Outstanding for Patrick Moore and TWEAKED
This cautionary tale makes you both want and fear crystal meth, as Patrick Moore tells of the ecstatic erotic liberation the drug can bring, and then of the agonizing paranoia, anxiety, loneliness, and self-destructiveness that accompany addiction. But this is also a celebration of recovery, the narrative of one life in which horror didnt claim the ultimate triumph. Elegantly constructed, with a complex narrative structure that drives the reader forward, Tweaked is elegiac, searingly honest, and impossible to put down.
Andrew Solomon
Written with all the honesty and clarity a writer could hope for.
The Seattle Times
Observant, funny, and harrowing, Tweaked is an eye-opening, fasten-your-seat belts ride in and out of the depths of meth madness.
Michael Musto, author of Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back
Tweaked is a page-turning, harrowing and ultimately upliftingmemoir. Few have been able to speak with such lucidly about thecrystal meth addiction that has gripped so many gay men. PatrickMoore writes in a remarkably open and at times highly entertainingmanner, laughing out loud at the sheer preposterousness of the worldthat had engulfed him, even as he vividly takes us on a trip throughhis personal house of horrors and, eventually, to his escape. He does anenormous service by offering the story of his successful battle againstTina as a road map for others to follow.
Michelangelo Signorile, author of Its Not Over
Its literary quality is apparent.
The Advocate
What a surprise to find so much heart and humor present inPatrick Moores crystal meth memoir.
Edge Boston
Tweaked
A Crystal Meth Memoir
PATRICK MOORE
CITADEL PRESS
Kensington Publishing Corp.
www.kensingtonbooks.com
The names and identifying characteristics of some of the people portrayedin this book, particularly those in Twelve-Step programs, have been changedto protect their anonymity. In some cases, locations and dates have also beenchanged to protect their privacy.
CITADEL PRESS BOOKS are published by
Kensington Publishing Corp.
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY 10022
Copyright 2006 by Patrick Moore
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
All Kensington titles, imprints, and distributed lines are available at specialquantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fundraising,educational, or institutional use. Special book excerpts or customizedprintings can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write or phonethe office of the Kensington special sales manager: Kensington PublishingCorp., 119 West 40th Street, New York, NY 10018, attn: Special Sales Depart -ment; phone 1-800-221-2647.
CITADEL PRESS and the Citadel logo are Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.
ISBN: 978-0-7582-8182-1
ISBN-10: 0-8065-3834-1
First Kensington printing: June 2006
First Citadel printing (sixth printing): May 2017
14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6
Printed in the United States of America
CIP data is available.
First Citadel electronic edition: May 2017
ISBN-13: 978-0-8065-3836-5
ISBN-10: 0-8065-3836-8
For Zelma
Acknowledgments
With thanks to Michael Bourret, Damian Jack, Ginny Lubbin, Sarah Schulman, John Scognamiglio, Kathy Watt, John Wise and, most especially, Joaquin Navarro, for their support and guidance.
Chapter 1
ZELMA
We can always gauge Tonys sobriety by his eyebrows. If hes been sober for a while, his eyebrows look a bit strange, too thin, and the skin surrounding them cracked, but they could pass for normal. If hes using crystal meth, the brows thin day by day, extracted as part of an obsessive project. Hes unable to say just why he takes off his eyebrows but explanation is, frankly, unnecessary. We understand.
Today Tony is wild-eyed and his forehead is plucked as clean as a chickens ass. Just two scabby rectangles remain perched above his eyes. He looks permanently startled and his face, fleshy to start with, is masklike, unmoored. He doesnt own up to the fact that hes been using, but his face says it all.
Obsessive plucking used to be Tonys exclusive province. As a drag queen once drawled when she saw Tony for the first time, Well, honey, ya gotta have a gimmick. Now, however, Angie has joined the group and, disconcertingly, become Tonys best friend.The two of them look like off-duty clowns. Somethings just not right.
Angies thing is eyelashes. Less visually disturbing but, if you think about it, enough to give you nightmares, Angie has removed her eyelashes. One by one, she has tweezed them out because she believed that they were antennas broadcasting her location to the D.E.A. Even after she removes the lashes, they still have the ability to transmit information so each hair must be examined carefully, rinsed in rubbing alcohol to eliminate any physical remains linking them to Angies body, and then burned. On her first day sober, Angie related this process to the group, as a kind of public service, sure that many of us also suffered from the same surveillance concerns.
Angie goes exclusively to gay Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings because she says she feels safe here. You queens get me, she says, tears in her lashless eyes, whenever she shares. Were all just tweakers here.
The world of crystal is filled with strange words and we addicts simply use them without question. I dont know why crystal is called tweak and I dont care. The sound of tweak, like a stretched rubber band being snapped, just makes sense. Crystal has many names. Tina is a twisted contraction of the scientific name amphetamine. Then there are more colorful monikers such as Bikers Coffee, Chicken Feed, Crank, Glass, Go-Fast, Ice, Stove Top, Trash, and Yellow Barn. To me, it was simply The End. Crystal completed, with amazing efficiency, a trajectory that had begun with alcohol, moved through psychedelics, and escalated into a whirlwind of pills and cocaine.
Angie used to be a cooker so we hold her in high regard even as we resent the fact that she made and sold the poison we lived for. In her little trailer outside Desert Hot Springs, Angie had performed the filthy alchemy that produces crystal from a twisted recipe: Sudafed pills, the iodine used to treat diseased horse hooves, and red phosphorus derived from the strike pads of thousands of matchbooks.These rare ingredients were transformed into a toxic brew with the catalytic agents of Colemans gas, muriatic acid, acetone, Methanol, and Red Devil lye. Because each step of the process is combustible and Angie loves to smoke, it occurs to me that Angie may not have plucked out her eyelashes but burned them off when she blew up her trailer.
Whatever else they might be,Tony and Angie are tweakers. Today they sit wide-eyed in their plastic chairs facing the rest of the group. Angie doesnt look at Tony but absent-mindedly reaches for his hand, which he offers without resistance, their sweaty fingers intertwining in unity and comfort. Tonys leg has been jumping up and down relentlessly but it stills at Angies touch.
