Kristen Schaal - Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Illustrations by Michael Kupperman and Lisa Hanawalt

Sex is the most powerful and important thing in the universe, and if youre not instantly good at it, you probably never will be and every-one will laugh at you.

This is something you should know before even attempting sex.

Fortunately, you are holding The Ultimate Guide to Sex: Unabridged, Un-Spell-Checked, and Uncircumsized, completed in the Year of Our Loins Two Thousand and Ten by Ms. Kristen Schaal and Mr. Rich Blomquist and subsequently redubbed The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex because the aforementioned title had already been taken. So, relax. Youre in good hands.

But BEWARE!!! This sexy knowledge comes with a terrible price:

First, a suggested retail of $24.95 ($29.95 in Canada). Admittedly on the high end for this type of book, but the authors have to eat.

Second -and far more important- after you have read this book, thereis no going back.

Once absorbed, the lessons contained in The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex cannot be unlearned. Armed with the bawdy wisdom on any given page, you could easily spend the rest of your life orgasming your brains out, neglecting your friendships, your career, and every other aspect of your life that doesnt involve constant genital stimulation. To call you a mindless sex zombie would be putting it gently. And perhaps the scariest part: you would be completely satisfied... as would your legions of sexual partners.

If so, turn the page.

Note: In turning this page, You, hereafter referred to as Reader, hereby absolve the Authors of any and all liability for consequences suffered as a result of the sexy lessons contained herein, including but not limited to sex zombism, either mindless or mindful.

This publication is intended to be a comprehensive guide to sex and all things sex-related, from courtship, to foreplay, to more foreplay to just a little more foreplay to actually banging. Great care and effort were taken to make this book as complete as possible. If you can think of a sex question not answered in this manual, its only because federal, state, or local laws prohibit you from asking it. It is NOT because the authors dont know the answer, because we do.

That said, with a book this sexy there will be times you arent interested in learning-jusi in achieving orgasm as quickly and spectacularly as possible. For that reason, the most erotic and titillating parts of this guide are printed in red.

Go ahead. Skip to the steamiest, most profane passages in this jizz-soaked wank rag that dares call itself a book. Feast your eyes and your imagination on forbidden words that were until now onlywhispered by drunken lovers and Japanese businessmen with Tourettes-words like splooge burglar, choad gobbler, and queef nugget. Are you blushing? If so, stop. The sooner you let go of your inhibitions, the sooner you can forgo embarrassment and get that extra face blood into your genitals where it belongs.

As you read, you will no doubt come to associate this guide with pur erotic pleasure. However, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you insert this book into ANY orifice for purposes of sexual gratification. It is bound with cheap Chinese glue that will POISON YOU.

Anyone can write a book. But not everyone can live a book.

Every sexual technique described in this manual we have tried. Every erogenous zone we have erogenated. Every STD we have suffered fromsometimes for way too longjust to see what would happen. A lot of blood, sweat, and foul-smelling yellow discharge went into the writing of this guide.

Why? Certainly not for profit. No amount of money could make up for the lovemaking sessions we sacrificed so we could slave away at our waterproof Jacuzzi computers. To put it mildly: IT WAS HELL! In fact, we had no intention of becoming authors at all until we came to a boner-chilling realization: THIS BOOK WOULD SAVE LIVES. In fact, its already saved the life of someone very important to us YOU. A few pages ago, the finely tuned sexual instrument that is YOU was dying of a serious disease, your pleasure-starved genitals wasting away from a lack of carnal sustenance. You didnt realize it at the time but you were very sick. To put it in medical terms, you were totally sexorexic.

So what qualifies us to write this book? Thats a funny thing to ask someone who just saved your life.

Where to Hide This Book from your Children

Refrigerator vegetable drawer

In church

Inside any other boring sex book

Sex in Nature

The Origin of the Sexy

Humans did not invent sex.

Like burrowing, scampering, and throwing feces, man owes a debt of gratitude to nature for paving the way. It is because of sex that favorable genes are passed from one generation to the next, making it stronger, healthier, and all-around more fuckable.

But it was homo and hetero sapiens who elevated sex to staggering new heights. Armed with a superior intellect, a relentless desire for better orgasms, and opposable thumbs that could reach our own genitals, we single- and double-handedly transformed sex from merely surviving to really living. In fact, human copulation is widely recognized as the best sex in the universe. It is our greatest achievement and our legacy... and were only getting better at it.

Still, man can learn a lot from animals: how to find an appropriate mate, how to complete the transfer of bodily fluids while looking out for predators, and most important, how to abandon said mate after obtaining sexual gratification with little to no awkwardness (even if it means biting their head off). In many ways, animals are natures sex ed teachers minus the condom and the banana, unless youre watching baboons fuck in the zoo, in which case one of them might have a banana.