Shumaker - Its ok not to share: and other renegade rules for raising competent and compassionate kids

Praise for
Its Ok Not to Share

Bold. Unconventional. And downright useful! Through science, stories, and her Renegade Rules, Shumaker beautifully shows us why letting kids be kids may be the single most important thing we can do as parents.

Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D., coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing:
Good Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It

From Bombs, Guns, and Bad Guys Allowed to I Hate You! Is Nothing Personal, the table of contents alone is music to my ears. Heather Shumaker is a healthy mom I can relate toand Ill bet you will, too, when you hear out her logic.

Paula Spencer, author of Momfidence

These Renegade Rules will resonate with what you know to be true, speak to what you want most for your children, and teach you how to achieve it. Dont let this one slip off your reading list.

Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D., author of Conscious Discipline and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline

This beautifully written book celebrates young boys and all active preschoolers. It acts as a guide through the high emotions and roughhousing energy of the preschool years, and provides immediate, sanity-saving answers to tough parenting questions. I highly recommend it.

Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son

Its OK Not to Share is a refreshing change from the usual admonitions to parents to over-control their children. Instead, Shumakers Renegade Rules are based on what children really need: room for play, freedom to express their emotions, choices during free play time, and understanding of what makes them tick. The results may not always be quiet or elegant, but it is what children need to thriveand your life wont be dull!

Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of Playful Parenting, coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing

Shumakers book is a must-read for parents and teachers. Finally, [here is] an author who recognizes the development of young children and which practices are needed. Heather gives permission to play and shows us how to develop spaces and curricula that support this endeavor. These Renegade Rules are a must for adults to follow. Some of my favorites are: I Hate You! Is Nothing Personal, Let Her Hog the Toy All Day, and my favorite, Only Punch Friends. If you are planning on having children, currently have children, or work with children, this is a book you will want with you all the time.

Daniel J. Hodgins, author of Boys: Changing the Classroom, Not the Child

Its OK

Not to

Share

Its OK

Not to

Share

And Other Renegade Rules
for Raising Competent
and Compassionate Kids

Heather Shumaker

JEREMY P. TARCHER / PENGUIN a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. New York

JEREMY P. TARCHER/PENGUIN

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York
10014, USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700,
Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
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Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division
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Ltd) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue,
Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright 2012 by Heather Shumaker

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any
printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy
of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Shumaker, Heather.

Its ok not to share : and other renegade rules for raising competent and compassionate kids / Heather Shumaker.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-59713-2

1. Child rearing. 2. Sharing in children. 3. Child development. I. Title

HQ769.S54533 2012 2012015523

649.1dc23

Printed in the United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

BOOK DESIGN BY NICOLE LAROCHE

ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOY KOLITSKY

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet
addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher
nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after
publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not
assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

ALWAYS LEARNING

PEARSON

To my mother, of course

And to Rick,

who always believed

I am grateful to the many families and teachers who shared their stories to bring these ideas to life. While the age and sex of children depicted in the book have not been altered, names and some details have been changed to protect family privacy.

T he Renegade Rules inside this book are not entirely mine. The seeds for these ideas come from the accumulated wisdom of a tiny progressive preschool tucked near the banks of the Olentangy River in Columbus, Ohio.

In this forgotten spot, children can box and wrestle. They can paint their arms blue or climb a tree. No one has to sit still. Children dont have to share their toys. But because of these renegade ways, the School for Young Children (SYC) has produced confident, compassionate children for forty years, children who are masters in mediation and creative problem-solving.

I know all about it. I went to preschool there as a child. My mother is a teacher at SYC and has taught there for nearly four decades. Today Im raising my own children following its philosophy.

This book came about because I realized how rare the SYC ideas are. The very title of this bookIts OK Not to Sharegoes against some of our most deeply held notions about whats right and wrong when it comes to raising kids.

How renegade are these ideas?

Rather than force a child to share a toy, the Renegade approach promotes generosity by letting a child keep a toy to herself all day longrelinquishing it to another child only when shes good and ready.

When a child accidentally hurts someone, the Renegade approach encourages compassion by not saying Sorry.

Instead of teaching the ABCs to children when theyre sitting down calmly and quietly, the Renegade approach suggests grabbing a pen and offering an impromptu literacy lesson when children are hollering and screaming.

And instead of breaking up a fight when two children start wrestling, the Renegade approach suggests providing a wrestling mat and even giving kids boxing gloves.

These upside-down rules actually come with sensible reasons, all based in child development. The ideas really arent that radicaltheyre just different.