Cathy Winks - Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids

Copyright 2004 by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, or other without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review.

Cover illustration: Juliette Borda

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Winks, Cathy.
Sexy mamas : keeping your sex life alive while raising kids / Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. Rev. Ed.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-930722-27-9
1. MothersSexual behavior. 2. Sex instructions for women.
3. Parenting. I. Semans, Anne. II. Title.

HQ46.W56 2004
306.874/3dc22

ISBN: 978-1-930722-27-9

New World Library is a proud member of the Green Press Initiative.

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Introduction

Moms Have Sex? Who Knew!

A s soon as we started spreading the word about our idea for this book, we knew we were on to something. Parents instantly responded with curiosity, enthusiasm, and almost desperate nods of approval, while folks without kids looked politely puzzled. And who could blame them? Although volumes have been written about motherhood and sex, the two subjects lie on parallel tracks that rarely intersect. Parenting books never explore how a mother can expect her sex life to be transformed by the demands of child-rearing. Sex and relationship books for parents suggest tips for keeping the flame alive that depend on creating the illusion that you dont have kids. And neither ever address how honoring and enjoying your own sexuality through all the phases of your life sets a powerful example that enables your children to grow up to be responsible, sexually fulfilled adults.

Sexy Mamas reaches out to women who want to integrate the joys of a satisfying sex life with the joys of motherhood. We offer tips, anecdotes, and practical information about sex and parenting, supported by advice from medical experts, sex experts, and the most valuable experts of allother mothers.

While we like to think that all parents can glean useful information and perspective from this book, it is written first and foremost for mothers. We are unabashed in asserting that mothers need and deserve a book of their owntheir sex lives have been invisible for far too long. Women simply arent raised with a sense of entitlement to sexual expression, and mothers face the double-bind of social attitudes that deem maternity and sexuality mutually exclusive. Most mothers can testify that the desire for a fulfilling sex life didnt disappear when they had children, it simply got buried under an avalanche of conflicting demands on their time and attention. A womans sex life undergoes significant changes from the moment she decides to have a child, and she has to navigate these changes with no more guidance than the occasional tidbit of information from a kindly nurse or relevant anecdote from a straight-shooting friend. The legions of mothers who visit sex-related discussion boards on parenting web sitesswapping stories on everything from waning desire to remaining kinkyreveal a profound hunger for an explicit discussion of sexual issues.

Ask a mom about her sex life, and youll get responses ranging from, Sex? Whats that? to Its better than ever, but it took a lot of work. If youre partnered, youre probably not surprised by the statistic that parents living with children only spend about twenty minutes each week being intimate with each other. If youre single, perhaps you wonder how to be fully present for your kids without neglecting your own desires. You may have picked up this book because a sexual drought is making you long for the good old days, or you may be curious to explore how your newfound maternal power and passion can enhance your sex life. Either way, we hope youll find much in these pages that challenges your assumptions and fuels your desires.

We wanted our discussion of mothers sexuality to reflect the concerns and experiences of a full spectrum of momsmarried, single, heterosexual, lesbian, adoptive and biologicalso we posted a survey in several places online, including Hip Mamas web site. Imagine our delight when over seven hundred impassioned and heartfelt responses poured in. We heard from women whose experiences ran the gamut of maternal sexualityfrom sexually-confident fertility goddesses who were reveling in a sexual rebirth to mothers stymied by the practical and cultural restrictions on their sexuality. Their poignant and often humorous quotes appear throughout this book, and their comments guided our writing.

We owe a debt of gratitude to the moms who shared their thoughtsnot just because they sacrificed some of their precious free time to contribute to our bookbut because their stories reveal how every aspect of motherhood has sexual repercussions: from the roller coaster ride of fluctuating hormones to the challenges of prioritizing personal pleasure with children on the scene. Its our goal to take as comprehensive an approach as possible in affirming a mothers identity as a sexual being. Throughout this book, we refer to your sexual partners: a neutral term we use deliberately, since exploring your sexuality with a long-term spouse or a short-term fling is equally valid.

Whether youre struggling with a shifting sexual self image, youre curious about why your sex drive flew the coop, or youre single and need tips for meeting people, youll find help here. The early chapters deal with the core components that define a womans relationship to her own sexuality, including sexual self-image, self-esteem, masturbation, desire, and communication. The later chapters deal with an array of obstacles to her love and sex life a mother may encounter, and include practical advice on how to make sex a priority, how to share the responsibility for a fulfilling sex life with a partner, how to manage a sex life when youre single, and how to expand your experience of sex. In order to inspire some creative change in your own life, weve sprinkled over one hundred easy-to-try Hot Tips throughout the book, all designed to help you embrace a bigger, better sexuality.