Piers Anthony - Pet Peeve

Pet Peeve

Xanth Book 29

By Piers Anthony

It all startedwhen the stranger gave Goody Goblin the Finger. Goody was annoyed, infact he was furious, but was far too polite to show it or return it.

That was ofcourse his curse: he was so civil that other goblins couldn't standhim. A goblin male was supposed to be obnoxious, foul mouthed, anddisreputable, the crap of the earth. The niceness in the goblinspecies was confined to females. But those pretty, sweet, andobliging goblinesses generally preferred brutally manly males. It wasa fair division of types. Goody came across like a girl.

Oh, he had triedto overcome it. He had even gone to the Good Magician nigh a score ofyears ago for a way to abate the curse. Magician Grey Murphy hadshown Goody that he knew the bad vocabulary when Goody sat on a curseburr. But thereafter he had avoided curse burrs, and so did notcurse, and his problem remained. He lacked even the inclination to becrude or mean spirited. Worse, he no longer had even the desire tochange; he was satisfied to be the way he was.

He looked at theFinger. It was in a small box with a cushioned bottom. It appeared tobe a human center digit, firm and healthy, severed neatly at thebase. Along the side of the box was printed MAKE ANYONEMADGUARANTEED. GIVE THEM THE FINGER.

It certainlyseemed to work. Goody had been mindlessly enraged to receive it, forno discernible reason. There must be a curse associated with it, aspell that oriented on the person who accepted the box. He didn'teven know the stranger, in fact had hardly seen him; the rage cameregardless.

What was he todo? He couldn't keep the Finger, because its very nearness irritatedhim unmercifully. He didn't need to look at it; he knew it was there,and that made him boil.

Well, who saidhe had to keep it? He set the box on a fence post and took a stepaway.

In a momentsomething poked him in an infuriatingly private place. He leaped,whirling, coming perilously close to uttering one of those curse-burrwords.

It was theFinger, floating out of its box. It had followed him and goosed him.Its direct touch was thrice as worse as its boxed presence. He was soangry that he felt steam rising from his head. This was no good; hecouldn't handle such raw emotion; the heat would soon cook his face.

He went back andfetched the box. The Finger obligingly floated into it and layquiescent. Now it was only normally obnoxious.

So he couldn'tleave it behind. He would have to give it away to someone. But howcould he do that? That would be unkind, and he was not that sort ofperson. He did not care to voluntarily annoy any person.

There was aswirl of smoke. "You look like a goblin with a catechism."

"A goblinwith a what?" Only belatedly did he think to wonder why and howa swirl of smoke could talk.

"Annoyance,quandary, bother, imbroglio, bafflement, nuisance, confusion,vexation, trouble, snag, pickle, muddle, enigma, pother, dilemma,flaw" The smoke coalesced into an electrifyingly exoticfemale human shape. "Well, don't just let me go on forever! Howmany alternatives do you want?"

"I don'tunderstand."

She frowned, herscant attire drooping to proffer naughty glimpses fore and aft."You're supposed to suggest the word I'm looking for. Now shallwe try again? Aggravation, perturbation, mystery, kink"

"Problem?"

"Whatever,"she agreed crossly. "Who are you?"

"GoodyGoblin. So called because"

"My turn.And I'm the Demoness Metria. I have a slight problem with vocabulary,but I'm more than sexy enough to make up for it."

He was catchingon. "I have a problem with vocabulary too. I don't like to usebad words."

She eyed him,her eyes expanding to twice their normal size. "But you're amale goblin! Isn't that a Gordian knot?"

"A what?"

"Poser,heresy, perplexity, asymmetry, irony"

"Paradox?"

"Whatevno,wait, that's not quite it. Puzzle, absurdity, contradiction,stupidity"

"Oxymoron?"

"That'sit!" She put on the frown. "I mean, whatever. How can yoube a male goblin without cussing?"

"It's noteasy, but I have learned to live with it."

"But thatwasn't what summoned me. What's that you're holding?"

"A boxedFinger."

"Fascinating!Let me look at it." She reached for the box.

Goody suffered amoment of sinful temptation. Fortunately his better nature prevailed."You would not care for this."

"I'll bethe epicure of that. Give it to me."

This time herefrained from challenging the wrong word. "I would like to, butit wouldn't be kind."

"You littletwerp, stop teasing me!" She snatched the box from his hand.

There was apause, if not pregnant, at least gravid. Then the demoness explodedinto a noxious fog. "You gave me the Finger, you bleepitybleep!" The nearby foliage wilted with the heat of the language.

"Well, Itried to warn you."

"Take itback!" The Finger flew through the air and smacked into hishand.

Goody wasoutraged. "You outrageous" But words failed him, asthey were all well beyond his comfort zone.

Metriare-formed, wearing a different but no less revealing outfit."Outrageous what?"

"Manure,ordure, dung, feces, stool"

"Turd?"

"Whatever,"he agreed crossly. She had come up with a word he would not haveused, but which did fit the situation.

"Now atlast I understand the nature of this thing," she said. "Itinfuriates whoever receives it."

"Exactly.That's its magic. I need to be somehow rid of it, without beingunkind to some other person."

She contemplatedhim, her eyes remaining normal this time. "You are a wonder,Goody Goblin."

"I'm anoutcast among my kind. But that's beside the point. What am I to do?"

"Obviouslyyou need to go see the Good Magician Humfrey. Toodle-oo." Thedemoness faded gracefully out.

He sighed. Theproblem seemed intractable. Therefore he would have to take it to theGood Magician. Of course that would cost him a year's Service orequivalent, but he did have time on his hands (not to mention theFinger), and a sadness on his soul that could use the distraction.

He set outimmediately. There was no point in delaying; he wanted to be rid ofthe Finger as soon as possible. He knew the way to the nearestenchanted path, and that would lead him safely to Humfrey's castle.

He was in such ahurry that he started a group of bunnies. They hopped out of his way,Jacks and Jills. He could tell because the Jack rabbits wore littletrousers, and the Jill rabbits little skirts. It seemed they had beenon their way up a hill before he so rudely interrupted them. Theywere highly annoyed.

Which was surelythe fault of the Finger. Its proximity made him behave crudely. Heheld up the box, to show them the cause, but that made them glareworse.

Goody sighed. Hewalked away, not trying to explain further. Now he had even morereason to get to the Good Magician's Castle rapidly.

Soon he reachedthe enchanted path that went the way he was going. That was one ofthe qualities of such paths, of course: they were not only safe, theywere convenient. As he stepped onto it, he encountered two humanpeople just stepping off it. One was a young teen girl with darkbrown hair and large deep brown eyes; the other was an older teen boywith tousled light brown hair and shallow brown eyes. They wereobviously siblings. Both were twice as tall as Goody, being normallyhuman proportioned.

"Here'sanother fine mess you've gotten us into," the girl wascomplaining. "This isn't the path we're looking for."

"But youpicked it," the boy protested. "You know my talent."

"Yourtalent is failure," she retorted. "You always get the wronganswer, make the wrong decision, or pick the wrong path. So I chosethe opposite directionand it's still wrong! How canthat be?"

"Well, yourtalent of dumb luck didn't fix it."