Loving somone with an eating disorder: Understanding, Supporting, and Connecting with Your Partner

Loving Someone with an Eating Disorder provides solid insights and clinical theory on the causes and symptoms of dysregulated eating and related body concerns, and personalizes them via case vignettes and reflective questions. Although written for partners of eating-disordered individuals, it would be equally useful for anyone who cares about someone struggling with food. I look forward to introducing my clients and their loved ones to this comprehensive, readable, and well-researched addition to our field.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, MEd , eating disorders expert; popular blogger; and award-winning, international author of seven books on eating and weight

Loving Someone with an Eating Disorder is a must-read for loved ones! Packed with key education, practical tools, and much-needed hope, Dana Harrons words will surely save relationshipsand lives.

Jenni Schaefer , author of Life Without Ed ; Almost Anorexic ; and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me

There are few resources for the loved ones of those struggling with eating disorders, despite the suffering that it brings to partner relationships. This book fills that gap, bringing information, compassion, and understanding to the table, as well as practical ways for navigating the labyrinthian path towards recovery. It is a gift for those who care for someone with an eating disorder.

Anita Johnston, PhD , author of Eating in the Light of the Moon , clinical director of Ai Pono Hawaii, and cocreator of Light of the Moon Cafe

Eating disorders have profound social ramifications which become entangled within the illness, adding to the complex stranglehold that these problems present. Partners can play a key role in supporting the recovery journey, but their own needs are often neglected, and so their potential role as a strong supporter is not optimized. This book fills this gap and offers practical skills and theoretical understanding illustrated by narratives and reflective exercises which are of immense value to both professional and non-professional carers.

Janet Treasure, OBE, PhD, FRCP, FRCPsych , professor at the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology, and Neuroscience of Kings College London

Loving Someone with an Eating Disorder by Dana Harron is full of helpful tips, resources, and exercises for supporting a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder. It touches on topicssuch as intimacy with someone in recoverythat are common struggles for my clients but often not widely talked about. I highly recommend this resource!

Jennifer Rollin, MSW, LCSW-C , therapist, and founder of The Eating Disorder Center

Dana Harron provides readers with an impressive array of information and practical strategies important to know when loving someone with an eating disorder. The literature has long been deficient in books for loved ones, who not only need the facts but also need specific coping skills to manage their feelings, mealtimes, communication, and even intimacy. Harron covers a range of topics from self-care to redirecting negative patterns, setting boundaries, and reestablishing a sexual relationshiptreating readers as personal clients, helping them support themselves and their loved ones through a trying time. As a longtime eating disorder therapist and author, I welcome this book to my library and recommend it to clients and clinicians alike.

Carolyn Costin, MA, MEd, MFT , director of the Carolyn Costin Institute, author of The Eating Disorder Sourcebook , Your Dieting Daughter , 100 Questions and Answers About Eating Disorders ; coauthor of 8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder ; and coeditor of Yoga and Eating Disorders

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2019 by Dana Harron

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Acquired by Jess OBrien

Edited by Brady Kahn

Text Design by Michele Waters-Kermes

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

To my patients and their partners, who inspire me daily.

Contents

Acknowledgments

There were so many people who helped me in the preparation of this book. My husband, Ashley Harron, calmed me down, buoyed me up, and spent many sleepless nights with our newborn daughter so that I would be more prepared to write and edit. My daughter Victoria, for her part, made me feel that anything is possible. Chris and Brian, with their weekly casseroles and dishwashing, freed me up to focus on the book instead of household details. Vicraj Gill provided immense editorial support, helping me cut to the heart of the matter and to recognize which pieces are most important. I also want to acknowledge Jennifer Holder, Clancy Drake, and the ever-patient Brady Kahn for their editorial support. Jess OBrien, my acquisitions editor, allowed me to convince him that this book is worth writing. He and Chris Teja, my erstwhile acquisitions editor, convinced me that I should be the one to write it. Melanie Gorman helped me formulate the book proposal, understand the ins and outs of the publication business, and feel supported throughout the process. Lauren Behrman helped me believe in myself and recognize the worth of my contribution. Jacqueline LaRusso and Eileen McKee both provided invaluable insights as well as editorial and emotional support. Alisa Schwartz helped me understand the impact of EDs on parenting while Tamara Pincus helped me appreciate the nuances of human sexuality. The clinicians at Monarch Wellness, as always, provided excellent patient care, which allowed me the space and time to work on this book. Finally, my patients and their partners have taught me a great deal about what they find to be helpful within their relationships, and even more about resiliency and courage.

Chapter 1:
Loving Someone with Disordered Eating

Watching loved ones suffer, seemingly at their own hands, is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. All of the tenderness and joy of love get mixed together with rage, betrayal, and terror when an eating disorder enters the picture. It seems like you cant have all of these different feelings at once, but the most painful part is that you do. It wouldnt be so hurtful to watch your girlfriend silently leave the table to purge after a lunch date, or to watch your husband weigh himself obsessively, if you didnt also truly care about them. It would be just fine to want to shake them until they come aroundpunish them for the hell theyve visited upon both your lives or avoid looking at them or talking to themif your heart didnt also just break with love for them, if only once upon a time.

And theres no escaping this issue. Food is perhaps the most central aspect of every couples daily life: we all need to eat. Additionally, food has social and emotional aspects that make it ever present in our culture. We eat to socialize, to celebrate, and to comfort. When old friends want to get together, they suggest lunch. When somebody has a birthday, we eat cake. Apology? Fruit basket. Anniversary? Dinner out. Its no wonder that its hard for you to find your footing, for as soon as you recover from one difficult moment, the next is upon you.