Freedman Rory - Skinny bastard: a kick-in-the-ass for real men who want to stop being fat and start getting buff

Table of Contents

As always, none of this would be possible without Tracy Silverman,
Lauren Silverman, Talia Cohen, Laura Dail, Jennifer Kasius,
Seta Zink, Craig Herman, Melissa Appleby, Peter Costanzo,
Maria Taffera Lewis, Margarete Gockel, Victoria Gilder,
Isabelle Bleecker, Bill Jones, David Steinberger, the entire sales
team, and everyone else at Perseus and Running Press.
Each and every one of you is a blessing.

Dina Aronson, MS, RD, you are as generous as you are brilliant
the words thank you seem awfully inadequate.
Nonetheless, thank you, a thousand times over. And once more.

Special thanks to Dr. Neal Barnard and Dr. Hope Ferdowsian,
for all you do and all you are.

Love and gratitude to Mikko Alanne, Lesley, Maya,
and Tim Bailey, Chlo Jo Berman, James Costa,
Sue Foley, Meri Freedman, Rick Freedman, Jackie Poper,
Gretchen Ryan, Ari Solomon, Tim VanOrden, and
Stephane and Jackson Barnouin.

So youre fat. Big deal. Chances are, you havent done so badly, despite the few extra lbs youre carting around. (Women are so amazingwe can be madly in love with a man, despite how he looks.) But dont kid yourself, pal: A hot-bodied man is a head-turner. So dont waste your money on a stupid sports car to get chicks; a woman who cares about what kind of car a man drives is a vapid, shallow whore. Invest in yourself. (A woman who cares about how a man looks is also a vapid, shallow whore. But at least youll look good.) You have only one body to get you through this lifetime. So quit eating crap and abusing yourself! Even if you never look like Brad Pitt, if youre eating well and exercising, youll be healthier, happier, and more confident. Chicks dig that shit.

So strap on a pair. Its time to get ripped.

(P. S. Just so were all on the same page: We know men dont want to be skinny. We named the book Skinny Bastard because the title went well with our book for women, Skinny Bitch.)

Chapter 1

Okay. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get buff. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Dont act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to lose weight. Or smoke. So dont even try some pathetic excuse like, But if I quit smoking, Ill gain weight. No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they also kill your taste buds. Its no wonder you eat garbage. Smokings out. Give it up. (If you chew tobacco, just put this book down now, because you probably dont even know how to read, anyway.)

Of course it is easier to socialize after youve had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome (not to mention pathetic-loser syndrome). Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bastards. Its high in sugar and makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the freshman fifteen? Beer, duh. Alcohol isnt any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreaking havoc on the digestive process. If you suffer from poor digestion, then your food will not pass through your body properly. Hence, bloated fat-pig syndrome. To make matters worse, some alcohol (and nonorganic wines) still contains urethane, a cancer-causing chemical. To boot, both beer and alcohol jack up your blood-sugar levels, which is bad for your bod. And dont kid yourself: When you have a hangover, youre bound to eat shit all day long.

Were not total killjoysthe occasional drink isnt gonna make or break anything. But even if it makes you feel like a priss, try trading your booze for organic red wine produced without sulfites. (Sulfites are additives used in food and wine to extend shelf life and fight bacteria growth. Asthma and allergic reactions can be triggered by sulfites. Even if wine is organic, that doesnt mean it is produced without sulfites. Read the label; it should say no sulfites added or NSA. (Frey Vineyards makes organic, sulfite-free wines.) Organic red wine with NSA is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants, can reduce risk of stroke, helps thin the blood, and has flavonoids, which lower cholesterol. Yes, organic red wine may be good for you. No, you should not drink a bottle by yourself every day. Alcohol can cause cancer, infectious diseases, cardiovascular disease, shrinking of the cerebral cortex, and can alter brain-cell function. And drunk men are gross. All kidding aside, dont be ashamed if youre an alcoholic; alcoholism is a disease. If you need help quitting drinking, call the Alcoholics Anonymous World Headquarters at (212) 870-3400 to find an AA meeting near you or visit www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.

Brace yourselves, boys: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body. For starters, sodas high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can sodium and caffeine. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well-balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy. Good luck with the ladies.

Unless youre from Mars, youve heard about the eight glasses of water a day thing. If youre filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are youre not getting your 64 ounces of water a day. Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat cause you dont crap enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.

Dont talk to me until Ive had my morning coffee. Um... pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has become that people need coffee to wake up. You should not need anything to wake up. If you cant wake up without it, its because you are addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you use Starbucks to go trolling for women. But its not heroin, and youll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problems, irritation of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, from the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits important enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites. (Please, do not link this acid issue to citrus and other fruits. We discuss this in depth later; on pages 33-34.) So coffee equals fat cells. P. S. It also makes your breath smell like ass. Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans. So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and youll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.