Lawson - Lets pretend this never happened : (a mostly true memoir)

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Copyright 2012 by Jenny Lawson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Endpaper art: Wildlife Madeleine Northey, 2012. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lawson, Jenny, date.

Lets pretend this never happened : (a mostly true memoir) / Jenny Lawson.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-57308-2

1. Lawson, Jenny. 2. JournalistsUnited StatesBiography. 3. Humorists, American21st centuryBiography. I. Title. II. Title: Lets pretend this never happened.

PN4874.L285A3 2012 2011050662

070.92dc23

Printed in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

BOOK DESIGN BY NICOLE LAROCHE

Although the incidents in this book are substantially as I remember them, the names and certain identifying features of some people portrayed in it have been changed to protect their privacy. ~ Jenny Lawson

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the authors alone.

ALWAYS LEARNING

PEARSON

This book is a love letter to my family. Its about the surprising discovery that the most terribly human momentsthe ones we want to pretend never happenedare the very same moments that make us who we are today. Ive reserved the very best stories of my life for this book... to celebrate the strange, and to give thanks for the bizarre. Because you are defined not by lifes imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracingrather than running screaming fromthe utter absurdity of life. I thank my family for teaching me that lesson. In spades.

I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book, except for that guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight because he thought I was being too rowdy.

Youre an asshole, sir.

Introduction

This book is totally true, except for the parts that arent. Its basically like Little House on the Prairie but with more cursing. And I know, youre thinking, But Little House on the Prairie was totally true! and no, Im sorry, but it wasnt. Laura Ingalls was a compulsive liar with no fact-checker, and probably if she was still alive today her mom would be saying, I dont know how Laura came up with this whole Im-a-small-girl-on-the-prairie story. We lived in New Jersey with her aunt Frieda and our dog, Mary, who was blinded when Laura tried to bleach a lightning bolt on her forehead. I have no idea where she got the and we lived in a dugout thing, although we did take her to Carlsbad Caverns once.

And thats why Im better than Laura Ingalls. Because my story is ninety percent accurate, and I really did live in a dugout.

Did you notice how, like, half of this introduction was a rambling parenthetical? That shit is going to happen all the time. I apologize in advance for that, and also for offending you, because youre going to get halfway through this book and giggle at non sequiturs about Hitler and abortions and poverty, and youll feel superior to all the uptight, easily offended people who need to learn how to take a fucking joke, but then somewhere in here youll read one random thing that youre sensitive about, and everyone else will think its hysterical, but youll think, Oh, that is way over the line. I apologize for that one thing. Honestly, I dont know what I was thinking.

I never actually lived in a dugout. But I did totally go to Carlsbad Caverns once.

When I read these stories to friends Im always shocked when they stop me to ask, Wait, is that true? during the most accurate of all of the stories. The things that have been changed are mainly names and dates, but the stories you think couldnt possibly have happened? Those are the real ones. As in real life, the most horrible stories are the ones that are the truest. And, as in real life, the reverse is true as well.

I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist

Call me Ishmael. I wont answer to it, because its not my name, but its much more agreeable than most of the things Ive been called. Call me that-weird-chick-who-says-fuck-a-lot is probably more accurate, but Ishmael seems classier, and it makes a way more respectable beginning than the sentence Id originally written, which was about how Id just run into my gynecologist at Starbucks and she totally looked right past me like she didnt even know me. And so I stood there wondering whether thats something she does on purpose to make her clients feel less uncomfortable, or whether she just genuinely didnt recognize me without my vagina. Either way, its very disconcerting when people whove been inside your vagina dont acknowledge your existence. Also, I just want to clarify that I dont mean without my vagina like I didnt have it with me at the time. I just meant that I wasnt, you know... displaying it while I was at Starbucks. Thats probably understood, but I thought I should clarify, since its the first chapter and you dont know that much about me. So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. Its like my American Express card. (In that I dont leave home without it. Not that I use it to buy stuff with.)

This book is a true story about me and my battle with leukemia, and (