Proops - The smartest book in the world: a lexicon of literacy, a rancorous reportage, a concise curriculum of cool

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TOUCHSTONE

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Copyright 2015 by Gregory Proops

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Touchstone hardcover edition May 2015

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Jacket design by Pete Garceau

Jacket photograph by Andrew Stapp

Sunglasses design by Jennifer Canaga

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Proops, Greg.

The smartest book in the world : a lexicon of literacy, a rancorous reportage, a concise curriculum of cool / Greg Proops ; illustrations by Jennifer Canaga.First Touchstone hardcover edition.

pages cm

1. American wit and humor. I. Title.

PN6165.P76 2015

818'.602dc23

2014038428

ISBN 978-1-4767-4704-0

ISBN 978-1-4767-4706-4 (ebook)

For Jennifer

Hurray, hurrah, you made it to The Smartest Book in the World. You are now officially more inquisitive than all your bored friends. In your hands you hold a clamorous compendium, a rancorous reportage, a lexicon of literacy. This is the burning bush, the Rosetta stone, the Fountain of Youth, the Grail to all the funnest knowledge and most freaktastical answers to the questions youve never asked, like: Which Roman emperor would be the best first baseman? and Does vodka go with vodka? You know, the vitals.

Lots of comedians write first-person memoirs of their hilarious experiences in show business. This is not a bad thing. We like to see comedians get work. Sometimes they tell stories about their dog or people they shagged. This book is not one of those. I dont have a dog. The people I know dont have dog stories, either. Not even shaggy ones. To be sure, the experiences are there, but this round its better to mine the vast worlds outside ones career and troll for laughs and the occasional fact.

What makes you so smart? I hear you ask. Stop sniveling. It does not happen overnight. One must spend years traveling, studying, and performing to rapt, attentive, worshipful crowds. Since that was practically impossible, I self-anointed and did a Proopcast. The knowledge collected is for us to share. You will be excited, then ashamed, then inflamed, then engaged.

Thank you for buying this. If you stole it, well done, you. You are going to make your way in this world. If you borrowed it, return it full. Let us take to the ether.

The past is never dead. Its not even past.

William Faulkner

Yet is it more honorable, and just, and upright, and pleasing, to treasure in the memory good acts than bad.

Xenophon, Anabasis

I am aware that just saying ancient history makes you fidget in your seat and look at the clock. I feel you. But these arent just dinky people wearing togas and writing out love notes on papyrus. We are talking about the most violent, sexually aberrant, mentally unstable people in the history of our blue planet. And those were just the leaders. Every form of vice and villainy was practiced: gluttony, lust, genocide, patricide, infanticide, regicide, usury, perversion, treachery, and always lots of awesome slavery. Their fighting and boinking would make a Led Zeppelin after party look like playschool. We are going to throw down on the ancient groove monkeys of the past who changed the funk for all times.

Just sneak a peek at Nero, the Roman emperor and famous maniac, who prowled the streets at night mugging people and molesting Women with his pals. The louche emperor even took up acting and had a group of guys applaud for him at festivals. He also married two men and had one castrated so he could be his wife. And for his final act of depravity, he stomped his pregnant wife to death. Then we have the emperor Tiberius, who left his job and moved to the Isle of Capri just to perv it up. He had a pool full of boys who would swim up to him and nibble at his imperial giblets; they were called minnows. Feeling queasy? Try this fine lady, Julia the daughter of Emperor Augustus, who used to take on all comers late at night right in the Forum. You get the mosaic. For the hat trick, we have Cleopatra, who had a pleasure barge with purple sails and perfumed dancing girls, so put down your smartphone and reconsider the past.

While bringing debauchery to new heights in the three centuries from Alexander the Great to Cleopatra, the world also perfected medicine, theater, wine, philosophy, logic, Christianity, democracy, the written word, the zero, astronomy, bronze, the Olympics, falafel, gladiator sandals, and, perhaps most importantly, the sports stadium with vendors, beer, bleachers, sun roofs, and a luxury box. The Colosseum in Rome had a retractable sunroof made of sails that was manned by a local unit of sailors. The tickets to amphitheaters were perforated and stamped so one could tell which section to sit in and attendance could be accurately counted. Alexander brought engineers who measured the distance they traveled in conquering the world. The steam engine and the computer were invented but discarded because slave labor made them redundant. Yet we destroy the sites of their glory willy-nilly and pay no heed to their warnings and wisdom. We of this age have bombed and made war on ancient Babylon, Parthia, Mesopotamia, and the timeless city of Damascus. The very places where civilization was invented and the Bible took place. The ancients advised love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods. Tough lesson, that one.

Im not here to sound like the Antiques Historical Roadshow. The old days were rarely the good old days; they were damn fine for a few people with eunuchs, a personal army, and a villa. For most others, they were lucky not to end up being a chariot speed bump. It was a good day if you could avoid bristling arrows, marauding armies, raging phalanxes, or boiling oil. To make no mention of the epidemics, floods, and occasional rains of frogs for a change of plague.