Boyle - The Tea Party guide to being a real American : arming yourself against godless liberals, dirty socialists, and sexy ideas

Copyright 2011 by Roland Boyle

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Internal photos: courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 1; Alex Wong/Getty, p. 7; courtesy of Joey Weiser, p. 12; courtesy of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, p. 15; Jim Watson/Getty, p. 17; courtesy of hankgilbert.com, p. 21; gun photos AF archive/Alamy, Antony Platt/Dreamstime.com, Balefire9/Dreamstime.com, Buriy/Dreamstime.com, ewg3D/iStockphoto, Horst Gossmann/Dreamstime.com, Fotosergio/Dreamstime.com, Goce Risteski/Dreamstime.com, zlotysfor/iStockphoto, Brand X Pictures/PunchStock, p.2324; photo by Pfc. Christopher Grammer, p. 32; Mark Wilson/Getty, p. 34; Hiroko Masuike/Getty, p. 35; John Moore/ Getty, p. 36; David Becker/Getty, p. 37; AFP/Getty, p. 38; photo by Gage Skidmore, p. 39; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 62; Brendan Smialowski/Getty, p. 66; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 73; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 74; photo by Pete Souza, p. 80; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 83; photo by Justin Kendall, The Pitch, p. 87; photo by Hilary Richardson, p. 90; Tea Party protester illustration Revilo, p. 91; Tea Party Protester illustration Revilo, p. 92; Tea Party protester illustration Revilo, p. 96; photo by Hilary Richardson, p. 100; courtesy of the United States Department of Justice, p. 118; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 119; courtesy of Harbin, p. 121; photo by Gage Skidmore, p. 142; photo by Nate Mandos, p. 149; photo by Fanny Bouton, p. 149; photo by Corporal Lynn Murillo, p. 150; photo by jonathanhstrauss, p. 150; photo by John VanderHaagen, p. 150; photo by Alan Light, p. 150; photo by Jerry Avenaim, p. 151; photo by David Shankbone, p. 152; photo by Ryan McFarland, p. 160; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 179; courtesy of the U.S. Department of Defense, p. 180; courtesy of the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, p. 182; courtesy of Trish Adlesic, p. 185; courtesy by the Marine Photobank, p. 186; photo by Truejustice, p. 189; photo by Kjetil Bjrnsrud, p. 190; photo by Colin Chou, p. 191; photo by NASA, p. 192; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 193; Mark Wilson/Getty, p. 194; photo by HKDP, p. 196; courtesy of the Library of Congress, p. 202; Mark Wilson/Getty, p. 213; photo courtesy of the U.S. government, p. 215; Mark Wilson/Getty, p. 215; Washington Post/Getty, p. 215; Tom Williams/Getty, p. 220; courtesy of the United State Sentate, p. 220; photo by Medineli, p. 223; photo by Christians United for Israel, p. 232; photo by Luke X. Martin, p. 237; photo by T&G Mardikes, p. 239

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Boyle, Roland.

The Tea Party guide to being a real American : arming yourself against godless liberals, dirty socialists, and sexy ideas / Roland Boyle.

p. cm.

1. Political participationUnited StatesHumor. 2. Tea Party movementHumor. 3. Tea Party PatriotsHumor. 4. PatriotismUnited StatesHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.P6B64 2011

818.602dc23

2011018812

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

THE AUTHOR WOULD LIKE to acknowledge his inestimable debt to Adam Chromy of Artists & Artisans, literary manager extraordinaire, who told me to shut the hell up and write this book; and to Peter Lynch and Anne Hartman at Sourcebooks who rolled the dice on an unknown and didnt even yell craps when the first draft deserved it.

Thanks to Jill Lepore, whose splendid book, The Whites of Their Eyes, should be required reading in our oppressive, socialist public schools, and whose lecture at the Kansas City Public Library I attended and got her to sign my copy of said book, but where my favorite muffler was stolen, probably by liberals, because they think they can just take your stuff. Thanks a lot, liberals.

Thanks also to Coby Beck whose explanations of so- called climate science at http://scienceblogs.com/illconsidered/about.php are clear and accessible, although it is unclear why he hates America so much that he believes in global warming.

Big frackin thanks to everybody who helped make the movie Gasland (especially Josh Fox, Debra Winger, and Trish Adlesic); and to the natural gas lobby, which has been funny, acrobatic, and free-spending in its attempts to discredit the film.

Thanks Dan Taylor, Emily Howard, and Ned Axthelm, for the state of jokes and jokes of states, and to Oliver Christianson, the greatest Revilo of all time.

And biggest, most unrepayable thanks to my family, Penny, Jonah, Emily, and Oliver, whose patience as I ignored them all to work on this book was that of Job, which is like a job, except it takes more time. I love you almost as much as I love America. Maybe as much. Maybe more. OK, more.

THIS BOOK IS ON your side. Its not like all the others.

Other books are out to get you. You know the ones: novels that crush your spirit, sexy books with filthy sex in them, celebrity bios that make your life look like homemade caca by comparison. Other books are the work of the devil.

At the very least, theyre selling something: diet plans, new age relationship advice, andworst of allideas. Other books spread ideas like deadly mold spores into the bathroom of your mind, mucking up the clean white tile of your thoughts and staining the grout of your morals, because the exhaust fan of your judgment is, well, exhausted.

Yet judge we must. Theres so much wrongness (see Chapter 4)! So much to protest (see Chapter 5)! So many Tea Party parties, so little gun control (see Chapter 2)! This book will help you make the right judgments, find the right parties, and right the right wrongs. It will confirm you as a Real American, which means being right, right, right.

America is always right. Its always had the right answers when history asked the big questions, such as: What are you doing with that tea? (1773). How far will you go to preserve the Union? (18611865). How do you spot communists? (1950s/60s). Bin Laden was living in a mansion in the middle of a Pakistani suburb, and it took ten years to find him? (2011).

This book, like America, has the answers. Good thing, too, as we are now faced with the most important question ever in the history of mankind. Thats because all people in the history of mankind believe they are the most important people in the history of mankind. The question is simple: