Piers Anthony - Geis of the Gargoyle

Geis of the Gargoyle

Xanth Book 18

By Piers Anthony

Thedemoness formed into smoke, and then into an insidiously lovely (ifyou like that type) humanstyle woman. Her face was unutterably fair,her hair flowed like honey, her bosom was so full and well-formedthat it was probably sinful just to look at it, and the rest of herwas more so. But there was something odd about her apparel.

Sheeyed the creature sitting in the dry riverbed, who was about asopposite from her as it was possible to be.

"My,you're an ugly customer," she remarked.

"Thankyou," the thing replied gruffly.

"Youcan speak!" she said, surprised.

"Onlywhen I make the effort."

Shewalked around it. Her dainty delicate feet did not quite touch theground, but the ground here was so scabbed and messy that this wasjust as well. She peered closely at every detail. "You have aface like a cross between a lion and an ape, with the worst featuresof each, and with an extremely big mouth formed into a perpetual 0.You have a grotesque compact body with an inane tail and four bigclumsy feet. And you have a pair of really ugly stumpy leatherywings. Overall I can't imagine a worse-looking creature."

"Thankyou. You, in contrast, are unconscionably aesthetic."

"I'mwhat?" she asked, frowning.

"Disgustinglypretty."

"Oh.Thank you."

"Mystatement was not a compliment."

"Well,neither was mine! I have just three questions to ask of you,monster."

"Thenwill you go away?"

Sheshook a fine firm finger. "Answer mine, then I'll answer yours,you refugee from a horror house. What are you?"

"Iam a gargoyle."

"Whoare you?"

"GaryGar."

"Andwhat are you doing, Gary Gargoyle?"

"Iam performing according to my geis."

"What'sa gaysh?"

"Forgetit, demoness! You promised to answer mine after three of yours."

Shefrowned prettily. "Very well, Gary Garble. Ask your stupidquestion." A large mug appeared in her hand.

"Wouldyou like a drink from Ein Stein first?"

"What'stha" he started to ask, but caught himself almost barelyin time. She was trying to trick him into wasting his stupidquestion. "No. I don't know what that is, so I won't risk it."

"Toobad," she said. "One drink from this would have made youXanth's smartest creature, capable of concluding that Eeee equalsEmcee squared." The mug disappeared.

"Ican live without that Conclusion," he said. "Who are you?"

Shefidgeted, beginning to lose definition. "That's awkward toanswer."

"Well,make the effort, smokeface."

Herfeatures reformed, lovelier than before. "I'm D. Mentia, butthat's only a half-truth."

"What'sthe other half of the truth?"

"I'mthe alter ego of the Demoness Metria. She did something disgusting,so I'm sailing out on my own."

"Whatdid she do?"

"Shegot married, got half a soul, and fell in love, in that order. Nowshe's so nice I can't stand her."

"Dodemons marry?"

"Forgetit, gargle. I answered three already. Now it's my turn again. What'sa gaysh?"

"Amisspelling of geis."

"Howcan you tell it's misspelled when I'm speaking it?"

"Iam long familiar with the word. You're pronouncing it as it sounds."

Shegrimaced. "Sorry about that. So what is it?"

"Anobligation of honor."

"Whatdoes an ugly character like you know about a fair concept likehonor?"

"That'syour fourth question. Mine first: Why are you wearing a skirt upsideand a blouse downside?"

Mentiaglanced down at herself. The clothing faded out, leaving a body sobarely luscious that any ordinary man who spied it would freak out inhalf a moment. "That's hard to explain."

"Makeanother effort, bareface," Gary said, looking slightly boredthough her face was the least of her bareness.

"Well,my better naturethat is, D. Metriahas a certain problemwith words. For example she would say you really don't look properlyvolant, and you would say"

"Properlywhat?"

"Andshe would say feathers, uplift, flapping, sky, winging"

"Flightworthy?"

"Andshe would say Whatever, crossly."

"That'swhat volant means?"

"Uh-uh,Garfield. I answered three. What's this about honor?"

Garysighed. It was a good effort, because his stone body was mostlyhollow. "From time vaguely memorial on, my family of gargoyleshas been in charge of this river, the Swan Knee, which flows fromdrear Mundania into Xanth, as you can see." He gestured with awing. Sure enough, to the north the dry channel wound unhappilythrough truly dreary terrain. The line where the magic of Xanth tookeffect was marked by increasingly magical vegetation, such as shoetrees, lady slippers, and acorn trees. The Mundane equivalents weresadly deficient.

"Normallythe water flows south, and it has been our geis to guarantee itspurity, so that Xanth is not stained by Mundanian contaminants.Normally the water was mostly clean, so this was no problem, but inrecent decades it has become sullied, until it was virtually sludge.It was awful, cleaning it up! But now there's a drought, and there'sno water at all, which is worse yet. I hope that when the rainsreturn, and the flow resumes, that it will be cleaner, so that itdoesn't leave such a foul taste in my mouth. But regardless, I willdo it, because my line is honor bound to guarantee the quality ofthis water. No wading swans will get their knees dirty in thisriver."

"Nowthat's interesting," Mentia said, looking about as bored as hehad been when she had lost her clothing. "But why are youwasting your time here, when you could get the job done without allthat fuss?"

Nowthe gargoyle began to show some feeling. "What do you mean,wasting my time? This is my job, demoness."

"Soit's your job. But why not do it the easy way?"

"Becauseit's the only way I know." He paused, counting. "That'sthree questions I've answered. My turn. What's this easy way?"

"Howshould I know, spoutface?"

"Youdon't know how?"

"That'sright, gamishee."

Garypaused, realizing that two of his questions were already gone, by herslightly crazy rules. He had already failed to learn why her clothinghad been confused, and he didn't want to fail to learn how to do hisjob the easy way.

Sohe phrased his question carefully. "What gives you the idea thatthere is an easy way to do my job?"

Mentiashrugged, making ripples all across her front and down her arms."There has to be, because if you went to ask the Good Magicianabout it, he would have the answer."

TheGood Magician! He had never thought of that. But he realized thatthis was not a wise course for him. "I couldn't go to ask him,because the moment it rains, the river will resume its flow, and Ishall have to be here to clarify it. Anyway, I understand he'sextremely grumpy. And I don't know the way there."

"Whydon't you make a dam, so the water can't pass until you return toprocess it? And what's so bad about grumpiness, if it frees you froma lifetime's geis? And why not ask me to show you the way there?"

Threemore questions. Gary pondered, then answered them. "I could makesuch a dam. A few minutes of grumpiness seem a bargain, when I thinkof it that way.

AndI won't ask you to show me the way there because you're a demonesswho surely has mischief in mind."

Sheconsidered that. "It's your turn for questions. Why don't youask me if I mean to lead you astray?"

Hebecame interested. "Do you?"

"No."

"Whynot?"

"BecauseI have a defect of demonly character: I'm slightly crazy. That's whymy clothing was mixed up." Her blouse and skirt reappeared,correctly placed. "I share this with my better half: I like tobe entertained, and you promise to be entertaining. I don't careabout you personally, of course, but I hate being bored."

Thatseemed to be a fair answer. So Gary gambled and asked the expectedquestion: "Will you guide me safely to the Good Magician'scastle?"