Piers Anthony - Swell Foop

Jaylin was home alone for the moment; the folks were out on business. She was fifteen, and of course bored with the routine; it came with the territory. Naturally she had more homework than she cared to do.

She looked in the mirror, and saw an image that others said was just like that of her mother at that age, with nice black hair. In fact, some said she looked more like her mother than her mother did. Jaylin knew why: Her mother was old, dangerously close to thirty-five, so was losing it.

Isn't that right, Nikko? she inquired. Nikko wagged his tail in agreement. He was very agreeable.

There was a knock on the door. Nikko barked. Probably a salesman; she would get rid of him soon enough.

But when she went there, she saw an odd couple indeed: a young white man and a young black woman garbed completely in black. He looked like a typical mainland American teen; she looked like a foreign princess. Whatever they were selling must be pretty exotic. Yes? she said politely. It was always best to be polite to strangers, lest they suffer an extemporaneous fit of road rage or something and blow up the town.

Hello, Jaylin, the princess said.

That was another surprise. Do I know you?

Not yet. But we must talk to you about something that is very important. May we come in?

No! Jaylin said more sharply than she meant to. Letting strangers in was a good way to get robbed or worse.

Well, will you come out and talk, then?

No. This was becoming nervous business.

Then I guess we'll just have to talk right here. I am Breanna of the Black Wave, from the Land of Xanth, and this is David Baldwin of

You're joking!

No, I'm serious. We

Did my classmates put you up to this? Pretending to be one of the fantasy people I read about?

I'm not pretending. I really am

Your talent is seeing in blackness. You want to marry Justin Tree.

For sure!

So what are you doing here? That doesn't look like Justin Tree to me. Not enough foliage.

I'm not Justin, the man reminded her. I'm David.

So now she's two-timing Justin?

Justin and I were supposed to be married yesterday, the black woman said hotly. But something came up, and now we need to recruit you.

A likely story. The joke's wearing thin, and I have homework to do. So if you don't mind

We do mind, the woman said. She lifted her left hand. Metria.

Smoke rose off the Ring. It formed into the head and upper torso of an inordinately shapely woman. It's true, the bust said. We need you for the sortie.

The what? Jaylin asked.

Raid, charge, foray, attack, sally

Jaylin burst out laughing.

Mission, Breanna said quickly. It's not at all funny.

Whatever, the little demoness agreed crossly, dissipating into mist and drifting away.

Oh, I wasn't laughing at you, Jaylin said. It's just thatnever mind. How do you do that trick?

It's no trick, Breanna said. This is the Ring of Fire, and it controls all demons. Metria is a demoness, so it can summon her, even here. We need you to fetch the Ring of Void.

The what?

It's complicated to explain. First we have to get you to listen.

Jaylin considered. It could be a joke, but that trick with the Ring was impressive. She would like to have a Ring like that, and be able to conjure up a little holographic image of a bare-breasted demoness. There were any number of people that sight would freak out. So she compromised. Give me that Ring, and show me how it works, and I'll listen.

I can't give you this Ring; I'm its designated holder. But you can have a Ring of your own, at least for a while, that's just as powerful.

Oh? How?

You'll have to come to Xanth with us, and

I'm not going anywhere with you! In fact, you'd better get out of here before my folks return. Oopsshe had just inadvertently blabbed that she was alone in the house, except for Nikko, who really wasn't much of a guard dog.

Maybe you can borrow this Ring for a moment, Breanna said. I'll see if it will let me lend it. She put her fingers to it. To her evident surprise, it came loose. I guess it will. This must be mission-related. She handed it to Jaylin.

Jaylin took it. It seemed quite ordinary. She put it on her little left finger, and it fit comfortably. So how do I do the trick?

Just say her name.

Demoness Metria, Jaylin said.

The Ring warmed on her finger. Smoke formed. The little head and torso reappeared. I'm just doing this as a demon-stration, she said. I really don't have to answer to you, Mundane.

Fascinated, Jaylin poked a finger at the figure. It passed through the belly without resistance. If you were a man, I'd make you marry me before I let you do that, Metria said severely. Then she returned to smoke and swirled away.

Taken aback by the implication, Jaylin didn't know whether to laugh or blush. This was beyond any trick she knew of. But could it really be magic? Okay, come on in and I'll listen. But that's all. She removed the Ring and returned it to Breanna.

Thank you. Breanna and David entered the house and took seats in the living room. Then she started explaining, and Jaylin was amazed despite her reservations.

There really is a Demon Earth? she asked. And he's gone?

And gravity's not long for this world if we don't get him back soon, Breanna agreed. Everything will float away.

Jaylin found herself believing. That really is serious. And I have to fetch the Ring that controls the Void?

And all the things of dreams, including the night mares, Breanna agreed. Each Ring is phenomenally powerful in its domain.

All because I daydreamed I said swell foop?

Yes. That was how you related to it, after our mess-up. So now it will accept you as its holder and user, and no one else. We have to have you.

And you don't even know where it is?

We don't. But Putre will help you find it.

Putre?

I guess I forgot to cover that part. He's a zombie night colt. Like a night mare, or a day mare, only he doesn't carry dreams to sleepers, or even daydreams. He's sort of shut out of the system.

The poor thing!

Well, it's a sexist realm, and in this case it's the males who lose out. He's really nice enough, and he was zombied quite fresh, so it doesn't show at all. You can ride him; I did.

To ride a magic horse! This mission was becoming more attractive. But there was a formidable constraint. Mother would never let me go.

Bleep! I never thought of that, Breanna said.

Maybe I can help, David said. What we need is a cover story. Likelike maybe Jaylin and I met in an Internet chat room, and now she wants to visit Florida. My folks would go along with that.

Jaylin eyed him. He was halfway handsome in his fashion, but this was a big step. Go with you to Florida?

It's just the story, he said quickly. I don't mean we really arethat is, like, going togetherit's just a way to make it look all right. He stopped, evidently flustered.

Jaylin reconsidered. Davidshe remembered him now. He had been a character in a prior novel, twelve years old and a brat. But he was seventeen now, and was not unpersonable. This could be interesting. And Breanna is the chaperone?

Now Breanna looked startled. Of all the things I never thought to be! An enforcer of the Adult Conspiracy. But I guess I could choke down the bile and do that. For a while.

In fact, Jaylin was getting to like these people. Okay, you convince Mom, and I'll go. It sounds like more fun than school.

Just in time, for now the parents returned. There followed a somewhat wary interaction, and the outcome was in deep doubt, until two things tipped the balance. The first was the Ring: Breanna touched Jaylin's mother with it, and murmured believe, and suddenly, irrationally, she accepted the concocted story. That was some magic!