Piers Anthony - Jumper Cable

Jumper Cable

Xanth Book 33

By Piers Anthony

Jumper was going about his business asusual, hunting succulent bugs to eat. He had happened upon a puddleof ointment, and knew there would be ies in it. He was justabout to nab a fat y, taking care not to get stuck in theslimy stuff himself whereupon a hook swung down from the skyand caught him by the scruff of his chitin. It hauled him up, up, andaway, dizzyingly. Then it dropped him into another scene. This wasstrange beyond his experience. The ointment was gone, and with it thedelectable y. The plants were thick-stemmed and woody,reaching into the sky, sheathed in clusters of green leaves. Somewere small green blades hugging the ground. There was a bird, but nothreat to him because it was so small as to be no bigger than a mite.Weird!

Jumper suffered a tweak of memory. Hisgreat-to-the-nth grandfather, the original Jumper, had had experiencewith such a realm. Where was it?

There was a scream. Jumper reactedbefore he thought, getting there in a single bound. Jumping was ofcourse his nature; he could cover many times his body length perjump, and make a perfect landing. He was, after all, a free-rangingspider.

It was his distant tenth-handmemory tweaked a man, grabbing a girl. Girls neededprotecting. So he extended a foreleg, caught the man by the scruff,heaved him up, and threw him away. The man landed in a prickle bush,yelped, looked at Jumper, yelped again, and ed.

"Xx, xxxxx xxx!" the girlcried, getting to her two thick feet. Jumper clicked his mandibles inconfusion. He did not speak girl talk. He was trying to gureout what a girl was doing in this scene. Girls were properly of thegiant realm.

She gazed at him, then went to the sideand fetched something squirmy. She brought it to him. She held it upwith one of her forelegs. Jumper reached out a foreleg and took it.It seemed to be a writhing nest of greenish leaves. What was hesupposed to do with it? The girl made a gesture as of puttingsomething in her mouth part. Oh this was edible? He lifted itto his own mouth, to taste it. But the thing immediately squirmedinto his mouth and lled it with twisting strands.

"Oh, thank yew!" the girlexclaimed, exactly as before.

"Youre welcome,"Jumper said.

Then he paused, astonished. Not onlyhad he understood her, he had replied in her own language. How couldthat be?

"Its the tongues," thegirl said. "I gave yew the gift of tongues. So we could talk."

"Tongues?" he asked,perplexed. There was something funny about the way she talked,without any clicking of mandibles; could this explain it?

"Its a kind of plant,"she claried. "It enables a person to relate to anylanguage. Yew saved me from getting abused by that village lout, andI wanted to thank yew. So I had to enable yew to talk. Yew can spitout the tongues now, if yew want."

He considered that. "First, canyou tell me where this is? I am not familiar with this scene."

"Well, yew woodnt be.Yewre a spider, arent yew? A big one. Yew must bee fromfar away. This is Xanth proper."

"Xanth proper! Thats wheremy ancestor was."

"I dew knot know about him, butyew came in on a narrative hook. I saw it drop yew here. I was sosurprised that I was knot careful, and that lout caught me. Then yewrescued me. I really dew appreciate that. Most creatures woodnthave bothered."

"A narrative hook?"

"Its a device to catchsomeone up in a story right away. Once it hooks yew, yew cantleave the scene."

Jumper wasnt satisedwith that, so he changed the subject. "Why wouldntsomeone else have bothered to help you? You seem like a nice girl,for your species."

"My species. Theres therub. Yew see, Im knot really a girl."

"Youre not? You look likeone."

"From the front."

"You seem to have a nice front."She was bare, and shapely. He was remembering the descriptions handeddown to the descendants by the original Jumper. Girls were supposedto have thin forelegs, thick hind legs, and eshy cones ontheir torsos. She did.

"But Im really a woodwife."

"Wood? Trees are wood. They havewives?"

"No, silly! I am made of hollowwood. See." She turned around. Jumper stared. From the back hesaw that she was indeed hollow. Her round limbs and cones were empty,as was her head. Her shaped front outside was all there was of her.

She completed her turn and faced himagain. "So you see, I am something else. I wish I could bee areal girl, so I could make some real man happy, and not bee stalkedby village louts who dew knot care whats inside as long asthey can poke it from outside. But that simply is knot my nature."

"I... see," he said,orienting about three of his eight eyes on her. It didnt help;she remained the shell of a woman.

"And that is knot the worst of it.Com Pewter wants to make me into a Mother Board to x hisobsolescence. Because my animation is all in my wood shell. I couldknot stand being shut up like that, so Im eeingcivilization. Knot that I was ever part of it; I am an innocentwoodland creature."

"I understand. I wouldntlike it either."

"But thats no concern ofyewrs. Yew saved me this time, and Ill bee more careful nexttime. Im really grateful. Is there any favor I can dew yew inreturn?"

"Can you tell me how to return tomy own realm?"

She shook her head. "Yew can knotreturn, once yewve been hooked. Yew have to nish thenarrative."

"But I was about to catch asucculent y!"

"Im sorry about thatwhats your name?"

"Jumper."

"Im sorry, Jumper. ImWenda. Wenda Woodwife, a fantasy female. I dew knot know why thenarrative hook caught yew and put yew here; maybe it was just anaccident. But yewre stuck in my world for the duration."

"But Im not comfortablehere!" That was an understatement, but he wasnt sure howto ll it out to full strength.

"I understand, I think. Imknot comfortable being a fake girl; yewre knot comfortablebeing in an alien environment. Too bad we can knot solve each othersproblems." Then she paused, looking at him. "What is that?"

"My carapace?" he asked. "Iwear my skeleton on the outside. Not that I have much of one. I ammostly soft body and hard legs."

"No, that thing stuck to yewrback." She stepped forward and reached for it. It turned out tobe a square paper with markings on it.

"I didnt know about that,"he said, surprised.

"Its like a label,identifying yew."

"I know who I am. A lost spider."

She studied it. "I think yew hadbetter read it, Jumper. It seems to relate to yew." She handedit back to him. Jumper took it with one foreleg and oriented an eyeon it. To his surprise he found he could read. The tongues reallywere versatile.

P RO P H E C Y

A Hero unfurls the Bra & Girlls

The Good Magician will set the missionLike the Ogre beware rogue her

Win Heart and Mind but be not blind

The Unicorn betrays the scorn

And Button Ghost unmasks the Host.

Jumper looked up. "This makeslittle if any sense to me. What hero? What girls? What Ogre? WhatUnicorn? What Ghost?"

"I dew knot know. It may bee partof your problem I can knot solve."

She smiled. "Maybee it is part ofthe tangled web yew weave to confuse people."

Jumper folded the mystical note andtucked it under a fold of his carapace. "I think I could solveyour problem, at least. All you need is girl clothing and someone towatch your back to make sure no one else sees it."

"Clothing! Woodwives dew knot wearclothing."

"So it would make you seem morelike a real girl."

Her little mouth dropped open. "Itwood, woodnt it? I never thought of that."

"Well, youre a forestcreature. It shows in your speech."

She considered. "Clothing makes methink of the anti-streaking agent."

"The what?"

"It is something to put in washwater. It messes up the fauns and nymphs something awful, becausethen they can knot streak."