Spradlin - It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies

Think how much easier a time wives today would have getting their husbands to take them to the opera if Wagner had only included a few Zombies in his work. Or even a Zombie or two in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. (Wait. Im not sure even Zombies would improve an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical). Even Charles Dickens seems to be overworked with ghosts and short of Zombies. Poor, rotting Tiny Tim having a nosh on Scrooges brain at the end of A Christmas Carol would surely warm the spirit as much as any Christmas goose.

I mean, he had four ghosts in the storycouldnt he have substituted at least one Zombie for a ghost? Come on, Chuck. Splain, please. Why is there no Zombie of Christmas Future? And while were on the subject of Christmas and ghosts and other undead things, I firmly believe it was only a matter of time until someone conceived a book of Zombie Christmas carols. And Michael Spradlin is the ideal guy to do it. And I can tell you why. (He was totally violating the restraining order, but well let that slide for now.) He got up in my grille and was all, You know, you ought to write a funny Christmas book. (He was totally violating the restraining order, but well let that slide for now.) He got up in my grille and was all, You know, you ought to write a funny Christmas book.

And Im all, What kind of funny Christmas book? And hes all, I dont know, how about maybe Christmas in Pine Cove or something? (For the uninitiated, Pine Cove is the fictional California town where many of my novels are set.) So Im all back at him, kay. So I sat down to write my own version of the cheery holiday tale (mainly because I really dont like to write when Im standing up). But I wanted my holiday novel to be different. I didnt want your traditional Christmas story of happiness and peace on earth and goodwill toward men. (Not that theres anything wrong with that.) But I pondered: How could I make my mine stand out? Then I remembered! What is it that makes every literary pursuit better? Zombies, of course! (See above.) Thus was born my novel The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror (available wherever books are sold, Im just sayin). Really, Im not lying.

All because Michael Spradlin got in my grille about shaking up the world of Christmas literature, The Stupidest Angel , the cheesy goldfish cracker of holiday novels, was born. I was to later learn that this same Michael Spradlin, who is himself descended from a long line of the undead (think about it), had a deeper affinity for Zombies than I had even imagined. And now he has brought forth the worlds first Zombie Christmas carol songbook. Like collections of greatest hits you see on late-night television commercials, all the new soon-to-be classic Zombie holiday songs are here for you: I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus Zombie, the Snowman We Three Spleens Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally and many more. So as you and your family enjoy these holiday-spiced tidbits of animated carrion, imagine that you are not gathered around the table waiting for the credit-card bills to descend like the war hammer of a vengeful Santa. Instead, you are all together, barricaded inside your house, stockpiling your supply of canned goods and preparing to fend off hordes of rotting carolers outside.

And if one of you should be bitten, well, the more the merrier Bring a hatchet for little Nell. Or a nice pump shotgun will do her well. Happy Holidays!
Christopher Moore

The Spanish Influenza of 1918all walks in the park compared to what awaits us. Im talking of course about the Zombie virus. Right now, scientists are working on the undead around the clock in secret government laboratories to come up with a vaccine for the dreaded bug. Personally, I dont like their chances. And I should also mention that many of these secret government laboratories are located right in your own communities. (After all, Zombie scientists still need to send their children to good schools.) This is only going to cause the virus to spread faster when it breaks.

And it will break. Their efforts are futile. There is no escaping the Zombie virus. So when the world falls down around us, when were forced to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with machetes duct-taped to our hands, let us not forget our most sacred holiday traditions. Just remember that, in the Zombie age, our holidays will be different. Canned goods will become like currency, so dont look for any cranberry sauce on your Christmas table.

In the post-Zombie apocalypse, a can of cranberry sauce will bring you at least two shotgun shells from the survivors in the compound across the river. And you can forget about the traditional lighting of the Yule Log. Use it instead to smash a Zombies head in. There wont be any time for ceremonies when there are Zombies scratching at your door. You wont be hanging stockings, youll be wearing them for warmth. Yes, even those tacky ones you get at the mall with your name embroidered on them.

But one tradition that doesnt need to change is the Christmas carol. It only needs to be altered slightly. And thats why youve picked up this bookjust to hedge your bets. Because when you are turned (and you will be turned), you wont want to be shunned by all the other Zombies as they gather around a steaming pile of brains. Youll want to know the words to all the Zombie Christmas carols so you can sing along with your new peeps. (Or better yet, two or three, since youll want everyone in your future Zombie family to be prepared.) Good luck. (Or better yet, two or three, since youll want everyone in your future Zombie family to be prepared.) Good luck.

Happy Holidays. And heres hoping you wont get bitten. Even though you probably will. And heres one last bit of advice: When the virus breaks out and everything around you is going south, just look at the Christmas fruitcake in a new light. No one ever eats them and now you wont need to re-gift them anymore.