Melissa Kirsch - The Girls Guide to Absolutely Everything: Advice on Absolutely Everything

BY MELISSA KIRSCH

WORKMAN PUBLISHING NEW YORK

Copyright 2006 by Melissa Kirsch

Illustrations copyright 2006 by Juliette Borda

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproducedmechanically, electronically or by any other means, including photocopyingwithout written permission of the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada by Thomas Allen & Son Limited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication is available.

eISBN: 9780761148395
Cover design by Sarah Smith
Front cover illustration by Juliette Borda

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for Emma Pearl Wilkinson

I am hopelessly devoted to the women who took time to answer all my nosy questions over the past four years, who let me ask them things like What do you like about your body? and Tell me about your relationship with your mom without flinching or running away screaming. These fantastically smart, funny, open, generous women have given me unprecedented access to their anecdotes and wisdom.

Anna Allen
Lisa Hickey Baile
Annie Baker
Erin Barrett
Laila Bernstein
Rebecca Braverman
Sarah Burningham
Emma Carlson
Tracy Charlton
Allison Corn
Mary E. Ferguson
Page Edmunds
Helene Fisher
Myndie Friedman
Tracy Stein Hinson
Kelly Horrigan
Liz Jones
Claire Judkins
Hee Jin Kang
Franny Key
Shira Kline
Claire Lecomte du Nouy
Kate Lundell
Christine Marr
Rose Martelli
Shannon McGarity
Erika Meitner
Jasmine Mir
Libby Morgan
Vanessa ODriscoll
Parisa Parnian
Kristin Pizzo
Diana Ponder-Lotzer
Isabella Robertson
Basya Schechter
Sherene Schostak
Wendy Shanker
Allyson Shaw
Kristina St. Pierre
Margie Stokley
Heather Sullivan
Janice Taylor
Melissa Thomas
Joanna Tracy
Julie Ulrich
Jean Villepique
Amanda Waller
Cynthia Weinstein
Suzanne Weller
Eden Werring
Colleen Werthmann
Jessica Sobolik Willey

As she well knows, I am pretty much never at a loss for words, but when I try to express my gratitude for my editor, Ruth Sullivan, I get the dreaded aphasiashes that awe-inspiring. Ruth has been a sublime and unstinting editor, a wise and caring adviser, dear friend and, most valuably, a mentor. She is brave and brilliant, and has encouraged me and the book to be both.

Ive been fortunate to have worked with the patient, kind, talented visionary Janet Parker, who has turned a giant Word document into a thing of beauty.

In Katie Workman Ive found a kindred spirit. Not only is she clever, funny and supportive, but shes one of the very few people I know who instinctively practices most of the things in this book.

Im deeply grateful for the incomparable expertise and dedication of my agent, Ellen Levine.

Beth Hatem has been a bright and inspiring presence and a good friend.

Thank you, Carol White, Catherine Boyd and Barbara Peragine, for being admirably perceptive and word-ly wise.

Never, ever without: Leigh Anderson, Suzie Bolotin, Lynn Borowitz, Julieta Benavides, Barrett Brountas, Jonathan Cox, Ruth Cox, Cusi Cram, Melissa Flashman, Christopher Hacker, Peter Hirsch, Melanie Hoopes, Avi Kline, Peter Orner, Justin Reed, Jen Slattery, Stefanie Iris Weiss, Erika Wicks, Susan Wilkinson, Kate Wong and Peter Workman.

Inestimably better because of: Brian Belfiglio, Juliette Borda, Sandra Chiu, Alana Devich, Risa Giordano, Katherine Keil, Channing Kelly, Lynn Kirsch, Michael Kirsch, Ellen Korbonski, Joan Kuehl, Ron Longe, Jenny Mandel, Jeffrey Morrison, Megan Nicolay, Justin Nisbet, Kristina Peterson, Robert Preskill, Rosie Schaap, Elisabeth Scharlatt, Rebecca Schiff, David Schiller, Colleen Schwartz, Lorelei Sharkey, Harriet Shedroff, Herb Shedroff, Emma Jane Taylor, Ralph Titus and Tim Wilkinson.

An Informal Meet-and-Greet, A Little History and
What You Can Expect from Here on Out

Heres a conversation I have pretty much every day

Guy: What do you do?

Me: Im writing a book for women in their 20s.

Guy (suddenly very interested): Oooh, is it about sex?

Me: Um, no. I mean, yeah, sure, its about sex. But its also about a trillion other things like

Guy: So what can you tell me?

Me: About what?

Guy: You know, about women in their 20s, what do I need to know? I like women in their 20s.

Me: Im not writing a dating manual.

Guy: Then what else is there to write about?

Well, actually quite a bit.

Theres this asinine rumor going around that the majority of our time is spent teetering about in stilettos, trying not to spill our very pink cocktails on our very tight frocks, lest we embarrass ourselves adorably in front of the smoldering hunk smiling at us over on the banquette.

You and I both know theres little truth in that tableau outside of a romantic comedy. But for all the complexity of our lives, insulting stereotypes persist. There seems to be no end to knowing aunts, cheeky advice columnists and plucky sitcom heroines peddling conflicting messages about how you can survive and thrive during your quarterlife odyssey. But somewhere between the overplayed you go girl! cheering and the outdated find a man and settle down guidance, the important questions arent being answered. How do you say no without feeling guilty? Where can you find a bra that fits? Why do some of your girlfriends turn into paper dolls when theyre around guys? Should you take Dry Clean Only tags seriously? What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Girl, meet World. World, play nicely. Oh, if only it were that simple!

In 2002, I was 27, working as an editor for a womens media company. Every week, books for review would arrive on my desk, each marketed squarely at me. These glittering tomes had witty titles and flashy covers that promised to explain how to snare a man, how to order a cocktail, how to land that corner office before I turned 30. Most of these guides to life bored me to pink-bubble-letter distractionthey proffered little more than retrograde flirting tactics and shopworn clichs. I wearied of saying I could do this so much better and decided it was time I did.

My first order of business was to contact all the wise, brilliant, hilarious women I knew in their late 20s, 30s and 40s and ask them: What do you know now that you wish youd known right after college and in your 20s that would have made your life a lot less difficult, spared you heartache, generally made the transition to life on your own a heck of a lot easier? What do you still not know that you wish someone would tell you?

The results of my poll were staggering. All the responses were enthusiastic, passionate, soul-searching. Certain subjects came up repeatedlyit seems not one of the women had been given solid advice about how to avoid debt or how to unleash herself from the yoke of her college major. The women described still not knowing how to apologize with grace, what to spend on wedding presents, how to explain their job and dating choices to their parents or how to find a good gynecologist. All the women expressed a desire for a cheat sheet, a volume of intelligence that would have helped them avoid a lot of the mishaps they encountered in their 20s. The urgent need for meaningful, compelling advice for young women was cast in bold relief. I had my work cut out for me.