entertainment purposes only. We recommend that you contact your local law enforcement officials before undertaking any project based upon any information obtained from this book. We are not responsible for, nor do we assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information in this book.

Interior illustrations:
Line art Clipart.com
Silhouettes Neubau Welt

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Contents

Chapter 1 Are You Gonna Eat That?
The Ugly Truth about Food and Drink

Chapter 2 Every Little Thing We Do Is Tragic
Human (Mis)Behaviors

Chapter 3 Totally Gross Anatomy
The Human Body Exposed

Chapter 4 Was It Bad for You, Too?
Everything You Never Wanted to Know about Sex and Love

Chapter 5 Will You Survive the 9-to-5?
More Reasons to Hate Your Job, Your Boss, and Your Idiot Coworkers

Chapter 6 We Be Illin
The Sickening Truth about Your Health

Chapter 7 And in My Spare Time, I Enjoy Dying
Bad News about the Things You Do for Funor Used To

Chapter 8 Let Me Hear Your Potty Talk
The Straight Poop on Going to the Bathroom

Chapter 9 The Price of Vice
Fifty More Reasons Not to Smoke, Drink, or Do Drugs

Chapter 10 You Have the Right to Remain Shocked
Things You Shouldnt Know about Crime and Punishment

Chapter 11 When It Rains, It Pours
A S#*tstorm of Scary Facts about the Weather

Chapter 12 You Animals!
Beastly Tales of Creatures That Outnumber Us

Chapter 13 The Fruited Plain
Frightening Facts about America and Americans

Chapter 14 Open Wide and Say, Oh S#*t!
Bad Medicine. Really, Really, Really Bad

Chapter 15 They Did What?!
Not-So-Proud Moments in World History

Chapter 16 Buggin Out
Insect Facts That Will Give You the Creepy-Crawlies

Chapter 17 Foreign Objects
Strange Facts about Faraway Places Where People Talk Funny

Chapter 18 Do You Believe?
Facts and Claims about Aliens, Ghosts, the Olsen Twins, and Other
Realms of the Unexplained

Chapter 19 Were Toast
Bad News about Our World and Why Were All Headed the
Way of the Dodo

Chapter 20 What the?!
The Worst of the Worst and the Weirdest of the Weird

Acknowledgments

Writing any book is a massive undertaking, and no author does it alone, even though you certainly feel alone when its 4:30 on a beautiful sunny spring afternoon and youre stuck inside banging your head against the desk as you try to come up with something funny to say about people being beheaded or bugs that eat human flesh while all your friends and family are outside somewhere having fun without you, usually accompanied by alcohol.

Still, a lot of people made this book happen, and I need to thank them. Especially if I want to get hired again. Those people are:

Holly Schmidt and Allan Penn at Hollan Publishing, for giving me the opportunity to write this book, for believing in me, for coddling me and listening to me whine and bitch about how hard it was and convincing me it would be worth the effort in the end. It was.

Matt Glazer and Paula Munier at Adams Media, for their guidance and patience, and for giving a first-time author a chance.

Kirsten Amman, my researcher, whose task was monumental; yet she did it with vigor and efficiency and glee. For that I could kiss her, but I dont want her boyfriend to beat my ass, so shell have settle for a heartfelt thank you.

Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency, for her generous and invaluable advice, and Elaine English, my attorney, for reading all the long, wordy documents and knowing exactly which parts were most important.

My friends Don and Danna Calder, for legal assistance, medical supervision, patience, and encouragement, and for entertaining my family while I was holed up writing.

Beverly Linzer Jenkins and Adrianne Gershberg, the funniest chicks I know, for their comic genius and inspiration, and all my friends from List of the Day.

Amy Miller and Tom Jacobsen for their unconditional friendship and for waiting months for me to answer their e-mails and return their phone calls.

Amy Winter, my professional role model and friend, and the entire crew at Wolff Bros Post.

My parents, Perry and Jean McNeal, and the rest of my family for their interest in, and support of, my writing.

My wife Paige and daughter Keaton for loving me no matter what.

Introduction

The world is a
frightening place.

But you already knew that; you read it in the paper, hear about it from friends, see it with your own eyes every time you turn on the TV to watch bad singers or dancers subject themselves to abuse from judges with no more talent than the contestants, or see a web video of a teenager shooting a bottle rocket from his ass for amusement, or get plowed from behind in your car by another driver who was texting LMAO to his friends instead of noticing that the light had turned red and you had stopped.

If random violence doesnt get you, cancer will. If cancer doesnt, global warming will. If global warming doesnt, bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Or tsunamis. Or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normal everyday activities like drinking water, eating an orange, breathing the air, or having sex with a goat.

Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You should be scared to death, right?

Wrong.

Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts, and the more you read, the more afraid you are likely to be. I wouldnt be doing my job if you werent. But if forewarned is forearmed, then the more you know, the safer youll feel, even if its a false sense of security since you cant do a thing about most of what you read here. But who cares, as long as you feel better?