Kelli Palfy - Men Too: Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse

Jacob injured his knee in his sophomore year of high school, bent it at a right angle sideways, during football practice. His coach rushed him to the hospital where doctors told him he needed immediate surgery. They needed his fathers permission to operate and requested he come to the hospital immediately.

When Jacobs father finally arrived four hours later the coach was furious. He asked why it had taken him so long to get to the hospital.

We havent been able to give him any pain medication, the coach stated.

His father rationalized, Well, I was shingling the shed, and when the shingles are running straight through you don t stop.

But Jacob has been sitting here in pain for hours! the coach protested.

He can put up with it , Jacobs father responded.

Disgusted, but trying to sidestep a further argument, the doctor asked Jacobs father to sign and consent so he could do the recommended surgery. Jacobs father refused.

The doctor pleaded with him. If he doesnt have the surgery, he will have problems later in life.

Thats not my problem, he replied.

The doctor couldnt believe a father could be so callous toward his own son. He pled with him further.

His knee is going to constantly come in and out of joint and will lock up on him. Hell be falling down stairs and by the time hes in his fifties, hell be in pain.

By the time he gets to 50, Ill be dead, Jacobs father declared, and denied Jacob the surgery.

Later that day Jacobs father told him that a female doctor would be coming to talk to him. He warned Jacob not to say a word to her.

Two days later, a female psychiatrist came into his room. The nurses heard you crying at night and I came in to speak to you about what s bothering you. She asked Jacob several times if things were alright at home. He said nothing. He didnt trust that the psychiatrist, or anyone else, could help him. He was not aware of any children that had ever been removed from their parents care, and he believed his parents would take revenge on him for talking. They might even kill him.

Jacobs fear was for valid reason. Throughout his youth, other professionals had good reason to suspect he was being abused (his own grandmother even witnessed him being sexually abused) yet nothing was ever done to stop it. Jacob believed the only way to escape the abuse was to survive until he was able to move out on his own. In the end he was right. No one ever came to his aid.

#MeToo is an important global movement in support of female sexual abuse survivors. Just as dialogues about women as victims of sexual abuse and harassment are needed, so are discussions about male victims of abuse. Jacobs storyand countless untold stories like hishighlight an equally important need to discuss male sexual abuse which is still widely unreported and unacknowledged. This lack of recognition is in part because the boys and men who experience it rarely come forward. They remain silent for a multitude of reasons, including their own confusion, guilt, fear, desire to protect others, and lack of understanding. Many worry that they will be perceived as less of a man if they disclose having been abused. Others fear they will be considered future sexual offenders.

Research conducted in the United States has shown that approximately one out of every six males is sexually assaulted before the age of 16; yet very few of these individuals disclose, pursue charges, or seek treatment.

First and foremost, this book is written for male survivors of sexual abuse, many of whom still do not recognize themselves as having been victimized. Men and boys often fail to understand theyve been abused for any number of reasons which I discuss in this book. My hope is that through reading the detailed stories shared in this book, other boys and men will gain a better understanding of what abuse looks like, come to recognize themselves as victims and begin to heal and recover. This book is not designed to replace therapy but to supplement healing and inspire men to both seek and accept professional help.