Also by Ocean Vuong
On Earth Were Briefly GorgeousNight Sky with Exit Wounds PENGUIN PRESS An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC penguinrandomhouse.com Copyright 2022 by Ocean Vuong Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader. library of congress cataloging-in-publication data Names: Vuong, Ocean, 1988 author. Title: Time is a mother / Ocean Vuong.
Description: New York : Penguin Press, 2022. Identifiers: LCCN 2021031789 (print) | LCCN 2021031790 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593300237 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593300244 (ebook) Subjects: LCGFT: Poetry. Classification: LCC PS3622.U96 T56 2022 (print) | LCC PS3622.U96 (ebook) | DDC 811/.6dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021031789 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021031790 Cover design by Darren Haggar Cover photograph by Roman Spataro Book Design by Lucia Bernard, adapted for ebook by Shayan Saalabi pid_prh_6.0_139653426_c0_r0 for Peter & for my mother, L Kim Hng, called forward Forgive me, Lord: Ive died so little! Csar Vallejo
Contents
The Bull He stood alone in the backyard, so dark the night purpled around him. I had no choice. I opened the door & stepped out. Wind in the branches.
He watched me with kerosene -blue eyes. What do you want? I asked, forgetting I had no language. He kept breathing, to stay alive. I was a boy which meant I was a murderer of my childhood. & like all murderers, my god was stillness. My god, he was still there.
Like something prayed for by a man with no mouth. The green-blue lamp swirled in its socket. I didnt want him. I didnt want him to be beautifulbut needing beauty to be more than hurt gentle enough to hold, I reached for him. I reachednot the bull but the depths. Like me.
I
Snow Theory This is the best day ever I havent killed a thing since 2006 The darkness out there, wet as a newborn I dog-eared the book & immediately Thought of masturbation How else do we return to ourselves but to fold The page so it points to the good part Another country burning on TV What well always have is something we lost In the snow, the dry outline of my mother Promise me you wont vanish again, I said She lay there awhile, thinking it over One by one the houses turned off their lights I lay down over her outline, to keep her true Together we made an angel It looked like something being destroyed in a blizzard I havent killed a thing since Dear Peter they treat me well here they dont make me forget the world like you promised but oh well Im back inside my head where its safe cause Im not there the xanax dissolves & Im okay this bed no longer stranded at sea the door coming closer now & Im gonna dock some days I make it to the reading room they have one flew over the cuckoos nest can you believe it but hey I think Im getting better though I learned in the courtyard yesterday Im still afraid of butterflies how they move so much like a heart on fire I know it doesnt make sense this pill a bone-shard of will unwilling me Peter I feel sorry for anyone who has to die despite the fact I was fifteen once but who knows I tell lies to keep from falling away from me you wouldnt believe it a man in the back of a walgreens once said I can make you look like something true fuck he said oh fuck youre so much like my little brother so I let him kiss me for nothing oh well childhood is only a cage that widens like this sunlight honest through the clinic window where a girl on methadone claps alone at a beige butterfly knocking its head up the beige wall Peter Im wearing your sea-green socks to stay close I swear Ill learn to swim when Im out once & for all the body floats for a reason maybe we can swim right up to it grab on kick us back to shore Peter I think Im doing it right now finally maybe Im winning even if it just looks like my fingers are shaking Skinny Dipping some boys have ghosted from this high but I wanna go down on you anyway to leap from the bridge Ive made of my wrongs look they lied to us no one here was ever ugly look if you see me then I prayed correctly I leapt from the verb taking off my best shirt this rag & rage a tulip too late in summers teeth like the blade in a guillotine I wont pick a side my name a past tense where I left my hands for good oh it should be enough to live & die alone with music on your tongue to jump from anywhere & make it home to be warm & full of nothing oh I kept my hope -blue Vans on this whole time to distract you from my flat ass did it work oh my people my people I thought the fall would kill me but it only made me real Beautiful Short Loser Stand back, Im a loser on a winning streak.
I
Snow Theory This is the best day ever I havent killed a thing since 2006 The darkness out there, wet as a newborn I dog-eared the book & immediately Thought of masturbation How else do we return to ourselves but to fold The page so it points to the good part Another country burning on TV What well always have is something we lost In the snow, the dry outline of my mother Promise me you wont vanish again, I said She lay there awhile, thinking it over One by one the houses turned off their lights I lay down over her outline, to keep her true Together we made an angel It looked like something being destroyed in a blizzard I havent killed a thing since Dear Peter they treat me well here they dont make me forget the world like you promised but oh well Im back inside my head where its safe cause Im not there the xanax dissolves & Im okay this bed no longer stranded at sea the door coming closer now & Im gonna dock some days I make it to the reading room they have one flew over the cuckoos nest can you believe it but hey I think Im getting better though I learned in the courtyard yesterday Im still afraid of butterflies how they move so much like a heart on fire I know it doesnt make sense this pill a bone-shard of will unwilling me Peter I feel sorry for anyone who has to die despite the fact I was fifteen once but who knows I tell lies to keep from falling away from me you wouldnt believe it a man in the back of a walgreens once said I can make you look like something true fuck he said oh fuck youre so much like my little brother so I let him kiss me for nothing oh well childhood is only a cage that widens like this sunlight honest through the clinic window where a girl on methadone claps alone at a beige butterfly knocking its head up the beige wall Peter Im wearing your sea-green socks to stay close I swear Ill learn to swim when Im out once & for all the body floats for a reason maybe we can swim right up to it grab on kick us back to shore Peter I think Im doing it right now finally maybe Im winning even if it just looks like my fingers are shaking Skinny Dipping some boys have ghosted from this high but I wanna go down on you anyway to leap from the bridge Ive made of my wrongs look they lied to us no one here was ever ugly look if you see me then I prayed correctly I leapt from the verb taking off my best shirt this rag & rage a tulip too late in summers teeth like the blade in a guillotine I wont pick a side my name a past tense where I left my hands for good oh it should be enough to live & die alone with music on your tongue to jump from anywhere & make it home to be warm & full of nothing oh I kept my hope -blue Vans on this whole time to distract you from my flat ass did it work oh my people my people I thought the fall would kill me but it only made me real Beautiful Short Loser Stand back, Im a loser on a winning streak.
