Cecil Murphy - Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Not Quite Healed: 40 Truths for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

2013 by Cecil Murphey and Gary Roe

Published by Kregel Publications, a division of Kregel, Inc., P.O. Box 2607, Grand Rapids, MI 49501.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwisewithout written permission of the publisher, except for brief quotations in printed reviews.

The authors and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical or psychological services, and this book is not intended as a guide to diagnose or treat medical or psychological problems. If you require medical, psychological, or other expert assistance, please seek the services of your own physician or certified counselor.

Any persons identified in this book have granted permission for their stories to be told. The text clarifies where names have been changed, per the individuals request.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-0-8254-4270-4

Printed in the United States of America

13 14 15 16 17 / 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

M Y NAME IS C ECIL M URPHEY, ALTHOUGH EVERYONE CALLS ME C EC .

In the fall of 1985, I began to face my sexual and physical assaults. Im still in the process. Im closer to total victory, but Im not quite healed.

Someone could counter with, Youre a slow learner or You havent followed Jesus closely enough.

I dont try to answer such charges. Ive moved as rapidly as I know how and dont feel I have to justify anything. After more than twenty years, when I talk about my healing, I say, Im almost healed.

Almost .

I wish I could say that Im totally healed; but that would be a lie. This much I can say: Im as straightforward and transparent as Im capable of being. In the recovery process, Ive searched relentlessly for total healing. I dont know if that labels me quick or slow, truly open or slightly self-deceived.

Some men heal quicker than others dowe know that. But I challenge the statement of anyone who boasts of total healing from sexual abuse in eight months or a year. Or even ten years.

I write this because I watched a once-famous and highly respected minister being interviewed on TV. He had previously admitted having a long-term sexual relationship with another man, and when the story came out, his church fired him. He also said a few words about being sexually abused as a child.

His admission of childhood abuse put him with the rest of us who have faced our pain and reached toward victory. That day I applauded him.

Less than a year after he had been publicly exposed, the man did an interview on national TV. These arent his exact words, but he said something like this to the interviewer: Im free, totally free. He paused and smiled.

When pushed by the interviewer, he said, I have no desires toward men. He went on for another sentence or two, saying he had been delivered from every evil desire.

His words sounded wonderful.

I didnt believe him .

I dont think he intentionally lied. Instead, I would say that its what he wants to be true. I dont believe hes fully healed.

I wrote the previous paragraph without hesitation because Im a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and Ive worked for several years with other former victims of sexual molestation. All of us who struggle with our past speak of a processa long, long process. Its also an ongoing battle.

I understand the mans desire for instantaneous healing or quick deliverance. Im sure wed all like to have the pain wiped away and never be troubled again.

I absolutely affirm that God can produce such a miracle. I dont know of any, but I still think thats possible. As I listened to that man, I wanted to believe him. But his words didnt have what someone called the ring of truth.

Im sorry for him. If hes totally healed, he has no struggles to face. Thats a positive factor, but its also a negative one. As I point out later, battling for victory strengthens us and enables us to hold up our experiences for others who go through the same combat.

Id like to be wrong about that man. If hes not fully delivered, hell probably be miserable and exhausted from pushing back and denying his emotions or hell slip and return to his old ways.

A few months ago I participated in a seminar in which one of the plenary speakers was a pastor who spoke of his abuse and that it had once made him afraid to allow anyone to get close. He said God had healed him.

As I listened, this thought raced through my brain: hes still not going to let people get close . Then I thought perhaps I was being judgmental and silently chastised myself.

A few weeks later, another survivor and I had coffee together. He had also attended that plenary session. Without my saying a word, my friend referred to that pastor. He shouldnt have been up there speaking, he said. Hes not healed enough himself.

How did both of usindependentlycome to that same conclusion? I cant give you three reasons or any concrete analysis. Yet both of us sensed he spoke more about his hopes than his reality .

Thats a major reason Gary and I wrote this book. Gary hasnt struggled openly about his abuse as long as I have, but I believe he has healed sufficiently to help me coauthor this book. His words, for lack of a better phrase, have the right tone. When he talks, I sense hes speaking from experience and understanding, and not from yearning for what he doesnt yet have.

I understand the desire for complete emotional healing. In fact, after two years of facing my abuse, I often heard myself saying, I should be healed by now. When I spoke those words, I didnt understand the pervasiveness of molestation. I wanted to be completely free from my past abuse and to have the memories wiped away.

It doesnt work that way. It is a processand the word process means that it doesnt happen quickly. Or as I said in one seminar, healing from abuse is a process and not an event.

First, we need to realize that sexuality involves our total selvesmind, body, emotions, and spirit. God created us that way, and sexuality is a powerful force in our lives for good or for evil.

Second, our abuse took place in secret, and it happened when we were young and innocent. We lived with our hidden anguish for years. I turned fifty before my memories flooded over me and forced me to learn to cope with my painful childhood. Gary was in his mid forties before flashbacks revealed the abusive childhood he had endured.

Heres a statement Ive adapted from VOICE Today, an organization that works with survivors of sexual molestation:

A victim of murder feels no more pain;

A victim of childhood sexual abuse feels pain for the rest of his life.

Anyone may challenge that last phrase, for the rest of his life, but I believe its true. Terrible things were done to us, and it takes a long timeyears, the rest of our livesto work through the process and to undo the damage. All our lives is accurate because the damage is deep, painful, and we lived with our wounds a long, long time.