Elisa Morgan - What Every Child Needs: Meet Your Childs Nine Basic Needs for Love

What Every Child Needs

Elisa Morgan & Carol Kuykendall

Copyright

What Every Child Needs

Copyright 1997 by MOPS International, Inc.

Cover art to the electronic edition copyright 2012 by Bondfire Books LLC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

See full line of eBook originals at www.bondfirebooks.com.

Author is represented by Alive Communications, Inc., 7680 Goddard St., Suite 200, Colorado Springs, CO 80920.

Electronic edition published 2012 by Bondfire Books LLC, Colorado.

ISBN 978-0-7953-2455-0

Contents

W e all want to be good moms.

We want to give our children what they need when they need it, and we know the early years are important years. But were often overwhelmed with all the questions and choices. What does my child need the most? we ask. What does my child need right now? Were bombarded with advice and opinions. The possibilities often confuse us and rob us of the joy of mothering.

Another question, equally as unsettling, rises to the surface: What if I know what my child needs, but Im too tired or too impatient or too busy to meet my childs need at that moment? Then what? Such an honest question troubles us as we seek to be good moms.

THE HEART OF MOTHERING IS LOVE

This book seeks to answer those questions, combining the real-life voices of mothers with the research of experts. MOPS International, an organization founded in 1973 to nurture mothers of preschoolers, asked more than one thousand moms from all over the country: What does your child need the most? Not surprisingly, we kept getting variations of the same answer: My child needs my love. My child needs me. My hugs. My attention. Unconditional love. No matter what love. Tough love.

It seemed that the heart of mothering is love. Digging a little deeper, however, we found that these mothers recognize their children need different kinds of love at different times. So we identified a childs nine basic needs, using the unique language of love that reflects those needs from a childs perspective, especially during the first years of life.

This book is different from other books about mothering. Its not another one of those scary mommy books that makes you worry or feel guilty about all the things you havent done or cant do. Youve seen enough of those. Its not a parenting manual that makes you feel inadequate. Its not a pediatric guide to medical mothering or a child psychologists book on development.

It is a book written by moms for moms who want to meet their childrens most important needs. It slices through all the possible things we could do as mothers and frees us up to do the one thing that matters most: love our children. Thats the heart of mothering. Its written to bring confidence that even when we miss doing some things, when we keep our eyes on the heart of mothering, most other things will fall into place.

MOMS HAVE NEEDS TOO!

This book also takes a realistic look at a mothers ability to meet all of her childrens needs. The truth is, we cannot meet all of our childrens needs all of the time. In an earlier book, What Every Mom Needs, we wrote about the nine basic needs of a mother. We said that a mom who recognizes her own needs can become a better mom. In this book we look at the needs of children, but we also look at the ways a mothers needs sometimes bump up against the needs of her child.

Sometimes you are talking on the phone, and you cant give your child the attention she requests. Sometimes you have to be away from home, and youll miss the opportunity to comfort him when he scrapes his knee. Sometimes your frustration with other problems or your fatigue distracts you from listening well. Sometimes your agendas differ: you want your child to dress a certain way for a certain event, and she wants to choose her own outfit. You need your child to look nice for your friends; your child needs to express her independence. Weve all been there. We know about those conflicts of needs.

One woman sent us a prayer in which she expresses this constant conflict as a mother of three.

Lord,

When they scribble on the walls, please help me to see a rainbow!

And when Ive said something a hundred times, please give me the patience to say it a hundred times more!

And on those particularly annoying days when I tell them to act their age, please help me to remember that they are!

And while were on the subject of age, Lord, when I begin to lose my temper, please help me to remember to act mine!

And through it all, Lordthe fingerprints and runny noses, messy rooms and unrolled toilet paper, destroyed videotapes and broken knick-knacksplease help me to remember this:

Someday, these will be the days I will long to have back again.

HOW TO MEET YOUR CHILDS NEEDS

Mothering matters. But mothers also matter. Therefore, when it comes to recognizing and meeting your childs needs, remember this:

• You can begin to meet your childs needs by recognizing that you, too, have needs.
• You can best meet your childs needs by understanding and accepting your child, but also by understanding and accepting yourself.
• You can best meet your childs needs by realizing that you cant meet all of your childs needs all the time and other people can help.
• You can best meet your childs needs by examining what you liked and didnt like in the way you were mothered.
• You can best meet your childs needs by focusing on the main thing: loving your child. The rest will eventually fall into place.

In the pages that follow, youll find descriptions of your childs nine core needs, followed by Love Handles, or suggestions on how to meet these needs starting today. Yes, we all want to be good moms. We hope this book will encourage you and help you understand the important ways you can meet your childs needs by focusing on the heart of mothering.

Getting to the heart of mothering together,

Elisa Morgan and
Carol Kuykendall
for MOPS International

T here. Finally he was down for the night. Sweet-smelling from his bath. Cozy in his cotton sleeper. Tummy full from feeding. Burped. Rocked. And now sound asleep. His lacy lashes touched his cheeks as he lay snug beneath his blanket. A little bump in a big crib.

Janis tiptoed out of the room and down the hall. Six weeks into mothering, she felt like she was getting the hang of her new responsibility. She loved her child beyond words, but sometimes, as she repeated the routines of bathing, feeding, and changing him, she questioned if just anybody could meet these needs for him.

Whats so uniquely special about mehis mother? she wondered as she slipped into her own bed and pulled the covers up under her chin. Musing on this question, she soon fell asleep.

Some time later, she awoke with a start to a loud clap of thunder and the sound of rain beating down on the roof. It was pitch-black in the bedroom. Even the night-light in the bathroom was out. Strange. She searched in the darkness for the clock. It, too, was out. Just then a flash of lightning pierced the darkness, followed immediately by a crack of thunder.

Then she heard baby Samuels cry. She bounded out of bed and rushed down the hall toward his room. His crying sounded more like a pitiful wail now, a different cry than shed ever heard before. In the past few weeks, shed started to identify his cries: