Marion Grodin - Standing Up: A Memoir of a Funny (Not Always) Life

I want to thank my remarkably insightful agent, Jane Dystel, who, after seeing me do stand-up, turned to columnist Cindy Adams, and exclaimed, That girl should write a book!

Miriam Goderich, my other agent, who was so helpful in guiding me through what often felt like the epic process of writing just the book proposal.

I am so grateful to my editor, Kate Hartson, for all her goodwill and support as she guided me through the truly epic process of writing this book, as well as for not actually wrestling the pen out of my hand, as I sat across from her, day after day, rewriting, revisingand then rewriting and revising some more.

I have to thank Lauren Rohrig, editorial assistant extraordinaire, for her mind-boggling patience during the inordinate amount of time it took me to figure out how to color code all my rewrites and revisions.

Marketing director Andrea Glicksons tenacity in making sure I was able to present this book at the Jewish Book Council will always be so appreciated by this particular Jew.

I would not have been able to write this book without Hans Leon and Keena Washington, and the rest of the kick-ass crew at the Englewood Staples, who saw me through every computer crisis, starting with my laptop being stolen before Id even finished the proposal.

I need to convey my deep appreciation to my dear friend Danny Cohen, who, as the final deadline approached, lent me the money (which I have since repaid) necessary to stop doing anything but devote myself to finishing this book.

And lastly, to all my friends who talked me off the ledge, whenever necessary, over the two years it took to write this book! I couldnt have done it without you. You know who you are.

Maybe this wasnt such a good idea, I said, adjusting my Chicos burgundy velvet tunic. What if I suck? I whispered into my dads ear as we sat on the side of the stage, watching the cast of Wicked belt out one extraordinary song after another in the tent at the Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port, in front of the thousand or so attendees to the annual Kennedy gala. Youll be the best thing in the show, my dad said, staring straight ahead as he stood up, adjusted his tuxedo, and walked to the middle of the stage.

Just incrediblereallya couple of those high notesI couldnt hit them, my dad said, pretending to try to hit a high note as the cast of Wicked exited the stage to thunderous applause. Our next performer Ive known for a very long timeher whole life, actually. Shes been on The View and Late Night with Conan OBrien; she headlines regularly at Gotham Comedy Club; shes opened for Lewis Black, Colin Quinn, and for Pat Cooper. Please welcome one of the funniest people I know: Marion Grodin! He hugged me tight as he handed me the microphone.

You forgot to tell them I starred in Rapunzel when I was ten, I whispered into his ear, laughing as I took the microphone from him.

Next time, he whispered back, kissing the top of my head.

As I looked out at all these beautiful, smiling faces, everyone so sparkly in their gowns and tuxedos, I was overcome with gratitude that on one of the worst days in my forty-two-year life, I got to step into the light and do the one thing I could always count on to pull me out of the dark.

First, I just want to say how truly happy I am to be here with all of you tonight. You all look fabulous! Okay, soId like to start by going around the roomand everyone just sharingbriefly, because I do want to get to everyonewhat medications theyre currently taking. Big laughs. That would take the whole night, right?

Soare there any other Jews in the room, besides me? (A table toward the back claps energetically.) Okayokay, goodgoodbut why in the back, Ethel? Seriously, I said, smiling at Ethel Kennedy, who was seated right in front of me in a spectacular turquoise-and-champagne-colored ball gown, laughing as she shook her head from side to side.

So, before I was married, yknow, I was really trying to meet someone, and my friend Erin, who works on The Dating Gameyeah, its back on. Yknow, that was, like, the first reality show. Anyway, she said I should come on there to try and meet someone. And I said, Im not going on that show, Erin, and you know why? You know whos not on The Dating Game? Jews. We are not on that show because whenever its a female doing the picking, its always the exact same thing. Its always like, Tammys from Tarzana, California. Shes a speech therapist. She enjoys windsurfing, Rollerblading, and scuba diving. She says shes looking for a man whos not afraid to laugh, and claims she makes an unforgettable sea bass. Come on, Tammy. Come on down. I stop, stare at the audience, shaking my head slowly from side to side. That is not a Jewthat is not one of ours. I make a circling motion toward the Jews in the back. Id love it to be one of my tribe: a really neurotic, tortured, broken Jewess, like myself. The profiled be completely different, likeI drop my head, letting out a huge sighMyrnas from a long line of depressed codependents. She says shed like to write a screenplayits just so hard to get out of bed. She enjoys a high dosage of Zoloft, a variety of twelve-step programs, and sharing the same insights about herself over and over again.She says shes looking for a man whos willing to pay for some therapy, and one who wouldnt be too put off by public sobbing. Come on down, Myrna. Come on down. They bring her down on a gurney, with a platter of whitefish and a Barbra Streisand box set.Its a whole other thing. Boy, do I not miss dating. Ladies, you ever get with a guy, and he wants you to do something you dont want to do? Not likethe dishes. Nobody wants to do the dishes. I gesture toward the crowd. Can I talk about sex, is that okay? Applause, especially from the back. Oh, surethe Jews. So, I used to go out with this guy whose favorite position was me on top.

And when I first got with him, I was thin, so I could pretty much just backflip right up there. But after a whilewell, I realized I was veryhungry, and I got heavy. So one day, I said, Honey, can we talk? Look, we both know that I am not, remotely, anywhere near that entry-level weightso by the time I hoist my big, fat ass up there, Im tired. Im hungry. Im frightened and disoriented. Nothing hot is going to happen up here. I said, Look, if you really want me to get up there, give me some kind of incentiveyknow, give me a reason to climb. Suspend, like, a Snickers from the ceiling.Something for baby

Thanks, thanks, I said during a fairly long applause break. But thankfully those days are behind me. Im married now, and actually, weve been trying to have a baby for a while, so every month, I pee on the stickto see if Im pregnant, or if Ive just had a little too much Mexican that weekand every time I do that, I can never get over the fact that you can find out something that profound by whizzing on a stick. And, honestly, I would love to be able to find out other information by peeing on a stick, likeis alternate side of the street parking suspended? I dont even know who to call at this point! I get towed like every five days.

As I waited for the crowd to stop applauding, I snuck a glance over at my dad, who was beaming brighter than any of the lights flooding the stage. He shot me an enthusiastic thumbs-up as we winked at each other, and I took a breath, gearing up for my closer.

But that weight stuffwhew, I said, exhaling as I dropped my head. Ladies, can we talk about how traumatic that swimsuit fitting room is? I mean, the lights are so bright. Look, Im in there for a