Mittelmark Howard - Read this next: 500 of the best books youll ever read

Congratulations! You are about to begin a journeya journey into a world of imagination and adventure. Here you will find delicious snacks and witty conversation. There will be laughter; there will be tears. There will be a coffee stain on the carpet to gaze at with affection in years to come. Maybe, in time, a baby will be born. Take precautions if this is not the desired result.

A book group can immeasurably enrich your life, althoughwe will be honest with youthere are no guarantees. Say, 50 percent it will, 45 percent it wont, 5 percent Ralph Nader. Note that this 50 percent is still better odds than you get with higher education, marriage, or being born. But you are not just a helpless pawn. Here are some steps you can take to maximize the chances that your book group will be the warm beating heart of your weary month, providing you with intellectual stimulation, emotional support, and chocolate cupcakes.

If you want to build your book group upon a secure foundation, base your preparations on the Chinese art of fng shui. In the fourth-century classic of Confucian thought, Fng Shui for Book Groups, Bao Wao describes the propitious book group hosting chamber:

To the five quartersearth, water, fire, metal, and snacksplace five chairs. Chairs must face away from each other. Mustaches must be accompanied. Conduction of lucky energy to proceed from money plant in dining nook to pencil sharpener in the shape of naked lady held in mouth of family dog. Dogs name: Mr. Tricks.

1. Be inclusive.

It is a fact of sociology that if you invite ten people to your house and give them an experience of pleasure such as they have never known, a pleasure that curls their hair, resolves their midlife crisis instantly, and rotates their tiresof those ten, only eight will return the following week. And thats if it doesnt rain.

Therefore, when you are first getting started, cast your net wide. This is a golden opportunity to turn appealing acquaintances into real new friends! Also, it serves as a test. If the acquaintance says no, you will know she doesnt like you.

People you might like to date are also ideal invitees. Take care, in this case, to exclude any cute friends who might poach your sweetheart. Cute friends are unscrupulous. Also, they are cute, which is grossly unjust in a case where you are not. In fact, we advise you to totally ditch these friends who think theyre so damned cute. They are really no better than the stuck-up acquaintance who turned out not to like you.

2. Be exclusive.

This is the most important rule of all, except for being inclusive. Ha ha! Arent we the paradoxical ones?

Lets be clear. We believe in welcoming others with open arms, as long as they arent cuter than us. But sometimes there is a friend who is very dear to you for reasons that your other friends find opaque. In fact, your other friends find her trying, overbearing, smelly, weird, passive-aggressive, and stupid. You may even privately agree on these points, but still stand by her, due to some youthful experience that makes you forever softhearted about this slimy freak.

Now is the time to draw a line.

If your other friends find Debbie trying, Debbie shouldnt be in your group. Ask yourself: Can Debbie shut up? Can Debbie take a hint? Is Debbie unstoppably driven to discuss her bathroom habits, ex-husband, or the benefits of Bach flower remedies? Does Debbie know that aliens are among us from her personal experience? Could Debbie be uncharitably described as a loon? Is she two sandwiches short of a picnic? Any spots missing from her dice? Is she riding with the windows down?

We have one word for this Debbie: no. Can I be in your book group?