Robert Asprin - Myth-Told Tales (Myth, Book 13)

By Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye

I answered the door of the inn in my most repulsive dis-guise.

Yeah? I asked the two small children who looked up at the one-eyed, white-haired rogue with five teeth, tan-gled hair, bizarrely twisted features, and visible insects crawling in and out of his clothes. They didn't retreat a pace.

Is the haunted house open? the older one asked. Yeah! the little one said, staring at me with open curiosity. We wanna see all the monsters! Monsters? I asked, puzzled.

Yeah! Draggins and wivverns and yuni-corns and creaky floors and stuff! We heard about it in town.

No, I -said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my pet dragon Gleep charging for the door. He loved to answer the door. I put a foot into his chest to keep him from sticking his nose around the edge. "No monsters

here. Now Buttercup wanted to know what was going on, and you can't deter a war unicorn as easily as you can a baby dragon who'd impressed upon you. Nope. Just a law-abiding, boring old guy living quietly by himself. I could see them starting to become afraid now. I smiled wistfully. They started to back away nervously. Just a lonely old man who'd love to have company to while away the hours. Sorry." I slammed the door shut on them just before Buttercup put his muzzle under my arm.

Stop it, you guys, I protested, being nuzzled by a dragon on one side and snuffled by a unicorn on the other. Gleep and Buttercup looked hurt. I keep telling you to stay out of sight. Now the townspeople have seen you. Can you believe it? A haunted house! And they want to come in. I wish Bunny was here.

Bunny, my former accountant, was staying here at the old inn with me, running interference and pretty much keeping house so that I could get on with my magikal studies. She'd gone off on vacation a few days before. I hadn't realized until she had been gone how lonely it was in the sprawling building by myself. Alone, as I said, ex-cept for two exuberant pets.

I let the disguise spell drop. I always had to use one when I opened the door. Nobody in Klahd would be im-pressed or frightened by my normal appearance. I was young, for one thing, tall but thin, with a thatch of blond hair, and I'd been told that my blue eyes reminded them of Gleep's. When I looked in a mirror I couldn't see the same innocent wide expression, but I'd been assured by Aahz that it was there.

Come on, you guys. Let's have lunch.

I wasn't much of a cook, being used to leaning out the door of our tent at the Bazaar on Deva and being in reach of every kind of cuisine from every dimension, some de-licious and toothsome, some more frightening to smell or look at than any disguise I'd ever put on. My cooking was somewhere in between, but Gleep ate everything, and Buttercup was always content with his fodder.

The kitchen, as befit one in a building constructed to serve a houseful of guests, was enormous. I kept a small fire going in one of the baking ovens instead of the huge ingle that comprised a whole wall shared with the rest of the inn. We usually ate at a small table tucked in the alcove beside it, cosy and warm. Formality was pointless, since we never had guests, and I could keep my back to the wall.

I dished up stew that had been bubbling away in a closed pot among the embers of the fire. One generous portion for me, five for Gleep. (He also caught his own meals from among the rodents in the barn, but I didn't want to know about that.) It hadn't burned, for which I was grateful, since we were short on supplies. Going into town to shop always elicited curiosity from the merchants and townsfolk as to who I was, where I came from, and what was going on in the old inn. I used to think they were just friendly, but experience made me question everybody's motives. I wasn't sure that was a good thing. I turned all the queries back on those who were asking, inquiring how they were, whether the prize cow had had her calf yet, and so on. I was thought of as a friendly guy, probably the ser-vant of the old man at the inn, yet no one knew much about me. I was content with that, since I wasn't ready to answer those questions myself.

Not bad, I said, tasting the squirrel-rat stew. I trapped animals for meat in the woods outside, and grew a few vegetables, skills learned long ago from my farmer father. My mother had taught me basic cooking, but I'd picked up a few hints over the years. Gleep stuffed his face into the washing bowl that served as his food dish when he ate inside. A happy gleep echoed out of the earthen-ware. I looked around for the wineskin. Still more than half full, I was pleased to note, as I poured myself a glass. So I hadn't unconsciously drunk more than I should have. My habits were getting better. I wished Aahz was there to see.

A loud POP ! sounded in the center of the room. I jumped to my feet and drew my belt knife. Travel between dimensions was accomplished using incantations, spells or D-hoppers, magikal devices one dialed to reach the right destination. I had enemies as well as friends.

To my relief, it was only Bunny. I relaxed for a split second, then, at the sight of the expression on her face, scooted out around the table to meet her. Her normally immaculate clothes were disheveled, and she looked as though she'd been crying.

What's wrong? I asked.

I helped her to sit down and poured her a glass of wine. She downed the glass in one gulp, something I've never seen the ladylike Bunny do.

She looked at me, her large blue eyes rimmed with red. I noticed that her lids were crusted with a noxious-looking green paste, and her eyelashes had been dipped in black tar, making them stick out in spiky clusters.

Oh, Skeeve, I need your help!

For what? I frowned. Did something happen on your vacation?

Bunny looked abashed. I wasn't on vacation. I asked for a few days off so I could see my uncle. Don Bruce asked me to do him a favor. He said I was the only one he could trust to do it.

Her uncle, Don Bruce, the Fairy Godfather of the Mob, had for years employed M.Y.T.H. Inc. to look after its business interests in the Bazaar at Deva. He'd sent Bunny to me in hopes that I'd marry her, to make ties be-tween his operation and mine closer. I prefer to choose my own girlfriends, and I admit I had sold Bunny short when I first met her. Since then I'd come to appreciate her intelligence. She was our accountant and book-keeper. If Don Bruce had sent her on an errand, it was probably a tough one.

He sent me to get a device called a Bub Tube for him from a dimension called Trofi, she continued. I tried, Skeeve, but I just can't get it. It's too much for me. Her face contorted, and she burst into tears. I really can't do this.

I hunted up a clean handkerchief and pushed it into her hands. I can't believe Don Bruce would send you into a really dangerous situation without backup.

Oh, Skeeve, I wish it was dangerous!

What? I asked. Why? What do you have to do?

She lifted her face, now smudged with black and green. Primp, parade, put on enough makeup to cover a dragon, sing, dance, wear a swimsuit in front of a panel of ogling judges, and, throughout the whole thing smile!

That's demeaning, I said, shuddering. In her place I would rather have faced an active volcano.

That's what I mean, Bunny wailed, wringing the handkerchief between her hands. She was normally so composed. I was worried. I hate it.

Couldn't I just go in, as a businessman, and meet with the owners of the Bub Tube face-to-face? I could probably negotiate for it. After working with Aahz for so many years I've gotten pretty good at it. If Don Bruce is involved, money should be no object... She shook her head. I frowned. I could steal it. My skills are pretty rusty after all this time, but now that I've been practicing magik ...