Alan Katz - The Lieography of Babe Ruth: The Absolutely Untrue, Totally Made Up, 100% Fake Life Story of Baseballs Greatest Slugger

Dedication:

To the New York Mets

Tie score. Ninth inning. Second and third, two outs. Mike Dribbleman at bat with a three-two count.

Ball four! Dribbleman jogged to first to load the bases! And everyone knew the big, big, big slugger was on deck.

The men in the crowd yelled, Oooh! The women in the crowd yelled, Aaah! And people listening at home on their radios heard all the excitement and yelled, Wowwww!

The seven-year-old big, big, big slugger was stepping toward the plate.

When youre a seven-year-old big, big, big slugger, and everyone in Philadelphia is standing around the field cheering, thats a pretty special moment (especially when the game is in Baltimore, cause thats a long way for the entire town of Philadelphia to have traveled).

Thatd be a heap of pressure for most ballplayers. But nothing, absolutely nothing bothered Ruth Herman George. Why, he had pressure for lunch every day, along with forty-two meatballs and a canned ham. Including the can.

Ruth stepped up to the plate and boldly pointed to the hot dog stand beyond the fence in center field. As he studied the stand, he said to himself, After the game, Im going to enjoy their all-you-can-eat hot dog special.

Now, the stand didnt have an all-you-can-eat hot dog special, but again, that didnt bother Ruth Herman George. Nothing did.

Ruth picked up the bat and rubbed it under his left armpit for good luck. The men in the crowd yelled, Oooh! The women in the crowd yelled, Aaah! And the people listening at home on their radios heard all the excitement and said, What? What did he do? We cant see it! Waaaaaa!

The pitcher looked in for the sign. Fastball. Strike one! And just like that, another fastball. Two strikes! Ruth dug into the batters box, and as the third pitch came sailing in, he swung and sent a foul ball back into the crowd with such force that it knocked a little girls iPhone out of her hands!

Sorry, Ruth yelled. Cause although nothing bothered him, he did feel bad smashing peoples things, especially when they were valuable items that wouldnt be invented until nearly a century later.

But even worse than breaking the iPhone was the fact that Ruths mighty swing had destroyed the teams only bat. It was the bat hed used to hit ninety-six home runs that seasonin exactly that many at batsand now it was, well, toothpicks.

No bat, games over! yelled the pitcher.

Yeah, no bat, games over! yelled the catcher, who often repeated what the pitcher said.

But Ruth just shrugged, got in the batters box, and started waving an invisible bat. Just throw the ball! he barked at the pitcher.

The pitcher laughed. The catcher laughed. And Ruth Herman George just grunted.

The pitcher looked in for the sign. The catcher showed two fingers, which either meant the curveballor two fastballs. Since the pitcher only had one ball in his glove, he decided it must have meant curveball.

He gripped the ball, glared at the batter, and released a giant curveball toward the bat-less batter.

As the pitch crossed the plate, Ruth swungwith his stiffened armand connected! A mighty blast! Going, going, gone!

The men in the crowd yelled, Oooh! The women in the crowd yelled, Aaah! A little kid in the crowd yelled, He hit a grand slam with his arm? I dont believe it! And the people at home said, Thank you, kid! Finally we know whats going on!

Ruth Herman George was a hero that day, just as hed been all season. And just as hed be for many seasons to come.

But his life hadnt always been so glory-filled

Its a boy! announced the nurse.

Its a big boy! announced the other nurse.

Hoo boy, what a boy! announced the doctor. Why, hes practically a man!

Yes, the baby was so huge at birth, its surprising he didnt go on to play for the Giants. In fact, its somewhat surprising he didnt play for the Giants the day he was born.

The nurses wrapped the kid in his first diaperwell actually, a queen-size blanketand together tried to lift the kid.

Ruth, time to give the mother her man, said the doctor. Lou, you help.

Yes, Dr. George, said the nurses.

Wait! I love that name! the kids mother shouted. Well call him Ruth. Ruth Her Man. Ruth Her Man George.

The room was silent. Nurse Ruth wept. Dr. George teared up a little. And Lou bawled.

Heyyyy, why arent you naming him after me too? Lou demanded to know as he whimpered.

Frankly, your pants are a little crumpled, and you remind me of my cousin, Henry, who once stepped on my prized rose bush and caused me to lose the neighborhood flower contest and the million-dollar grand prize, and even though he said he was sorry, I never really forgave him or his clumsiness.

I understand perfectly, said Lou as he dried his tears. And I dont blame you one bit.

It was a nice moment in room 714 at UNCLE AN HOSPITAL.

Ruth Herman George and his mother were squooshed into the bed, and his dad passed out celebration tuna sandwiches to the doctor, the nurses, and the guy mopping the floor in the corner. Then he gave one to his wife. But before she could take a bite, their newborn snatched it and gobbled it in one giant gulp.

What was that? asked Dr. George.

What just happened? asked his dad.

What, no mayo? asked the newborn.

Most babies start walking right around their first birthday. But not Ruth Herman George (Her Man quickly became one word because his mother considered the capital letter M as unlucky as black cats, the number 13, or licking the rim of the ketchup bottle on a Tuesday). Ruth Herman George walked at two months old. He ran at three months old. And he slid headfirst into his bed at four months old.

What did he do at five months old? Well, no one knows how his familys house suddenly got a brand-new roof one morning, but the kid had gotten up very early that day, his parents were still sleeping, and the neighbors did hear a very young voice saying, Ruth make roof, Ruth make roof, Ruth make roof, over and over and over again.

On the boys first birthday, just as his mother and dad were singing, Happy birthday dear Ruth Herman Georrrrge, there was a sharp knock at the front door. But no one heard it, and the man who was knocking just walked away.

The parents watched in delight as their son blew out the candle and ate his entire cake. They were even more delighted as he burped a cute little burp, looked up at them and said, Againno mayo?

Exactly 312 days later, Ruth Herman George was walking in the park with his grandmother. They walked past a baseball field, and the little boy took his grandmothers hand and said, Grandmother, someday I will hit majestic home runs on a field just like this one.