Robert Asprin - Sweet Myth-tery of Life (Myth, Book 10)

ROBERT L. ASPRIN

Is it just me, or does it seem to you I get more than my share of troubles? JOB

AND SO, TO recap, the situation is this

I ticked the points off on my fingers, giving my audience a visual image to reinforce my words.

First, Queen Hemlock wants me to be her consort. Second, shes given me a month to think it over before I reach my decision. Third

I tapped the appropriate finger for emphasis.

If I decide not to marry her, she says shell abdicate, naming me her successor and sticking me with the whole mess. Got that?

Despite my concern over my predicament, I was nonetheless proud of my ability to address the problem head on, summarizing and analyzing it as I sought a solution. There was a time in the not too distant past when I simply would have lapsed into blind panic. If nothing else, my adventures over the years had done wonders for my confidence in my abilities to handle nearly any crisis.

Gleep! my audience responded.

Okay so I wasnt all that confident.

While I knew I could muddle through most crises, the one situation I dreaded the most was making a fool of myself in front of my friends and colleagues. While they had always been unswerving in their loyalty and willingness to bail me out of whatever mess I blundered into, that didnt mean I was particularly eager to tax our friendships yet another time, even if it was just for advice. At the very least, I figured that when I did approach them, I should be as level-headed and mature about it as possible, rather than babbling hysterically about my woes. Consequently, I decided to rehearse my appeal in front of the one member of our crew I felt truly comfortable with my pet dragon.

Ive always maintained that Gleep is quite bright, despite the one-word vocabulary that gave him his name. According to my partner and mentor, Aahz, my pets limited vocal range was merely a sign of his immaturity, and it would expand as he edged toward adulthood. Of course, realizing dragons live several centuries, the odds of my ever having a two-way conversation with Gleep were slim. At times like this, however, I actually appreciated having someone to talk to who could only listen without helpful asides regarding my inability to walk across the street without landing myself and the crew in some kind of trouble.

The trouble is, I continued, what with all the problems and disasters Ive had to cope with over the years, not to mention trying to be president of M.Y.T.H. Inc., I havent had much time for a love life, like, none at all and I sure havent given any thought to getting married] I mean, I havent ever really reached a decision on whether or not I want to get married at all, much less when or to who.

Gleep cocked his head to one side, to all appearances hanging on my every word.

Of course, I do know Im not wild about the alternative. I had a chance to play king once and that was twice too often, thank you. It was bad enough when I was just being a stand-in for Roderick, but the idea of trying to run the kingdom by myself, as myself, and forever, not just for a few days, well, thats flat out terrifying. The question is, is it more or less terrifying than the idea of being married to Queen Hemlock?

My pet responded to my dilemma by vigorously chewing at an itch on his foot.

Thanks a lot, Gleep old boy, I said, smiling wryly despite my ill humor. While I obviously hadnt really expected any glowing words of advice from my dragon, I had at least thought my problems were serious enough to hold his attention. I might as well be talking to Aahz. At least he looks at me while hes chewing me out.

Still smiling, I picked up the goblet of wine I had brought with me for moral support and started to take a sip.

Oh, Aahz isnt so bad.

For a startled moment, I thought Gleep had answered me. Then I realized the voice had come from behind me, not from my pet. A quick glance over my shoulder confirmed my worst fears. My partner, green scales, pointed teeth and all, was leaning against the wall not ten feet from where I stood, and had apparently been listening to my whole oration.

Hi, Aahz, I said, covering my embarrassment with a forced smile. I didnt hear you come in. Sorry about that last comment, but Ive been a little

Dont worry about it, Skeeve, he interrupted with a wave of dismissal. If thats the worst youve had to say about me over the years, I figure weve been doing pretty well. I do lean on you kinda hard from time to time. I guess thats gotten to be my way of dealing with stress.

Aahz seemed calm enough in fact, he seemed to be suspiciously calm. While I wasnt wild about his shouting at me, at least it was consistent. This new display of reasonability was making me uneasy rather like suddenly noticing the sun just rose in the west.

So what are you doing here, partner? I said, trying to sound casual.

I was looking for you. It occurred to me that you might need a sympathetic ear while you figured out what to do next.

Again, a small warning gong went off in the back of my mind. Of all the phrases that might occur to me to describe Aahzs interaction with me in the past, a sympathetic ear wasnt one of them.

How did you know where I was?

I was dodging the issue, but genuinely curious as to how Aahz found me. I had taken great pains to slip down to the Royal Stables unnoticed.

It wasnt hard, Aahz said, flashing a grin as he jerked his thumb at the door. Youve got quite a crowd hanging around outside.

I do?

Sure. Pookie may be a bit mouthy for my taste, but she knows her stuff as a bodyguard. I think shes been tailing you from the time you left your room.

Pookie was the new bodyguard I had acquired during my recent trip to Perv before I knew she was Aahzs cousin.

Thats funny, I scowled. I never saw her.

Hey, I said she was good, my partner winked. Just because she respects your privacy and stays out of sight doesnt mean shes going to let you wander around unescorted. Anyway, I guess Guido spotted her and decided to tag along hes been following her around like a puppy ever since they met and, of course, that meant Nunzio had to come, too, and Well, the end result is youve got all three of your bodyguards posted outside the door to see to it that you arent disturbed.

Terrific. I start out looking for a little privacy and end up leading a parade.

So, what do you think, Aahz? I asked.

I knew I was going to get his opinion sooner or later, and figured I might as well ask outright and get it over with.

About what?

About my problem, I clarified.

What problem?

Sorry. I thought you had been listening when I explained it to Gleep. Im talking about the whole situation with Queen Hemlock.

I know, my partner said. And I repeat, what problem?

What problem! I was starting to lose it a little, which is not an unusual result of talking to Aahz. Dont you think

Hold on a second, partner, Aahz said, holding up his hand. Do you remember the situation when we first met?

Sure.

Let me refresh you memory, anyway. Your old mentor, Garkin, had just been killed, and there was every chance you were next on the hit list. Right?

Right. But

Now that was a problem, Hecontinued as if I hadnt spoken. Just like it was a problem when you had to stop Big Julies army with a handful of misfits realizing that, if you were successful, Grimble was threatening to have you killed or worse when you returned to the palace.

I remember.

And when you decided to try to clear me of that murder rap over on Limbo, a dimension which just happens to be filled with vampires and werewolves, Id say that was a problem, too.