Alan Katz - The Lieography of Amelia Earhart: The Absolutely Untrue, Totally Made Up, 100% Fake Life Story of a Great American Aviator

Dedication:

To Amelia Earhart, who inspired so many by soaring so high

On her first birthday, Amelia Earhart dedicated her life to flight.

Aga boo ka pleh ma, is what the adults standing near her heard.

Isnt that cute? asked her mother.

Its totally adorable, answered her father.

Sheer poetry! exclaimed her grandparents at the exact same time. Then they both said, Jinx. You owe me a soda! Jinx. You owe me a soda! over and over.

But Amelia hadnt said anything cute, adorable, or poetic. According to the exact translation in the Larry Webster Baby-to-English Dictionary, what Amelia had said was

I believe that I will dedicate my life to flight. I believe that there is a way for women and men to soar high above the clouds to places as yet unreached. I believe I can make a powerful difference in this world. And most of all, at this very moment, I believe that I need a diaper change.

Later that day, Amelias grandmother won $1,000 in the lottery. And her grandfather tripped over a footstool and broke his nose (fortunately, the footstool wasnt damaged). But those events were not really important to Amelias life story. Or were they? By the time you finish this book, youll know.

Lets fast-forward a year or twowhich is something you really cant do in real life, no matter how expensive a remote control you buy. In other words, lets jump to Amelia Earharts third birthday.

Welcome to Amelia Earharts third birthday party. Please dont pop the balloons. Please dont eat the food or stick your fingers in the cake.

Why didnt you bring a gift?

Much like Amelias second birthday party, this was a noisy, noisy event filled with crabby, crabby people. The parents were busy yelling at the kids, and the kids were busy yelling at each other. No one was having any fun. And then

Amelia stood on the couch and said, Look at me, soaring high above the clouds! I am flyinging!

Wowie, wowie, wow, said all the kids.

Amelia Earhart, get off that couch! her mother said. And also, theres no such word as flyinging. You mean flying.

Amelia listened to her mother and jumped off the couch, yelling, Look at me! Im landinging!

You mean landing, her mother insisted. Not landinging.

Being corrected twice in a row at her own birthday party was too much for Amelia. She immediately started sobbinging.

No one knew what to do. Then her next-door neighbor, Franklin David Peppermouth, had a good idea: Hey Amelia, you should open the gifts, he said.

Great idea, Franklin! Amelia brightened. But you werent invited to this party, I dont know how you got in here, and you really should go home.

Oh, said Franklin as he walked out.

Amelia smiled and laughed and cheered as she opened present after present. Her mother had told all the gift-givers how much Amelia liked airplanes, so everyone gave her something to do with flight.

She got a fancy plane.

A plain plane.

A fancy plane used by farmers to drop grain.

Also a plain grain plane.

A plain grain plane made in Maine (from Wayne).

The same plain grain plane made in Maine (from Jane).

And her favorite gift of all: One-hundred tiny bags of stale peanuts that shed someday be able to give out when she was a real aviator with a real plane and real passengers.

See, that was Amelias dream. And no one, absolutely no one, could stop Amelia when she was dreaminging.

Sometime during Amelias year in fourth grade, her mother took her for a hearing test. The test proved that Amelias hearing was fine.

The next year, her mother took her for a vision test. The test proved that Amelias vision was fine.

And one year later, her mother took her for a dental exam. The exam proved that Amelias teeth were fine.

In fact, they were better than fine.

Yes indeedy, youve got the most beautiful teeth within 62.6 miles, her dentist, Dr. Young, told her that day. In fact, Id like to remove all of your teeth so I can show my other patients just how well youve taken care of them.

No! said Amelia.

Please? begged her dentist. After all, there are so many kids who dont practice proper dental hygiene, and if I could just show them how white and healthy your teeth are, I know theyd want to do a better job on theirs.

Absolutely not, said Amelia.

Id be happy to hang them on the wall in a showcase, with a sign that says, Just lookat how well Amelia Earhart takes care of her teeth.

If you displayed all my teeth, what would I do at mealtime? the girl wanted to know.

Have soup, the dentist replied. Soup is yummy.

I cant have soup at every meal! Amelia said.

Of course not, the dentist told her. But there are plenty of other chew-less foods you can enjoy, like pudding, gelatin, and cotton candy he told her.

But cotton candy is so sugary, its bad for my teeth! Amelia exclaimed.

Not if theyre hanging on my wall! the doctor insisted.

Forget it! Amelia blurted out as she jumped out of the chair.

Its not for me, Amelia. Just think of little Timmy Borden, who has an appointment later today. He always shows up with rotten, smelly teeth and disgusting, oozing gums that are so horrible that I cant even talk about themeven though I pretty much just did.

Its out of the question, Amelia insisted. I am leaving here with my perfectly wonderful teeth.

All of them? the dentist wanted to know.

All of them.

Okay, the dentist sighed. Ill see you in six months.

Thank you, said Amelia, deep down knowing she probably had to look for a new dentist.

I am now going to write on the board all about the miracle of man being able to soar in an airplane, Amelia Earharts fifth-grade teacher announced early one morning.

Amelia couldnt contain her excitement. And although she was usually a perfectly well-behaved student, upon hearing what her teacher said, Amelia shouted out, Within ten years, I am going to do that!

The kids laughed at the rather loud interruption. They laughed even more when the teacher smiled and told Amelia, Young lady, I believe that is something you can do right now. Today. There is simply no reason for you to wait ten years!

Why thank you, Mrs. Borden! Amelia yelled to her teacher, who was a wonderful, wonderful educator though not so terrific when it came to taking care of her sons teeth. But that was another matter.

Amelia immediately ran to the clothes closet and took out a large suitcase. Then she opened it and pulled out an aviators helmet, an aviators scarf, an aviators jacket, and some printed flyers about the upcoming Spring Carnival. She stuffed the flyers back into the bag and quickly put on the helmet, scarf, and jacket.