Robert Uttaro - To the Survivors

I dont care if I dont have sex for therest of my life;

Im never going to take it from someone. Danny

T OTHE S URVIVORS

Robert Uttaro

Published by Robert Uttaro at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Robert Uttaro

This book is available in print at mostonline retailers.

Robert Uttaro does not give medical advice orprescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment forphysical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of aphysician, either directly or indirectly. This book is not asubstitute for legal, medical, psychological, or other health careprofessional advice and treatment. Robert Uttaro cares abouthelping people impacted by sexual violence, but he recommends yousee qualified lawyers, legal advocates, physicians, therapists,psychologists, psychiatrists and other health care professionalsregarding your legal and individual health needs.

This book is dedicated to all who have beenaffected by sexual violence.

Some of the names and places in this bookhave been changed to protect confidentiality. Also, I will not usethe real name of the organization I worked for as a volunteer. Toprotect confidentiality, I will refer to that organization as TheHealing Place and THP.

A portion of proceeds from the sale of thisbook will be donated to rape crisis centers.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1: Childhood

Chapter 2: Getting Involved

Chapter 3: Mary

Chapter 4: Training

Chapter 5: Case Management

Chapter 6: Outreach & Education

Chapter 7: Rebecca

Chapter 8: Punk Rock

Chapter 9: Corey

Chapter 10: Justice

Chapter 11: Victim Blaming

Chapter 12: Megan

Chapter 13: The Changelings Lament

Chapter 14: Alexis

Chapter 15: Jim

Chapter 16: Don

Chapter 17: Chris

Chapter 18: False Unity

Chapter 19: Shira

Chapter 20: Jenee

Chapter 21: Forgiveness

Chapter 22: B.L.E.S.S

March Fourteenth

Here is a list, God, of everything Im neverforgetting.

Burns on her legs.

Impressions of his hands around herneck.

The all over purple-ly skin.

She can not

will not

can not

will not

can not

will not do the internal part of that effingkit, no.

(I hang back in the waiting room as theyimplore her for hours and pray they willoh-my-godstopraping.)

She can not

will not

can not

will not

can not

will not

can not

will not say his name, no.

(She gives up, writes alphabet letters onlykind of true; no matter love, I understand you.)

A 72-hour psych hold.

Cops and detectives.

My brother-in-law in rare tears the morningnot-one-of-us-slept after.

Silence all these years.

And the prize for speaking? A brand newhorror show.

Doesnt seem worth it now or ever.

She never feels clean.

Shell never.

Not after a hundred hospital showers.

Her fear of the past.

Her fear of today.

Her fear of tomorrow and every hour beforeand after this moment.

Overwhelming.

The questions.

The shaking.

The stares of strangers and rememberingwhen.

(Im struggling not to vomit. Were tryingnot to live this.)

Can they see it on me? She wonders likebefore.

Why cant they see it, the secret Icant say?

She says prayers, but not like the ones sheprays when he comes home to decide, I miss your mother and Youknow, youre so pretty.

Try again. I see a light in the sky.

Your heart is broken.

My heart is broken.

Our heart is bro-ken.

(But try them again.)

-A poem Jenee wrote in response to visitingher friend in the hospital who was beaten, choked, burned, andraped.

I NTRODUCTION

This book is not aboutstatistics.

I never thought I would volunteer at a rapecrisis center. I always knew rape and sexual assault existed, butfor most of my life I did not seriously consider ways in which Icould help those affected by sexual violence. I could not imaginethat a large number of people actually experience such an evil anddetrimental horror as rape is, but unfortunately many do. Never inmy wildest dreams did I think I would help play a positive role inthe healing process of rape and sexual assault survivors, educatepeople, and be active in the fight against sexual violence, butoften times our lives go in different directions than we plan orexpect.

Sexual violence is very complex. Given that,I will not speak for every human being who has been affected bythis crime. This book is by no means a blue print of how all rapesand sexual assaults occur, nor will I tell you how to feel. I donot have all of the answers to the many difficult questions thatarise when discussing sexual violence, and I obviously do not knoweveryone who has experienced sexual violence. This book is about myexperiences as a rape crisis counselor and the survivors I have metwho felt strong enough and comfortable enough to share theirstories with me and you. I have my opinions and ideas aboutdifferent aspects of sexual violence, but neither I nor the peopleyou will soon meet speak for humanity. Everyones story is his orher own. Everyones story is different. Growth and healing isdifferent for everyone.

Sexual violence is not only a violent crime,but it is also a serious health issue. It affects peoples bodies,minds, hearts, and souls. I do not wish to name anyonesexperiences or claim knowledge of all the effects people may feelas a result of sexual violence, but I do know some things. I havelearned that many survivors of sexual violence feel shame. Shamedirectly causes a variety of negative health issues, includingmentalities about ones self and behaviors. I hope to attempt toalleviate some of that shame through this book.

I have always cared about people and theworld we all live in. As long as I can remember, I have beenintrigued by the complexities of the human experience andquestioned what it means to be human. It is fascinating to me thatsome people are happy, fulfilled, or loving, while others areunhappy, unfulfilled, or hateful. Even as a young boy, Iquestioned, Why is there so much hatred and violence in theworld?Why do some people hate other people? Why do somepeople hurt other people? Why do some people rape other people?Why do some people kill other people? I have come tounderstand that I may never know the answers to these questions andmany of the other difficult life questions that people contemplate,but one thing I do know is this: There are far too many men, women,and children who are sexually violated. It is my opinion that weare foolish if we do not take the issue of sexual violenceseriously and help play a positive role in the healing process ofindividuals who experience it, as well as those indirectly impactedby it.

Throughout my life, I have been veryempathetic toward the suffering of others. I contemplated theeffects of violence, but I never did enough about the problems thatI saw because I felt insecure. I didnt think my voice mattered. Icould easily discuss the variety of life issues with family andfriends in my own home, but I did not have the confidence withinmyself to step out of my comfort zone. I had the passion deep downinside of me to help in some kind of way, but my insecure illusionsabout myself and my abilities crippled me. Given my insecurities, Inever once thought I would join an organization whose purpose wasto help any person affected by sexual violence at no cost to him orher, but Im glad I broke down my own ridiculous barriers.Ultimately, making the choice to volunteer at The Healing Placechanged my life and allowed me to impact the lives of some.

Volunteering at THP has been the mostfulfilling aspect of my life. The work has allowed me to teach andhelp people on their healing journeys. I have even managed toinspire some people to get active and volunteer. One of the mostmeaningful things I have done in my life is plant a seed inpeoples minds about THPs existence. I look at it like this: Howcan people get the help and services they need if they dont evenknow those services exist in or near their community?