Lex Friedman - Kid in the Crib: A Dr. Seuss Parody

She was too mad to snore. She spat up in the crib, She spat up on the floor.
We tried to console her, We tried to, we two. And we said, How we wish We had half of a clue!
The kid wouldnt sleep. The kid wouldnt nurse.
So all we could say was just Hush! Hush! Hush! Hush!
And was it effective? Well, not at first blush.
Fart!
And then something went FART! That fart gave us a start!
We looked, And we realized it had been the kid.
Fart!
And then something went FART! That fart gave us a start!
We looked, And we realized it had been the kid.

We turned And concluded what Baby just did.
And we said to each other, Its your turn this time. She said, I did the last one! But mine had more slime!
I know what to do, I said in a soft whisper. Loser must change her Quick: rock, paper, scissors!
My wife threw out paper, And I threw out rock, And I said, The rules Of this game are a crock.
A rock versus paper? How could paper win? No matter. I scooped up the baby; She cried and she cried, As if wed declared That her Grandma just died.
I set down the baby And checked my supplies; I opened the diaper And tuned out her cries.
And then I said, No! No! What has happened in there?! Did you nurse her? Or feed her Fresh meat from a bear? That poop was not human, That poop seemed so phony, That poop looked like Mustard and tar and baloney.
Now! Now! Have no fear, Have no fear, said my wife.
Now! Now! Have no fear, Have no fear, said my wife.

Her poop wont stay gross Throughout all of her life. I disagreed, But just nodded a Yes. I wanted to change her Without a big mess.
The baby was writhing As I held my breath And wiped away smells Of wet dog hair and death.
Put it on! said my wife.
As I fastened the diaper,
My wife slowly sat up.
And thats about when
Our dear baby spat up.
As I fastened the diaper,
My wife slowly sat up.
And thats about when
Our dear baby spat up.

Look at this!
Look at this stuff, I cried out.
Call an exorcist! my wife
Replied with a shout.
The kid spat up white,
The kid spat up green,
The kid spat up more spit-up
Than wed ever seen.
She spat up on the table,
She spat up on the wall,
She spat up on my T-shirt,
And started to bawl.
But that was not all,
Oh, no,
That was not all.

After a moment,
She stopped all her shrieking.
But then my wife said,
Dear, I think that shes leaking!
Her diapers distended,
Her diaper looks mushy,
And its sure not containing
Whats come from her tushy!
Now I had just changed her, Had just wiped her rear. So I said to the missus, Its your turn now, dear.
My wife didnt speak, She just gave me a glare.

Or perhaps you might call it Her Evil Death Stare.
But slowly she stood While I smiled quite brightly. And softly she said, Ill put this one on rightly .
So she changed the baby She changed Baby quick And when she was finished, Baby didnt get sick. But did Baby stop crying? No, Baby did not.
Ill take her downstairs, I cried over her roaring.
Ill take her downstairs, I cried over her roaring.

Six seconds later, My wife resumed snoring.
And Baby and I Went downstairs to calm her Her wails could drown out A dang F-18 Bomber. The screams turned to sobs, The sobs slowed to moanin, We sat on the couch And watched DVRd Conan.
I dozed off for a moment Or more, on reflection... But dont tell the folks Down at Child Protection.
The kid was not dropped, The kid did not fall.

So no need to tell them Or the missusat all.
I awoke to a show That was not controversial. Not Conan, but rather Some lame infomercial. And when I woke up I saw Baby was sleeping. I slowly stood up And then started my creeping.
I tiptoed to the stairs Which took, oh, two weeks.

I tried to avoid The big step and its creaks.
It was 3:00 a.m. now, Our home: still and quiet. I placed her in the crib, Which then started a riot.
She screamed at the instant Her skin hit the mattress, As if it were made From, say, fire and cactus.
Now, now, I said sweetly, Your mommy will take you.

To my wife I said only, Oh nodid she wake you? She took out the baby, I slept like the dead. Round 4:30 or so, My wife came back to bed.
And then five minutes later (Perhaps it was ten), You-know-who chose To wake up once again.
Too soon to wake up, Too late to re-doze. We groaned out of bed, And we pulled on our clothes.
She nursed the baby, I nursed a sore head.
She nursed the baby, I nursed a sore head.

We both wished that we Could climb back into bed.

We both felt exhausted, Felt the old baby blues. I headed for work, And forgot to wear shoes.