Piers Anthony - Stork Naked

Stork Naked

Xanth Book 30

By Piers Anthony

"How comethat stupid bird is green?" Ted asked. "Is it sick?"

"No, it'sjust too small to manage a better color," Monica said.

"Children!"Surprise exclaimed. "Don't tease the pet peeve."

"Aw, whynot?" Ted asked. "It's just a dumb cluck."

"It can'tunderstand a thing we say," Monica agreed.

Surprise Golemwas babysitting the half-demon children, Demon Ted and DeMonica. Herhusband and parents were away, scouting for a suitable home for thenew family. With her magic talents she could handle the children, butthey were trying to set off the peeve. That was mischief.

The peeve eyedTed. "Your father can't get out of bed. Want to know why?"It spoke in Ted's voice.

Ted swelled upindignantly, but the peeve was already eyeing Monica. "Yourmother slithers on her belly," it said with her voice.

Monica openedher mouth angrily.

"Because itmay tease you back," Surprise said. "And nothing teasesworse than the peeve."

But the battlewas fairly started. "I know why he can't get out of bed,"Ted said. "It's because Mom keeps him there, blissed out, so hewon't be in the way."

"And howdoes she do that, you ignorant juvenile crossbreed?" the peevedemanded insolently.

"Don't tryto answer that!" Surprise said.

"Why not?"Ted asked.

"Because ofthe Adult Conspiracy, dummy," Monica informed him. "You'reonly ten years old."

"Well soare you, double dummy!"

"Children,don't fight," Surprise said. "It's no shame to be ten. Iwas ten once."

"But yououtgrew it," Monica said.

"And sowill you, in a few more years." It was tricky keeping a lid onit, because both children knew more of the dread Conspiracy than theyadmitted, because of their half-demon heritage and suspiciouslytolerant parents. Surprise didn't want to get blamed for a violation.She was babysitting them because their parents were busy elsewhereand few others could handle them. The two children were not related,but were like mischievous siblings with special powers. They wereindeed ten years old, but often acted half that age, reveling intheir childishness.

"Yeah, Iguess so," Ted agreed, grudgingly satisfied.

But the peevewasn't satisfied. "That leaves your mother, who can't stand onher own two feet," it said in Monica's voice. That was one ofits annoying properties: it borrowed the voice of the one it waswith, or whoever it was addressing, so that it seemed to thirdparties that the victimized person was talking. That could bedistinctly awkward at times.

"That'sbecause she's a naga," Monica said. "Nagas don't have feetin their natural forms."

The peeve openedits beak, ready to set the children off again. It lived to insultpeople, and the angrier it made them, the more satisfied it was. Ithad finally found a home here because Surprise's father was GrundyGolem, the only one who could match the irascible bird insult forinsult. The two got along well. But the last thing she wanted was tohave the two half-demons getting into a contest with the bird. TheAdult Conspiracy was bound to get tweaked if not outright abused.

"Let's tella story," Surprise said. Children always liked stories. "Aboutthe Adult Conspiracy." Oops; she had meant to name some safeminor adventure, but her nervousness about the Conspiracy had madeher misspeak. "I mean"

"Yes,let's!" both children exclaimed, picking up on it instantly."With every dirty detail," Ted concluded.

"No, Imeant not about it," Surprise said desperately.

"You said,you said!" Monica chimed. "Now we have to have it. Exactlyhow does it work?"

They were reallytrying to get her in trouble, and knew how to do it. How could shehandle this?

"It's notas if it is any mystery," the peeve said with a superior tonethat was also Surprise's voice. "All that is required is for theman to take the woman and"

"Don't youdare!" Surprise said, conjuring a black hood that dropped overthe bird's head and muffled it.

"____!"the peeve swore, the badness stifled by the hood. It flapped itswings, lifted into the air, did a loop, and dropped the hood to thefloor, where it faded out. It opened its beak again.

"If you sayone bad word, I'll lock you in a soundproof birdcage," Surprisewarned it.

"Youwouldn't dare, you uppity wench!"

A birdcageappeared next to the bird. It had thick sound-absorbent curtains.

The peevereconsidered. It had brushed with Surprise before, and learned thatshe could do just about anything once. If she abolished the birdcage,she would not be able to conjure it again. But she could conjure avery similar one, or a bandanna knotted about its beak, or a cloud ofsneeze powder that would prevent its talking for several moments andsome instants left over. Her magical ability was limited only by herimagination. She was in fact uncomfortably close to being Sorceresslevel, and might one day be recognized as such when she perfected herability. That was why she was able to handle the demon children, andthey too knew it.

"No badwords, harridan," the bird agreed, disgruntled.

"Idea!"Ted exclaimed, a bulb flashing brightly over his head. "Have thepeeve tell about the Adult Conspiracy."

Oh, notheywere back on that. No amount of magic could handle that violation ifit happened. She had to change the subject in a hurry. But for themoment her mind was distressingly blank.

Monica clappedher hands. "I thought you were out of ideas, Ted, but that's agood one."

"It is nota good idea," Surprise said. "The peeve can't speak asentence without insulting someone."

But the childrenknew they were onto something. "Is that true, bird-brain?"Ted asked.

"No, poophead. I just don't care to waste opportunity. I can cover everydetail of the Adult Conspiracy without uttering a bad word."

"Wonderful!"Monica said.

"No youdon't!" Surprise said. "I'll make a laryngitis spell."

"Awww,"the children said together.

"I can tellabout it without violating it," the peeve insisted.

"Seethebird's reformed," Ted said eagerly.

"Under apig's tail," the peeve said. "I'll never reform."

"But youcan really annoy Surprise if you make good on your pledge,"Monica said with a canny glance. "No bad words, no violation,but you cover the subject and she can't stop you."

The peevereceived her glance and sent it back. "You're not half as stupidas I took you for, Harmonica."

"That'sDE-Monica, greenface. As in Demon-ica."

"Ick,"the bird agreed.

"So it'sdecided," Ted said. "The bird sings."

Surprisehesitated. The three were ganging up on her, but she was curious howthe peeve could do what it said, and maybe it would help get themthrough until some more innocent distraction turned up. "Verywell. But the rules will be strictly enforced."

"Absolutely,honey-pie," the bird agreed with her voice. But there was ashiftiness about its wings that suggested it was going to try to getaway with something.

The children saton the floor facing the peeve's perch. Surprise set about making asnack for them all, but she kept a close ear on the bird. Nothingdaunted it except a direct enforceable threat.

"Long agoand far away," the peeve said, "there was no such thing asthe Adult Conspiracy. People summoned storks freely and no one cared.Children knew all about it, and watched when they wanted to. That washow they learned how to do it. But then confounded civilizationarrived and messed up the natural order. Adults started concealingit, and setting other ridiculous rules such as not letting childrenhear the most effective words. It seems the adults were jealous ofthe carefree life of children, so decided to keep interesting thingsaway from them."

"Hearhear," Ted agreed.

Surprise did notsee it quite the same way, but as long as the bird stayed clear ofkey words and concepts she couldn't protest.