Robert Asprin - Myth-Gotten Gains (Myth, Book 17)

I SWAGGERED AS I led the others out of the booth, lead- ing them deftly through a party of drunken Vikings negotiat-ing for hide-covered shields. We shoved past an Imp buying yard goods in colors nature never intended, and swung wide around a party of gaping Kobolds taking snapshots of an eight-armed juggler, whose partner was picking their pock-ets. As we went past a cross street Calypsa went weak at the knees.

What is that stink? she gasped, staggering. I caught a strong, malodorous whiff that made me smile. Pervish cooking, I said. The restaurant's not far away.

No, Tananda said firmly. "Hasn't she been through enough

in the last few days? There's no reason to subject her to your

kind of food."

I lowered my eyebrows. It had been a while since I had tasted home cooking. Tananda gave me one of those looks that meant business, as in we were engaged in business, and pleasure would have to wait I thought about it. We could split up, but that only meant double the chances that some of the free-lance brigands that shopped the Bazaar could get a crack at the goods we were carrying. I sighed.

Instead, I headed for the Yellow Crescent Inn, where my buddy Gus the Gargoyle pulled strawberry milkshakes for those discerning customers who could use a little privacy when they ate lunch The Yellow Crescent's food was bland, because the diners liked it that way. I could eat it, but I considered it no more than fodder.

To my relief, the other patrons who were in the Inn were all strangers. We didn't have any trouble taking possession of a corner booth, where both Tanda and I could have our backs to the wall. Gus waved to us with a broad stone hand, then came around the counter to greet us.

Hey, Aahz, long time no see! he said, extending bone-crushing handgrips with us. "You been away?

Hey, Tananda. You look lovely, as usual."

Hi, Gus, she said, warmly.

The usual?

She nodded. I grunted. Yeah.

Gus turned to Calypsa.

"How about you, honey? You're a Walt, ain't you? Don't get a lot of your kind here on Deva. What'll it

be? Milkshake on the house for a friend of my pal here."

Calypsa looked confused, so I shook my head.

Let the kid here see the menu, Gus, and make sure no one interrupts us, okay? We've got a little business to discuss. No problem, Gus said. He left a greasy parchment by Calypsa and went back to the counter.

Okay, Asti, I said, plunking the cup on the table. In her sorry condition no one in the room paid much attention to her. The toys that came with the kids' meals looked more impres-sive than she did. Let's talk. There's a few things you gotta understand.

Oh, I understand, Asti said blithely. You and this green floozy...

Trollop, please, Tananda said, with some asperity.

"As you please...you are a pair of hired hands. Have I got that wrong? If not, then I suggest you listen

to this lass. She's your employer, isn't she? She has persuaded you to join her on a mission that tugs at the heartstrings' to save her beloved grandfather. I look forward to hearing the whole tale later, natu-rally. I love a good tearjerker. And she wants to treat me with the honor that I must inform you I am due. I suggest you listen to her. Obviously, she knows her history. I have anointed kings and queens, blessed babies, cured poison, elicited truth, sealed oaths, toasted dynastic marriages...I'm the stuff of legends, baby, and don't you forget it!"

So, what if we do find you a different container. Is that going to make you cooperate? No more floods?

Possibly, Asti said, the line on her bowl curving upward.

I heard some hubbub coming from Calypsa's side of the table. Muffled exclamations were coming from the disguised sword. Alarmed, the girl hoisted him off her back and put him on the table, blade half out of his scabbard.

Friend Aahz, Ersatz said. I could see the one baleful eye looking out of the torn leather at me. At least I counted you friend! Until now.

What's the matter with you? I asked.

The eye blazed. You have promised good gold for a pol-ished and bejeweled husk to carry this wretched, leaky vessel in stateand you have not extended the same to me!

What? I demanded.

Aye, and I had come to believe that you had respect for me. You, who recognized my quality. You, who bought me out of tchochkedom and who are bearing me forward into an honor-able destiny. You, who know my history, back as far as the mysterious fires that gave me birth. You who know the battles I have fought. YOUwould let me go on in this worn and limp scabbard while Asti has a new case to contain her pa-thetically beaten form?

Oh, yes, Asti piped up. And I want you to find a gold-smith to tap me out again. No sense in continuing to look like the last target on the fence. Oh, and you might see if he can find me a replacement for the oval chalcedony on my foot. I noticed a chip out of it, just at the base...

I glanced from her back to Ersatz. No.

No, what? Asti asked.

No to a polish job, and no to a brand new scabbard. And no, I added, as Kelsa started protesting from Tananda's sub-stantial purse, to a monogrammed miniature bowling bag to contain the world's most talkative crystal ball!

They all burst out talking at once.

Quiet, I shouted.

They quieted. I leaned toward Asti, making sure she got a good look at my bared teeth.

First of all, dixie-cup, I may have taken on a job and need your cooperation to complete it, but you never call my friend Tananda names again. Do you understand? You may be an immortal treasure and have a hundred songs sung about your exploits, but you're still a piece of metal. I can flatten you and use you for a bookmark in my copy of the Perva Sutra. Got that? Second, just because we are working for Calypsa, the arrangement is temporary. When it's over, I'll be a private citizen again, so don't treat me like the help. When she's done with you, you'll be out of immunity cards. Get me?

My goodness, he can be touchy, can't he? Asti appealed to Tananda. Very well. I apologize for assuming you have no morals. But look at the way you dress!

What, this old thing? Tananda asked, tugging at her neck-line so that her assets jiggled fetchingly. You should see me when I want to attract attention.

The fact remains, Ersatz said, regaining the floor, that I, too, merit presentation in a more fitting sheath.

I thought that one fit fine, I said, but he didn't give me any credit for my wit. Trust a straight sword not to have a sense of humor. He carried on without changing expression.

This slip is not meet, nor spruce, nor any of the things that I could wish. It protects my edge and, yea, provides me with some anonymity, but as you can see, friend Aahz, it is falling apart! Surely your leather-working associate back there can fashion something in which I will not be ashamed to be seen?

Be fair, Aahz, Calypsa said, batting those long black lashes of hers.

And who is going to pay for this meet sheath? I coun-tered.

Well, the Walt said, lowering her head in embarrassment. 'Tou are."

To fit me out sweetly, I am certain that Chin-Hwag will add the price to your fee, Ersatz said, "with an emolument

for making the outlay, of course. She and I were always well disposed to one another."

Oh, that's it! Asti said. You promised him a big reward from the Endless Purse as well as restoring his powers! My goodness, I thought you were assisting this girl for the sake of her grandfather! I wish I could give you Scarolzzi fever again, you...you Pervert!

That's Pervect! I growled.

Her accusation stung, but it was the truth. Why hide from it? I was doing Calypsa a favor. So what if I got something in exchange for my help? I wanted my powers back. If I could get them by collecting the whole set of Franklin Talkative Trea-sures, then I'd do it. I've done worse.