Lauren Kessler - Counterclockwise: My Year of Hypnosis, Hormones, Dark Chocolate, and Other Adventures in the World of Anti-Aging

This book is intended as a reference volume only, not as a medical manual. The information given here is designed to help you make informed decisions about your health. It is not intended as a substitute for any treatment that may have been prescribed by your doctor. If you suspect that you have a medical problem, we urge you to seek competent medical help.

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2013 by Lauren Kessler

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ISBN-13: 9781609613471 hardcover
eISBN-13: 9781609613488

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For Nanny:

Too cool to be forgotten

I HAVE BEEN LYING ABOUT MY AGE SINCE I TOLD WAYNE, THE tousle-haired Atlantic City pool boy, that I was 16. (I was really 13... well, I would turn 13 in a month.) Four years later I told the nice lady at a resort in the White Mountains that I was a college sophomore (I was a high school junior) so she would hire me for a summer job. When, fresh out of grad school, I got a university teaching job and discovered that my teaching assistants were older than I was, I suddenly aged four years to bolster my credibility. Now, of courseand for close to two decadesIve been subtracting, not adding, the years. I lie about my age all the time. I lie so often that I forget how old I really am. Im serious. I actually have to do the math in my head when someone asks. Not that I tell the truth, but it gives me a baseline from which to fabricate. I lie to everyone except the federal government and my insurance company, and Id lie to them if it wasnt a crime. I would lie to my husband, but unfortunately we met before I started subtracting.

Why do I lie?

Its complicated.

Its not that I want to actually be my younger selfas in aimless, confused, angst-ridden, a nail-biting cigarette smoker with a dud of a boyfriend and a job I hate, driving a clunker car and sleeping on 100-count muslin sheets. Muslin. I am not interested in going clubbing, rockin the funky boho look, or dating a 25-year-old guy. What I am interested in, what I powerfully and passionately want, is to be all those good things we associate with young. Because, despite my independence of spirit and my modest successes and a strong streak of feminism, I am part of a culture that labels old bad (weak, sickly, sexless, boring, crabby) and young good (healthy, vibrant, sexy, creative, adventurous). And I want to be good. I dont mean just looking goodwhich is a given. I mean deep-down, from-the-inside-out feeling good.

Sadly, our negative and sometimes downright nasty stereotypes about age are entrenched, pervasive, and very difficult to escape or ignore. Forget about mining sociological treatises on the subject. Just stand in front of the birthday card section at your local store, and heres what youll see: On the front of one card are two older ladies blowing on party favors. The text reads, At our age, we dont call it a party favor anymore. Inside: We call it a work-out. Or this one: An overdressed older woman in a fur coat is standing outside a bathroom stall looking confused. Inside the card, the text reads, At your age it all comes down to one question. What was it I came in here for? Really? Late middle age is about not having the breath to blow on a party favor and forgetting why you walked into the bathroom?

How old do you have to be for the greeting card industry to assault you with insults masquerading as humor? Not as old as you think. Maybe, in fact, as old as you are right now. On one card, a cross-eyed cartoon vulture is perched on a branch. The text reads, So, youre 50. Hey, look on the bright side. Inside: Okay, so there is no bright side. Theres a bright light, but youre gonna want to stay away from that. At 50 there is no bright side? At 50 youre eyeing death? The card next to it proclaims in big bubble letters, 40 isnt old! Inside: Cover isnt true! Forty is old? What about 40 is the new 30? Arent magazines targeted to women of a certain age (now seemingly defined as the first day after your 35th birthday) proclaiming just this in upbeat stories accompanied by airbrushed, studio-lit photos of gorgeous women who are 40 but look 25? The messageand Im not convinced it is a positive onedoesnt seem to be moving the culture in an age-friendly direction. The stereotypes are alive and well.

Unlike, apparently, the people being stereotyped.

Consider that on a Web page looking for answers to the question Could you give me some examples of stereotypes of older people? you will find links to sites about fall prevention and dementia and paid ads for an assisting living facility and an online store selling wheelchairs. No need, really, to cite any examples of stereotypes in order to answer the question. The examples are right there, in front of you. Older means fragile, sickly, and dependent. Older is no fun. Not for you, and certainly not for those around you. And older is... 40? Is it any wonder that Iany of uswant to distance ourselves from the (ever increasing) number that announces our (ever increasing) age? Is it any wonder that I lie about my age, what with midlife lampooned as the end of anything interesting about you or happening to you and the beginning of a night table stocked with meds?

I know it is horribly unenlightened of me to buy into our youth-obsessed culture. I should be seeking wisdom, not toned abs. I should be thinking great and significant thoughts, not worrying about the slowdown in my metabolic rate. I am smart and educated. I know whyand howyouth is sold in the marketplace. And I know, as 1 of 50 million or so baby-boom women in America, that I am in the commercial crosshairs. I have a target pinned on my back. But, although I can prevent myself from falling for some of the products aimed at my lucrative demographic, I cant seem to prevent myself from being captive to the ideology. I wish I were like those 40- or 50-something comfortable with everything about myself women quoted in magazines. You know, the self-accepting, Ive earned every wrinkle and gray hair and Im proud of it women? Ive earned a lot of things I am proud of, but incipient jowls is not one of them. No, I am more of a rage, rage against the dying of the light kind of woman.

I love what Woody Allen had to say to the New York Times reporter who asked him how he felt about aging. (Allen was then in his mid-70s.) Well, Im against it, he saidand then laughed. But he wasnt joking. It has nothing to recommend it, he continued. You fall apart, is what happens. Later in the interview he said he would trade any wisdom or understanding of life that might come with age for being 35 again. Woody Allen may be the iconic American neurotic, but if hes being neurotic about aging here, its a neurosis millions, even tens of millions, of us share.