Post - How Do You Work This Life Thing?: Advice for the Newly Independent on Roommates, Jobs, Sex, and Everything That Counts

ADVICE FOR THE NEWLY INDEPENDENT ON ROOMMATES, JOBS, SEX, & EVERYTHING THAT COUNTS

For years you have been my idol, from your artwork to knowing everything about hockey to digging clams with your toes. When you asked me to write this book, I felt how much you believe in me. It was always there before, but throughout the three years Ive been working on this project I have seen and felt how supportive and proud you are of menot just with my writing, but with my life. This book is for you, for always giving me opportunity and love. I love you, Dad.

L IVING ON YOUR OWN is all about being free, right? Free from living at home with parental figures, free from dealing with siblings and daily chores, free to make your own hours and do your own thing. Youre completely liberated, answerable to no oneuntil you start running into comments like these:

My roommate leaves her clothes all over the place!

I loaned my friend fifty bucks, and I dont know when hell pay me back.

Its two in the morning, and the next-door neighbors are still partying on their porch!

Thats the third night in a row that Toms friend has crashed on our couch. Someone needs to say something.

When youre living in your own place, whether its a dorm room, an apartment, or a shared house, its tempting to think that anything goes. But the truth of the matter is this: Now that youre living on your own, what you do and how you interact with other people matters more than ever . Because now youre building your own world, your own relationships, and your own futureand your success depends completely on how you choose to handle both yourself and the other people in your life.

Thats where this book comes in. In all areas of life, the newly independent faces big challenges. And frankly, we arent going to get it right all the time. But even in todays casual, comfortable worldwhere whats mine is yours, replacement of ruined things is rare, and the drunken excuse is all too commonthere is still a time-tested tool we can use to guide us:

Etiquette.

Yes, I said etiquette . No, not the way you think of it: rules, manners, old farts pontificating on stuffy, out-of-date customs. Im talking about real etiquettethe attitudes and actions that can actually mean the difference between success and failure for you in your relationships with your friends, significant others, professors, employers, and, yes, even your parents. Its the etiquette that my great-great-grandmother Emily Post truly believed in.

Emily said: Whenever two people come together and interact, you have etiquette. Thats it: no rules, no fuss over place settingsjust awareness of how you and your actions affect those around you. Used the right way, etiquette can turn every encounter you have with another personyour roommate, your landlord, your boyfriend or girlfriend, the store owner down the streetinto a positive experience.

Best of all, learning how to use etiquette the right way is incredibly easy. All you need to do is remember that virtually every aspect of etiquette, from navigating a fancy dinner party to dividing up the household chores with your roommates, is grounded in three basic principles: consideration, respect, and honesty .

Consideration arises whenever we make a sincere effort to think about how a certain situation affects everyone involved. As we work to solve problems with roommates, friends, or coworkers, etiquette teaches us to consider the different points of view and varying perspectives of others as we try to figure out the best solution for everyone concerned. Consideration involves tact, diplomacy, and the ability to put yourself in someone elses placein other words, empathyto help you maneuver through lifes sometimes thorny passages.

After youve exercised consideration, the principle of respect comes into play. Every action you make affects others positively or negatively. When you choose to act on a positive solution, youve chosen to act with respect. Acting with respect signals that youve decided to accept those around you exactly as they are. You dont have to like them, but you can still choose to respect them just as they are.

Finally, honesty is essential for good communication, which is the basis of all interactions. Without it, you can never be sure of what you are told. This principle isnt just about honesty with others; its also about being honest with ourselvesthe kind of honesty that allows us to recognize our own imperfections. Honesty with yourself kicks in with a feeling of relief and contentment (that feeling of doing the right thing) when youve made a good choice, or guilt when youve chosen a wrong or disrespectful action.

Once youve mastered these three essential principles of etiquette, youll have the tools to deal with virtually any situation in any setting. Thats because etiquette is not about rigid rules or achieving an upper-crust social rank. Etiquette is a philosophy of how to handle your interactions with everyone you come across in lifeboss, roommate, friend, or stranger.

How Do You Work This Life Thing? will show you how to put this philosophy into action. In the course of researching this book, the Emily Post Institute interviewed newly independents from many different backgrounds, asking them about difficulties theyve encountered living on their own. This book reflects the real issues these and other newly independents face in the three major areas of daily life: when youre at home; when youre out in the world; and when youre at work or (if youre a student) in class. As you read these sections, youll discover how to apply the basic tenets of etiquette in order to make every aspect of your life smoother and more fulfilling. And isnt that what living on your own is all about?

Y OU MADE IT! Youre finally living on your ownin your own space, pursuing your own lifestyle. Of course, being independent also means that you now have to deal with roommates, a landlord, friends, colleagues, professors, and other assorted acquaintances as you juggle job, home, and social life. And that means mastering the three Cs of living with others: communication, compromise, and commitment. If you already understand these three key concepts completely, just put this book down and walk away.

Still here?

Thats what I thought.

As the Introduction pointed out, consideration, respect, and honesty are the three core principles of good etiquette. The three Cs let you put these principles into action. Theyre especially important when it comes to the people you share your home with. Being able to communicate and compromise on issues related to your living space is absolutely essential. As important as these household issues are, however, many people find it hard to talk about them. I hear it all the time from friends with roommates, and from my own mouth as well: I just dont know how to raise the subject; Can I really ask him that?; I dont want to seem like a nag

In general, roommates are scared to death of honest communicationyet its one of the fundamental secrets of living with other people. Of course, communication eventually does happen. But after a week of pent-up anger, the words are rarely happy ones.

COMMUNICATING YOUR WAY TO PEACE

What good does it do to set household rules? Half the time my roommates just ignore them. Their attitude is basically, So, sue me. I dont know how to communicate with them so that they take it seriously. HELP!