Sam Seder - F.U.B.A.R.: Americas Right-Wing Nightmare

AMERICAS RIGHT-WING
NIGHTMARE

Sam:
To Nikki and Myla

Stephen:
To Cate

Introduction

. TALIBAN DREAMIN

. OPEN YOUR MIND

. ASK MR. SCIENCE GUY

. APOCALYPSE NOW

. THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM

. THE REPUBLICAN CAT FOOD PROMOTION ACT OF 2005

. SENIOR CITIZEN CAREER-COUNSELING GUIDE

. FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOURE BROKE

. THE REPUBLICAN NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER PROMOTION ACT OF 2005

. LIFE BEGINSJUST BEFORE SEX

. ABSTINENCE ONLY: The Oral and Anal Sex Enhancement Initiative

. THE SECRETARY OF LOVE

. I HATE MYSELF: Life as a Gay Republican

. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

. SO YOU WANNA BUY A CONGRESSMAN

. HECK OF A JOB

. WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEARBut the People Outside My Administration Who Were Really Responsible for This

. THE MEDIA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT BEING A GAY REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN

. HOW TO SPEAK RELIGIOUSLY

. HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND CONVERT REPUBLICANS (Or Just Convert Republicans)

. GOING UNDERGROUND

APPENDIX: Ringing Denunciation by Janeane Garofalo

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Credits

Cover

Copyright

About the Publisher

F.U.B.A.R. is a military acronym that means FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION . It is the authors contention that the country has been fucked up. But more than just the general boy, things are really fucked up feeling that most Americans have when watching the news or rolling their eyes at the more-partisan-bickering-by-those-Washington-politicians tone the media takes with any story about politics.

This is a different kind of fucked upone thats making America unrecognizable as the America most Americans feel they know. You may think the political and social situation in this country is bad. But its worse. Its the Rapture Right Paradox: to whatever extent you realize Bush and the Rapture Right have fucked America up, its always worse. However worse you think it is, its worser. So far, scientists have been unable to come up with a successful mathematical proof of the Rapture Right Paradox, but then the Rapture Right isnt so big on science.

How have they been able to fuck things up so badly? Its sort of like those parasites who eat their host from the inside without the host even knowingkeeping them alive for as long as possible. Everything looks normal until the host is no longer needed, and then, poofit all crumbles. They depend on you being, essentially, asleep and unaware of whats going on.

Sure, youve been up, walking around, spending money, eating stuff, signing for packages, lifting babies, handling glass things, grilling meats; but youve been asleep.

Maybe it was Bill Clinton who put you to sleep. Maybe it was a good run of a tech stock. Maybe it was the medias obsession with missing white women. Maybe it was the job, the kids, Ben and Jen or Jen and Brad. Maybe it was the arriv of the Beaujolais nouveau. Maybe you follow politics, maybe youre liberal or independent or Democrat or fiscally responsibleor progressive or intelligentprobably most of these things. But youve been asleep.

Nothing to be ashamed of. We realize people have lives to lead, families to take care of. And sometimes its easier to just go along, and not want to know too much about whats going on. We have these tendencies, toowere both meat-eaters, for example, though suspect we wouldnt be if we delved too deeply into how that hamburger wound up on our plate at the Corner Bistro.

But, you say, I know the country is having a tough time, I know the Bush administration is corrupt, I know about Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff, I know about the lies before the war started and the lies after the war started, I know about the trillion-dollar Iraq War bill my grandkids will have to pay, I know about the huge deficits, the wage stagnation, the hackery and incompetence exposed by Katrina, the secret NSA domestic spying with no court order.

But thats not all the right wing is doing. Theyre not just trying to reshape the political landscape of the country; theyre trying to redefine things like reality and truth. Theyll take the former where they can get it (and theyve gotten a lot of it during the last five years), but its the latter where the chance for big, wholesale change is.

Thats why, as youll notice, we use the terms Bush, Republicans, and Rapture Right interchangeably. What was once the fringethe embarrassing cousin they saw only when they had to (special occasions, especially the ones held every four years in November)has now become the heart of the Republican Party. Theyve finally got the real power, and, like Bush with the phantom political capital he claimed to have earned after the 2004 election, they intend to use it.

So, while Bush chips away at the outside, the Rapture Right chips away at the foundation. A little bit of doubt about the truth of evolution here, a little bit of social security lies there, a little bit of fear about homosexuals everywhere, and pretty soon the countrys all fucked up.

Among other things, F.U.B.A.R. serves as an attempt to show you how theyre doing this, wake you up to the nightmare that is Rapture Right America, and give you a few pointers about how to live more comfortably in the New America.

To those out there who may feel theyre not ready to experience the full awakening, weve thought of you, too. For you weve included a lot of fun puzzles and games that you can skip to if youd rather not see whats going on. They can be found at the end of the bookso if you choose to avail yourself of this option, you, too, can feel like youve finished the book.

But we hope the rest of you will press on. If you dont, then the Rapture Right has won. Were fighting them here so you dont have to fight themoh well

Y ou may have noticed that under the Bush regime the line between church and state has gotten a bit blurry. Maybe youve heard about a Ten Commandment controversy here or an attorney general anointing himself with cooking oil there. Perhaps you know that over the past five years your government has given more than a billion dollars of your tax money to tax-exempt churches for faith-based initiatives ( aka pay-Yahweh-ola). Perhaps youve been following the brouhaha over trying to change the Constitution so that gay people cant get married. But hey, no biggie, theyre doing their thing, Im doing mine.

The problem is that your thing is their thing. The Republican Party isnt the charming, noblesse-oblige, country-club avuncular-drunk Grand Old Party of yesteryear. Theres a new sheriff in GOP town. One who believes were living in end times. This one is lighter on the charm andheavier on the apocalypse. Hes a Rapture Republican, a Big Government Theocrat, a Radical Clerican American Taliban.

If youre reading this book, chances are youre a thoughtful, curious person. In our new future under Rapture Republican rule, you may want to think about dialing that kind of thing down a bit. When in public, stick to simple declarative sentences, like, Hey, thats tall! or According to Jim was awesome last night! If the world looks flat from where you are, its flat.

As far as reading in particular, scale back quickly (after, of course, you finish reading this book). If you feel like you absolutely must continue reading, pick up a People or Us Weekly ( Time and Newsweek work just as well). Nothing will make you more docile than having your head filled with the details of Nick and Jessicas divorce or whether its Hilary or Lindsay whos being the jerk about the whole thing.